Hi Tannhauser.

A question  – do you want to change?

I know you regularly post on here about your extreme pain and anger and resultant loss of faith.  The anger at life not being fair and not following what you were taught to believe in.  I think you are especially angry because you wanted to believe so badly in god – he was the one real hope you had left as a way out, as some help to get you through this and it let you down.

Now you see the reality and it scares you, expressed as anger and a need to try to remove others of their beliefs. As it happens,  I do not believe in god either but I see no need to try to convince others of the same, in the same way I see no need to convince anyone of my beliefs. If something is true to you, it does not need other people to share it to validate it.

What matters is what “not being an arsehole” means to you. What kind of person do you want to be. What does a realistic ‘good life’ look like for you. The one thing that stays true in all people’s stories about coping with chronic pain is that accepting it as part of life, as part of your reality, is one of the hardest things to do but also one of the most liberating.  Instead of beating up yourself/god/family/friends/anyone who will listen about the things you can’t do, focus on what you can. Celebrate each time you are able to paint or play something. Rest up as best as you can when you can’t. Learn the new limits of your body and work with them, instead of screaming against them.

Yes, this is going to sound like the proverbial ‘horse-shit’ to you I suspect. But read others stories, talk to others in similar situations. This is about accepting reality and learning what helps to cope best, what helps you be the best you in difficult circumstances. This is about accepting that loss of hope for a cure and releasing the anger at ‘why you’ and the let down of religion.  It is what it is. Accept it, work with it.  Pause for a second when you feel anger before being the arsehole – it has it’s time and place for sure but make it deliberate, not just your go-to reaction.

You continue to reach out on here for a reason and that reason is because you are angry – but deep down below that is pain and fear. There are plenty of people here who would still willingly try and help and support you through this. Something it sounds like would be a benefit in your life right now as it does not seem you have a lot of support. Your angry front will put off a lot of people – help them help you, help them see the real you, the one you want to be, the one that is still possible, despite everything.