Dear Maria

I have selected some portions of what you have written that resonates and offered some counter statements and some action steps in the hope that it helps you as it has helped me.

It is very hard for me to come to terms that it has really ended, it simply feels brutal and horrible.

Telling myself that it was disappointing. Feeling sad and upset but not horrible. The intensity of the initial feelings will come down with time. During this time avoiding negative self talk as much as possible is useful.

I always sensed that he is not 100% in and it made me very anxious, worried and needy.

The other person may not be completely in. I would want the other person to be in completely but it is totally the choice of the other person.

I pushed with communication, commitment, making plans, and quite often we’d have pretty bad fights about it where I’d blame him for not caring enough and he’d get very angry, yelling me and threatening to end the relationship.

When we accept that it is their choice, instead of pushing we can firmly convey our feelings and inform calmly what we need.

I am already 37 and I truly want a family, and he was my person in every way. I tried so hard to give him what he needed, but I obviously failed. I live and work abroad and met him pretty soon after moving here, so he was my rock, my family and my everything here.

In the pain of separation, we look through a filter. The one that has gone seems to have been perfect. Reminding that it was not all that perfect, there were good as well as bad moments is useful. You “were in fear” as you stated of expressing your feelings, always wary of retribution. How can that be perfect when you are scared to say what you feel is logical.

 I am going through the days in slow motion now, my brain constantly yelling “This can’t be true, when is this nightmare ending and when is he coming back?”.

If he comes back, are you ready for the same cycle to repeat. If it happens what would you change about how you have dealt with things.

I constantly hope to hear from him, hoping that he realizes that he made a big mistake. Part of me is also angry and cannot understand how could he plan moving in together if he was having so big doubts about us. Biggest part is blaming myself, how my insecurity and neediness pushed him away and ruined my only chance to have a family.

It is not your only chance. Maybe it was a reasonable chance but highly unlikely the only chance. How do you know if things would have been better or worse if you were still together.

I feel completely broken, unworthy, isolated and alone.

What has happened has happened. It is not something that you like and what has past is past. By putting yourself down and blaming yourself you are not going to feel better. If he or any other person were to come to your life you have a greater chance of a good relationship when you stop blaming yourself and continue to work on your own insecurity so that it doesn’t interfere with your present and future relationships .

Wishing you the best in whatever ways are possible for you. This is a phase and I hope that you are out of it soon, growing as a person and bettering yourself.

Take care.