Dear Gaia:

It is interesting that a huge portion of your fantasy is your crush watching you being or acting “kind of cool/badass/funny”.

I too had a very rich fantasy  life, lying on a bed or sofa with the radio playing songs, fantasizing. One of my fantasies was being on stage dancing to the music and a huge crowd watching me, clapping hands, admiring me. Plus millions of people all over the world were watching the event on TV, watching me dance.

Oh how lonely I was in real life, not seen by anyone. Definitely not by my mother. I watched my mother (paid attention to her) all the time, she didn’t watch me. Children/ teenagers in school, they didn’t pay attention to me either, dismissing me, as if I was invisible, or too inferior or weird, or abnormal (I had tics in addition to OCD compulsions that made me feel abnormal)  to be acknowledged.

How intensely I needed to be seen (to be watched, to be observed and acknowledged). In my fantasy world, the whole world was seeing me- that was a definite high, an elation, very pleasant feeling!

The fantasy went on and on and on as the songs on the radio changed. I didn’t want to stop fantasizing. I suppose I had  to stop when my mother came back from work (she worked very hard cleaning other people’s homes and offices).

I also dreamed of romance a lot, a whole lot. I carried the romance fantasy with me morning to night, music or no music, taking breaks from it only when I had to pay attention to something else.

I am glad I fantasized so much because it did bring me a lot of pleasure.

anita