Hello Anita, thankyou for replying. I often wish I could of just stopped time and started things out and seen the wood from the trees so to speak and not let things take over. I knew all the time it was wrong and not what I truely wanted and was authentic to me but my emotions were strong and being around him was like a happy halo of feeling. That is no justification for what I did at all. I wish I had spoken to someone and realised it could of been linked back to the childhood friend and the need to “go home”. I often feel the need to “go home”. Sometimes I even say it out loud like if I have a bad thought in my head whilst driving or in the shower or curled up in bed. that feeling of wanting to be “home” even though I have a mortgage now and a “home”. Somehow it is not the same. That feeling of belonging and safety and calm I felt was so lovely and so different to my usual mind. It was like a mini break.

I would like to let things go and move forward but I do not know how. On days that I feel more numb, like today I can function okay. I can get my chores done, go to work, etc etc and I feel okay. On other ideas it is like a wave of emotion comes over me and one song or one trigger sets me off and the world seems cruel, my life pointless and stupid and I feel like I will never be free. I will always be the girl who had the affair and I will never be able to look myself in the eyes in the mirror or be proud of anything. It will always be there. I have read alot of blogs, self help books and watched vidoes on YouTube .these temporarily help eg whilst I am reading or watching them but somehow the words don’t go in and I feel the same. I feel like I need to try harder eg I exercise but not every single day and I do yoga, but not every day. Apart from keeping busy I don’t know how to keep going.  But at the same time I feel I have been trying so hard during my life up until now that I am so tired of striving and trying whilst at the same time I feel lazy for not doing as much as I could.

Not sure this makes much sense. If you would like to know something in particular please ask and I will answer the best I can. I do not know where to start.

Thankyou again for replying. I really am grateful to both you and Mark for doing so.