Dear anita,

so far, the new living situation is o.K. But I don’t live here for long (to be honest, I procrastinated with moving out). One of the new roommates is on holidays, the other one is very friendly and polite.

We talked a little bit, when we met in the kitchen. I was cooking (finally again and I love cooking! I want to try out a new recipe tomorrow!) and she asked about my studies and explained some things about the neighbourhood (where the next supermarkets are and such things).

I don’t want to create new problems this time around. But talking to each other will help, I think.

Often I still feel depressed and get self-harming thoughts and when distressed, sometimes I still harm myself. I don’t want them to know and notice!

But now that the moving process is almost done, I can focus more on how to improve my life. Recently I started a bullet journal and I also want to do weekly reviews to stay on track. Hopefully this will help and that I will feel a little bit better.

I also have to start seeing friends again or meet new friends. During the last months I spent too much time alone. Last week my best friend invited me to a cooking evening, but I was too worried to meet new people. Maybe next time.

Lately I have been thinking also what I would have liked to do with K., basically about what I would want in a relationship. Somehow I felt confused, when I was with him, but in reality I know pretty well what I want. If everything went wrong with him, at least I see very clear now what is important to me in a relationship.

Honesty is very important and also communication (I still have to work on that myself). Best to talk about what each other wants and needs instead of expecting the other to know!And I also want to be there for each other, help and support each other.

What I would have liked to to with K.: go hiking together, just hug him very long, cook something for him or together. Take him to a walk by the river and surprise him with some food I prepared. Try out new things together, talk to each other and get to know each other.

Sadly I was too afraid to be myself because I felt I was not good enough. But anyways, it would have never worked with us and he is kind of selfish so…. at least I learned something!

The bottom line is: I am very lonely. Next time I should definitely take my friends invitation.