Hi Maria,

Yes, it was likely somewhere in between those two. The good news is that you learned a lesson from this, right? So that if he does come back and you two get back together, hopefully the same mistakes won’t happen again.  Anita is also right in that he made the decision to leave, so he will not want to come back unless he knows that whatever problems he had with the relationship won’t still be there.  A promise of change won’t be enough, but demonstration of knew knowledge should be.

The thing about the “nagging” you did, it was really just you expressing your concerns/needs to him, which you should STILL be able to do, but reframe it.  When you address concerns in the future, like if you’re feeling like you aren’t seeing each other enough and want him to call you more, instead of complaining to him that he doesn’t call you on breaks or before bed, for example (which is a criticism and makes people put a guard up), try SUGGESTING to him… like “hey, I miss you during the day. I know you’re busy, but do you ever have a moment during your day for a quick call, maybe during a break?”  That is getting the same point across while sounding much more considerate, and he will be much more likely to give a positive response to that (even if it’s just letting you know he’s too busy or needs his breaks to himself to regroup/refocus) rather than getting angry.  So just think of ways to make your concerns known but not accusatory so they don’t come off as criticism.

John Gottman is a very well known psychologist who has studied relationships for decades. He has some videos on YouTube and his website that are so, so helpful.  I wish I would’ve seen them years ago. When you get some time, check them out. I think you’ll find the information helpful for future relationships, whether it’s getting back with your ex or a new guy.

Lastly, it’s not just you that will need to change. The way he would speak to you when he was angry wasn’t okay either. You may need to learn to reframe how you speak your needs, but he also needs to respond with respect, whether he’s upset by what you say or not.

Dear Maria:

“Most of the people close to me say that I was not ‘too needy’ but I just didn’t get what I needed with him and maybe I should have left long time ago”- maybe what they say is true. But people, talking to a person following a breakup, often say whatever will make the broken hearted feel better, true or not.

I didn’t re-read your previous shares this morning, but is it true that you nagged him and terrorized him?

Also: you wrote that it was always you who ran after him in the relationship. What did you do  before that you consider to be running after him?

anita