Hello all, thank you for your replies. I had some issues at work and it stressed me out, so I didn’t have the energy left to go to the library to reply, sorry for the late reply. The one time I managed to get to the library and write a long post, it was deleted when I klicked the wrong button – I was tired and went home. To explain myself: I only post from the library in this forum, it’s the most annonymous way I know. I shared things here that I haven’t shared with anyone else, that I could only share because I feel safe knowing that I did everything to make sure that the chance of this being connected my real life self is minimal.

Mark, thank you for your reply. I live with my mother, its the cheapest option in my city and also it gives me a feeling of safety. I lived alone as a student and that is associated with depression for me. I would like to try living alone again in the future, but not right now. I am an introvert, I can be shy but I can also be the one indignatly hollering after a bicycle rider who drove straigth through a crowd of pedestrians – doesn’t sound very shy, does it? So it’s on and off.

I had friends in the past, but it was difficult for me to really connect. Part of it was me not having the right social skills and being anxious, and I believe in high school part was also that my iron deficit was so high it was difficult to function. I was constantly tired without knowing why. In university I had good friends, but lost two because of depression. Still there were movie nights, visits to the cinema, board game nights, I was pretty lucky that I had one special friend and another one invited me to his get togethers. Also, even though it was frightening, I went out to experience things like joining a student association and choir.

> Can you pinpoint what is keeping you from creating friendships?
I think its because of different reasons. One is certainly still a lack of skills on friendmaking. I once passed a playground, and one child shouted to another: “wanna be friends?” and that was that, they were friends. Amazing. I could not do that, the fear of beeing rejected is strong. Which reminds me I did just that in elementary school, wrote a note to a girl “wanna be friends” and got a “no you are fat” in reply, though it probably wasn’t from her, but from some guys.

Then there is the fact I don’t use social media, not even Whatsapp. But I believe staying in touch with people might be easier if I did, its just that I don’t want this kind of surveilance software on my phone, nor give all my phone contacts to Whatsapp. Yes, I might be a bit paranoid. I am thinking about getting a separate phone for this kind of stuff though.

I have aquaintances at my choir, one in particular that I go to the movies with. But I am not sure that she really likes me, maybe I am more of a charity case for here.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Lara.