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Cannot grasp that he left me

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This topic contains 19 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #311215

    Maria
    Participant

    Hi everyone! It is my first time to post here, forgive me for the lengthy story. Few weeks ago, my 2-year relationship ended. It is very hard for me to come to terms that it has really ended, it simply feels brutal and horrible. I deeply appreciated and loved him and I blindly believed in our relationship, even though it wasn’t always perfect.

    We had this push and pull dynamics between us – I wanted more and he wanted less. I always sensed that he is not 100% in and it made me very anxious, worried and needy. I pushed with communication, commitment, making plans, and quite often we’d have pretty bad fights about it where I’d blame him for not caring enough and he’d get very angry, yelling me and threatening to end the relationship. We always made it through them though, and very openly spoke about our issues – I admitted being quite insecure and working on it, while he admitted that he always has doubts and needs a lot of time to fully commit.

    The rest between us was perfect in my opinion – we had a lot of closeness and pure joy together, we were very similar in our worldviews and I was constantly reminding myself how lucky I am to have finally found someone like him. He also told me that he had never felt so close, so understood and so much at home with someone as with me. This summer we lived together for a while (I rented out my apartment for couple of months because I made a break at work and spent some time in my home country with my parents, he was also there with us), and living together was amazing. He finally started to plan to moving in together more permanently (I had wanted it for a long time, but he was reluctant until then) and we spoke about our dream to take a puppy together.

    However, 2 weeks after these plans, we had another one of our arguments where I blamed him for not being available enough (he was away for work and barely contacted me, it made me again very insecure, but I also realized that it’s my stupid neediness and apologized for it). Couple of days later, he said that for him, it’s over, he doesn’t believe that we can get better, he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore, he has lost his respect and doesn’t want a family with me (but I know that he did want a family and children, so this was especially tough to hear).

    I was in shock and I still am. I am already 37 and I truly want a family, and he was my person in every way. I tried so hard to give him what he needed, but I obviously failed. I live and work abroad and met him pretty soon after moving here, so he was my rock, my family and my everything here. I am going through the days in slow motion now, my brain constantly yelling “This can’t be true, when is this nightmare ending and when is he coming back?”. We were supposed to take a puppy and move in together, instead I am alone, more confused and broken than ever. I constantly hope to hear from him, hoping that he realizes that he made a big mistake. Part of me is also angry and cannot understand how could he plan moving in together if he was having so big doubts about us. Biggest part is blaming myself, how my insecurity and neediness pushed him away and ruined my only chance to have a family. I feel completely broken, unworthy, isolated and alone. HOW to go on from here?

    #311243

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Maria,

    Spending two years in a relationship with a woman in her mid thirties would be a lot of pressure for a guy.

    Add the neediness/vocalizing what’s wrong with the relationship, him making sounds of moving in together and getting a puppy, that sent him over the edge.

    Is marriage and a family YOUR ultimate goal? If so, then you need to get very clear with these guys, and dump them without a moment’s hesitation if the relationship is not progressing.

    If you just want somebody to love, then no more neediness and grasping. Just enjoy the ride!

    Best,

    Inky

    #311265

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maria:

    I don’t think that it is your “insecurity and neediness (that) pushed him away”. I think that it is these things that pushed him away: “we’d have pretty bad fight… I’d blame him… we had another one of our arguments where I blamed him”.

    There is a difference between insecurity and neediness and aggression. It is possible to express insecurity and neediness without aggression. And you have done it in times, during those conversations (“very openly spoke about our issues”)- but you also started arguments and fights with him.

    Sometimes people cave in to aggression, surrender to it and proceed to live a life of misery and dysfunction. At other times, people reject aggression and leave.

    So now what?

    You wrote: “he doesn’t believe that we can get better, he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore”- question is: did your aggression permanently kill his feelings for you.

    What is certain is that if the two of you got back together, if you do, then any aggression on your part will be destructive and very unwise. It is possible to have a non-aggressive relationship, and in your case, non-aggression is not an option but a necessity, if you were to get back with him.

    Your thoughts?

    anita

     

    #311285

    Maria
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for writing. I am not sure about the “aggression” part – I was open to him and said I expected more, at times with a blaming and hurt tone, which started an argument and usually made him aggressive. I definitely was the one who expected more and started these arguments. But I was also very open about it and he knew I was dealing with it constantly (going to therapy etc). Somehow, it felt for me that he was being very strict – the moment I complained a little bit, sent him over the edge and made him very angry. So i was also living in a constant fear “I must not complain”, but sometimes I still did, it just felt so logical to let him know my feelings.

    I don’t know if this killed his feelings and desire to have a future with me. Just a month before he very openly and sincerely expressed his feelings for me, with words and actions, and I am not sure if they disappear so fast or if he wasn’t quite sure of them while expressing them. I am also not sure why he planned moving in together and left me just after couple of weeks. All of it makes me hopeful that there is still a chance for us, but I am terrified to contact him and find out that for him it is definitely over.

    To Inky: Yes, family is my goal, he knew it and it was mutual.

    #311295

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maria:

    Maybe I misunderstood. When you wrote earlier: “we’d have pretty bad fight.. I’d blame him.. we had anther one of our arguments where I blamed him”- can you tell me what you meant by blaming him, what did you actually say to him?

    That “pretty bad fight” you mentioned, can you describe it as in he said/ she said form, paraphrasing what he said, what you said, what he said back and add in parentheses comments such as he yelled, or .. said with a louder voice, or walked out the room or broke a glass and so forth?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #311307

    Maria
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    It is a bit hard to describe, but here is a very simplified attempt:

    Me: “Hey, I was missing you and I really wanted to talk to you more, why didn’t you call?”

    Him: “I did call once! And I was busy!”

    Me: “But you definitely had time during breaks, or before you went to bed. You didn’t even read the messages I sent you.”

    Him: “I did text you, what more do you want?”

    Me: “I told you I wanted more contact while you were away and I think you had time for it.”

    Him: “You are terrorizing me, I really don’t want to talk to you anymore” and walks away.

    Me, following: “Please don’t go, try to understand me too, I was waiting and I just cannot understand how you wouldn’t have more time for me.”

    Him: “F**k you, you are such an egoist, leave me alone”

    Me, crying.

    #311401

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maria:

    If your example is an interaction that happened many times before, then in the context of repetition, I can understand his frustration. Of course his aggressive behavior is wrong- he shouldn’t have said the F word to you and he does sound rude.

    Problem is if you nag a person again and again, meaning, if you repeatedly complained to him that he didn’t call you enough and then interrogate him: why didn’t he call you, and when he answers you, you continue the interrogation: but you had the time, you were on a break etc., then the recipient of the nagging will get tired of it and respond angrily sooner or later.

    Do you think this is what happened, that you nagged him repeatedly?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #311407

    Maria
    Participant

    Yes, sometimes I nagged him. I made mistakes. I am already blaming myself in all this and feeling truly horrible.

    #311411

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maria:

    You made mistakes but will you learn from the mistakes you know you made?

    When people make mistakes and the consequences are big, we do feel “truly horrible”. What happens next, some people try to forget that they made mistakes in the effort to no longer feel horrible.. then make the same mistakes and feel horrible all over again-

    other people (and it may be you) feel horrible, figure out what there is to learn from these mistakes, correct their behavior and proceed to live a more functional life, one with less mistakes (and not the same ones!)

    Where do you go from here?

    anita

    #311421

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi Maria,

    Aside from the nagging on your part and aggression on his part… do you know if there was anything else going on in his life? Any big stressors or tendency for depression?

    #311501

    Maria
    Participant

    I guess I have left the impression that there was a constant nagging from my part. It is not the case, I made a lot of effort and worked on it, and especially recently, managed to avoid it. I knew very well that it pushed him away, and the moments I did it it was just so overwhelming for me to see that his words and actions do not match well (he said he wanted to be together and everything is well, but he didn’t make effort to show it to me and I just sensed that he is far far away, emotionally).

    There were no major stressors in his life, at least not that I knew of. He was always a bit of a “lone wolf” and enigma though.

    #311503

    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Maria

    I have selected some portions of what you have written that resonates and offered some counter statements and some action steps in the hope that it helps you as it has helped me.

    It is very hard for me to come to terms that it has really ended, it simply feels brutal and horrible.

    Telling myself that it was disappointing. Feeling sad and upset but not horrible. The intensity of the initial feelings will come down with time. During this time avoiding negative self talk as much as possible is useful.

    I always sensed that he is not 100% in and it made me very anxious, worried and needy.

    The other person may not be completely in. I would want the other person to be in completely but it is totally the choice of the other person.

    I pushed with communication, commitment, making plans, and quite often we’d have pretty bad fights about it where I’d blame him for not caring enough and he’d get very angry, yelling me and threatening to end the relationship.

    When we accept that it is their choice, instead of pushing we can firmly convey our feelings and inform calmly what we need.

    I am already 37 and I truly want a family, and he was my person in every way. I tried so hard to give him what he needed, but I obviously failed. I live and work abroad and met him pretty soon after moving here, so he was my rock, my family and my everything here.

    In the pain of separation, we look through a filter. The one that has gone seems to have been perfect. Reminding that it was not all that perfect, there were good as well as bad moments is useful. You “were in fear” as you stated of expressing your feelings, always wary of retribution. How can that be perfect when you are scared to say what you feel is logical.

     I am going through the days in slow motion now, my brain constantly yelling “This can’t be true, when is this nightmare ending and when is he coming back?”.

    If he comes back, are you ready for the same cycle to repeat. If it happens what would you change about how you have dealt with things.

    I constantly hope to hear from him, hoping that he realizes that he made a big mistake. Part of me is also angry and cannot understand how could he plan moving in together if he was having so big doubts about us. Biggest part is blaming myself, how my insecurity and neediness pushed him away and ruined my only chance to have a family.

    It is not your only chance. Maybe it was a reasonable chance but highly unlikely the only chance. How do you know if things would have been better or worse if you were still together.

    I feel completely broken, unworthy, isolated and alone.

    What has happened has happened. It is not something that you like and what has past is past. By putting yourself down and blaming yourself you are not going to feel better. If he or any other person were to come to your life you have a greater chance of a good relationship when you stop blaming yourself and continue to work on your own insecurity so that it doesn’t interfere with your present and future relationships .

    Wishing you the best in whatever ways are possible for you. This is a phase and I hope that you are out of it soon, growing as a person and bettering yourself.

    Take care.

    #311483

    Annie
    Participant

    Hi Maria,

    Truly sorry for your loss and i hope you find the strength to move forward.

    Perhaps the reason why he left is something and sometimes it’s nothing. Not everyone will love you for who you are- but you will always be enough- better than enough-for the right person. Beautiful enough, crazy enough, needy enough. The imperfect, messy parts of you won’t matter. They will on days drive the one you love crazy, but never enough to matter. Never enough to break up with you. You will be loved despite of them- sometimes because of them. In love there will be fighting, yelling, sometimes you will be crazy with hate, feel good, feel bad, want more, want less- but there will always be warmth, care, concern and you will be the best version of yourself.

    I recently ended a 2 year relationship, engaged to be married in Dec, instantly regretted ( after 3days) and wanted him back, called to apologise but that ship had already sailed away. i know exactly how you feel, i have felt it too- tried to fix communication, he was always in a rush, could not stay on the phone long, needed to hang out with his friends, wash the car, go to the toilet. There was always something as to why he could not talk on the phone. I still want him back, but each day less and less. Allow yourself to feel all the emotions, do not shut them out, i have cried uncontrollably in the shower, laid on my bedroom floor and felt miserable.

    Not everyone you lose is a loss- sometimes the people we love are not ready for the bending and flexing it takes to be in a relationship and that is okay- someone else will come along and it will be clear why it could never work out with the one who left.

    Hugs.

     

    #311593

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Maria:

    Maybe, just maybe he “was always a bit of a ‘lone wolf'” because as a child a parent didn’t give him space, nagging him often: do this! do that! Don’t just sit there! Maybe a parent talked to him a lot, talked on and on and it was difficult for him, he felt trapped.

    Fast forward, you nag him sometimes (not “a constant nagging”) and he gets easily and quickly very frustrated, feeling trapped yet again, just as he was when he was a child. Trapped he gets angry and wants out!

    Could it be the case?

    anita

    #311599

    Valora
    Participant

    I guess I have left the impression that there was a constant nagging from my part. It is not the case, I made a lot of effort and worked on it, and especially recently, managed to avoid it. I knew very well that it pushed him away, and the moments I did it it was just so overwhelming for me to see that his words and actions do not match well (he said he wanted to be together and everything is well, but he didn’t make effort to show it to me and I just sensed that he is far far away, emotionally).

    There were no major stressors in his life, at least not that I knew of. He was always a bit of a “lone wolf” and enigma though.

    I asked because I had an ex do something similar to me. We had a similar relationship where we were very close and felt like each other’s home, best friends, all of that. He moved in with me and then 2 days later moved back out. I was completely blindsided. He did have a LOT of personal issues that he wasn’t handling well though and I didn’t realize at the time how bad they were, his depression had gotten worse but I didn’t realize it because he was internalizing it and not talking to me about it, and the only clue I had was that he was picking fights with me more, but still it wasn’t all the time and our relationship was great most of the time. I wasn’t assertive enough and would be far too passive during the fights and then he would later apologize and be left feeling like the bad guy. Then he got tired of feeling like the bad guy.

    Is it possible he has some things going on that he is internalizing? Especially if he seems quicker to anger. This might not actually be about you. The fact that his words and actions weren’t lining up say that something was off with him, especially if you guys haven’t had these issues the whole time you’ve been dating.  Like my ex got worse about a year and a half into our relationship when things just started going wrong and piling up for both of us. I was handling my stuff and working on it but he was very much internalizing what he was going through and there’s really no way for other people to know what people are thinking/feeling when they’re internalizing that way.

    So what I’m saying is try not to blame yourself because this is likely him, too. Especially since it almost seemed like a switch flipped, right? Like things were generally great most of the time and he wanted to move in and then he suddenly didn’t…  I’m sure the arguments were part of it (especially assuming he had time/energy to talk during breaks and before bed, calling him out on that would make him feel worse), but that most definitely wasn’t the whole reason.

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  Valora.
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