Dear Cali Chica:

I hope you are well.

Back to my notes from 2011: I cam across this note I made in Aug 2011, eight years ago: “In childhood, on to my twenties and thirties, my mother looked at me for the savior= the Jesus I was not. She did not see the human that I was”- I was wrong. She didn’t see me as her savior. It is similar to your mistaken view of your mother, thinking that she saw you as her savior. Children make this mistake, seeing oneself as powerful when powerless, it gives the child hope, a belief if a power we don’t have, and this delusion of power keeps us going, as children, and on. But because this is a delusion, it turns around and operates against us as we keep  spinning our wheels and always failing to … save the one who never looked at us as saviors.

I wrote on that day, eight years ago, about my mother: “She placed me up on a platform and worshipped me” – she didn’t even respect me, let alone worship me. My goodness, I was quite deluded.

Here is an email/ homework A (my former therapist) sent me August 20, 2011 regarding my life goals, including the goal of saving my mother, making her happy:

“1) Who set these goals? 2) What choice did you have in setting them? 3) How do you know they were goals suited to you? 4) What would you have done had you had a choice in these goals? 5) What kind of support would you have wanted growing up? 6) How do those goals correspond to your emerging values..? I hope thinking about these questions will help you set new, short-term goals this week as part of your homework. Do the best you can, that’s all you have to do”.

And now, quotes from the handout A gave me during therapy (Intrapersonal skills such as distress tolerance and interpersonal skills such as “asking for what you want- in a way that protects the relationship”. I will quote just bit and pieces because I know you can find material on the topics:

“Advanced Distress Tolerance Skills: Improve the Moment: … Self-Place Visualization: Safe-place visualization is a powerful stress-reduction technique. Using it, you can soothe yourself by imagining a peaceful, safe place where you can relax…. Cue- Controlled Relaxation: ..  a cue is a trigger or command that helps you relax.. a word like ‘relax’ or ‘peace’. The goal of this technique is to train your body to release muscle tension when you think about your cue word… Rediscover your Values: the word ‘values’ can be defined as your ethics, principles, ideals, standards, or morals… Sometimes we forget why we’re doing something that’s hard, and this makes it difficult for us to continue.. remembering what you value can help you tolerate stressful situations… Take a Time-Out: Time-outs aren’t just for kids… Many people struggle with the constant need to please others, and as a result, they neglect to take cre of themselves… Live in the Present Moment: Time travel is possible. We all do it.. rarely pay attention to what’s happening to them right now, so they miss living in the present moment- the only true moment in which anyone can really live… Exercise ‘Where Are You Now?’ The next time you’re in a distressing situation, ask yourself the following questions: Where am I right now? Am I traveling in the future, worrying about something that might happen… Am I time traveling in the past.. Exercise: Listen to Now:… if you notice that your attention is beginning to wander and you start thinking about your past or future, focus your attention on something that the person is wearing, like a button on their shrit.. Sometimes this can snap you out of your time traveling… Use Self-Encouraging Coping Thoughts: …If you can recognize your distress early on, you’ll have a better chance of using one of these thoughts to help soothe yourself.. List of Coping Thoughts: ‘This situation won’t last forever.’ ‘I’ve already been through man other painful experiences, and I’ve survived.’.. ‘I can be anxious and still deal with the situation.’ ‘I’m strong enough to handle what’s happening to me right now.’.. Example: using coping thoughts, Distressing Situation: My boss yelled at me. New Coping Thought: ‘This job stinks, but it’s only temporary.’..Radical Acceptance:… Dialectical behavior therapy depends on acceptance and change, not acceptance or change… you accept something completely,… radically accepting the present moment opens up the opportunity for you to recognize the role that you have payed in creating your current situation. And as a result, it also creates an opportunity to respond to that situation in a new way that ‘s less painful for yourself or others. In many ways, radical acceptance is like the Serenity Prayer, which says: ‘Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference”..Exercise: Radical acceptance: What happened in this distressing situation? ___What past events happened that led up to this situation? ____ What role did you paly in creating this situation? ___ What roles did other people play in creating this situation? ___ What do you have control of in this situation? ____ What don’t you have control of in this situation? ___ What was your response to this situation? ___ How did your response affect your own thoughts and feelings? ___ How did your response affect the thoughts and feelings of other people?___ How could you have changed your response to this situation so that it led to less suffering for yourself and others? ___ How could the situation have occurred differently if you had decided to radically accept the situation? ___

Basic Mindfulness Skills: … Wise mind is the ability to make healthy decisions about your life based on both your rational thoughts and your emotions.. For example, you’ve probably noticed that it’s often difficult- or impossible- to make good decisions when your emotions are intense, out of control, or contradict what’s rational.. Wise mind is a decision-making process that balances the reasoning of your thoughts with the needs of your emotions… Mindfulness skills will help you separate your present-moment experience from what’s happening inside you emotionally, thereby giving you a choice as to which one you’ll focus on… Emotion mind occurs when you make judgments or decisions based solely on how you feel.. your emotions control your life… The solution is to use wise mind to make healthy decisions about your life. Wise mind results from using both emotion mind and reasonable mind together…

Mindful Communication with Others: Exercise: Mindful ‘I’ Statements: Now let’s look at some more judgmental ‘you’ statements and have you practice turning them into mindful ‘I’ statements. Write your alternative mindful ‘I’ statement in the space to the right of the judgmental statement.  1. ‘You make me feel horrible’-  _____

Basic Interpersonal Effectiveness Skills: .. Passive versus Aggressive Behavior.. Exercise: identify your style: Think back over recent interactions in your five most significant relationships. Place a check next to the statements that reflect your typical behavior: _1. I go along with something, even if I don’t like it… _4. I give people a piece of my mind when they deserve it… _7. When there’s a conflict, I tend to give in and let things go the other person’s way…

Key Interpersonal Skills: There are six core interpersonal skills that will change how your relationships feel: 1. Knowing what you want… 2. Asking for what you want- in a way that protects the relationship.. the basic idea is to put your needs into words that are clear, not attacking, and ask for specific behavioral change. 3. Negotiate conflicting wants. The willingness to negotiate starts with a clear commitment that there won’t be winners or losers. It assumes that each person’s needs are valid and understandable, and it draws of a willingness to compromise so that each person gets some of what he or she wants… 4. Getting information. One of the most crucial of all interpersonal skills is finding out what the other person needs, fears, hopes for, and so on. The major blocks to getting information are when you 1) falsely assume you know what the other person wants; 2) project your own fears, needs, and feelings on the other person; 3) fear appearing to pry; 4) fear hearing the worst possible answer; 5) don’t know how to ask or what to look for. 5. Saying no- in a way that protects the relationship. You can say no in three ways: 1) in a limp,powerless style that just gets overriden; 2) in a hard-edged, aggressive style that alienates people; or 3) in an assertive style that validates the other person’s needs and desires while setting firm boundaries around what you will or won’t do. The first two strategies undermine relationships because someone is going to end up feeling controlled and resentful… 6. Acting according to your values. Being passive or aggressive in a relationship diminishes both your self-respect amd tje se;f-respect of others because someone is losing out in the relationship- someone’s needs and feelings are being ignored… Ask yourslef, ‘What type of relationships do I want with other people?’ Do you want a loving relationship, a trustworthy relationship, or a committed relationship? … Acting in your relationships according to what you value is another crucial step that will determine the entire nature of your reationships..

Blocks to Using Interpersonal Skills:… *Old habits- the aggressive kind *Old habits- of the passive kind *Overwhelming emotion *Failure to identify your needs *Fear *Toxic relationships *Myths

Old habits- the aggressive kind:… Techniques for influencing others that utilize fear, shame, or hurtful psychological pressure are called aversive strategies. There are eight of them: 1. Discounting: The message to the other person is that his or her needs or feelings are invalid.. 2. Withdrawing/ abandoning: The message is ‘Do what I want or I’m leaving.’… 3.  Threatening: The message here is ‘Do what I want or I’ll hurt you.’ The most typical threats are to get angry or somehow make the other person’s life miserable. Here’s an example: ‘Hey, okay, I won’t ask you to help me again. Maybe I’ll ask somebody else.’ 4. Blaming: The problem, whatever it is, becomes the other person’s fault. Since they caused it, they have to fix it. 5. Belittling/ denigrating: the strategy here is to make the other person feel foolish or wrong… 6. Guilt-tripping: This strategy conveys the message that the other person is a moral failure, that their needs are wrong and must be given up. Here’s an example: ‘If you don’t trust me, that tells me something is very wrong with our relationship.’ 7. Derailing: this strategy switches attention away from the other person’s feelings and needs.. Here’s an example: ‘I don’t care what you want to do, right now I feel hurt.’ 8. Taking away: Here the strategy is to withdraw some form of support, pleasure, or reinforcement from the other person as punishment for something they said, did, or wanted. Here’s an example: John said, ‘I’m not really in the mood for hiking; it’s boring,’ after his partner was unwilling to invest in a new camera.

… Toxic Relationships: Relationships where people use aversive strategies on you can make your interpersonal skills very difficult to use. No matter how determined you are to be assertive rather than aggressive or passive, people who blame, threaten, or belittle you can often trip you up and make you want to explode or run away. The best solution is to get away from these folks. They’re not going to change, and you’ll never stop being vulnerable to their attacks…

Guidelines for Relationship Effectiveness, Keeping the Relationship– A way to remember these skills is to remember the word ‘GIVE’- (Be) Gentle, (Act) Interested, Validate, (Use an) Easy Manner.

(Be) Gentle: Be courteous and temperate in your approach. No Attacks- No verbal or physical attacks.. No threats.. No judging- No moralizing. No ‘if you were a good person, you would..

(Act) Interested: Listen and be interested in the other person… Don’t interrupt, talk over, etc. Be sensitive to the other person’s desire to have the discussion at a later time. Be patient.

Validate: Validate and acknowledge the other person’s feelings, wants, difficulties, and opinions about the situation. Be nonjudgmental out loud: ‘I can understand how you feel, but..’, ‘I see that you are busy, and..’

(Use an) Easy manner: ..Smile. Ease the person along. Be light hearted… Use a ‘soft sell’ over a ‘hard sell’.

Guidelines for Self Respect Effectiveness: Keeping Your Respect for Yourself

A way to remember this is the word FAST

(Be) Fair: Be fair to yourself and to the other person.

(No) Apologies: No overly apologetic behavior. No apologizing for being alive, for making a request at all. No apologizing for having an opinion, for disagreeing.

Stick to values: Stick to your own values.

(be) Truthful: Don’t lie, act helpless when you are not, or exaggerate. Don’t make up excuses.

anita