Dear Appletree123:

You wrote about your feelings for the other man: “That feeling does not make sense with the rest I have written”- it makes sense to me. When we are children, our feelings are very raw and powerful. “A lot of my time as a child was spent round other people’s houses eg like my childhood friend”- your childhood friend was your home, where you felt at home. Feeling at home, for a child, is very powerful.

Fast forward, you are an adult and you meet a man who reminds you of that childhood friend: “This person reminded me a lot of my old childhood friend and he seemed like a ‘home’ to me”- what happened is that powerful childhood feeling you had was activated, motivating you to be with this man, to be… home.

At that point you were in a long term relationship with a man who you appreciate and love. The right thing to do, at that point, was to pause your relationship with your boyfriend and not enter a relationship with this new man yet. If you paused, and if let’s say you attended quality counseling, maybe you would have figured that this new man only reminded you of a past person and experience of long ago, that you don’t really know this man, that the reason he reminded you of the childhood friend could be the tone of his voice, his mannerism or what not. And that the man you do know, appreciate and love is your boyfriend.

At that point, maybe you would have understood that even though the feeling that was activated was very powerful, it is not based on reality, that is, this new man is not really home and you could have figured that you can choose to not  engage in that activated feeling and let it take over your choices and behavior.

But that pause didn’t take place. What happened instead, was an affair, your boyfriend finding out, his family knowing about it, and a lot of suffering on your part, a whole lot of pain and regret.

N0w what?-

My suggestion: it is time for you to no longer suffer. Your suffering is not a requirement for you to be a good person. You already are a good person, aren’t you?

Suffering will not make you a better person. If your boyfriend loves you, he doesn’t want you to suffer. I, a stranger to you, don’t want you to suffer.

Forgive yourself, let it go. You had an emotional experience that was powerful and you confused reality and a powerful feeling. Do post again anytime you want and if you would like it, we can continue to communicate.

anita