Dear Gaia:

I identify with your “state of none life”, and jealousy of peers who did live life, being in a state of life. All I experienced in real life before 18 in the area of romance  was one fast kiss that a boy planted on my face quickly, one time. The rest of the time was my daydreaming of lots of boyfriend-girlfriend stuff with crushes that was never materialized.

My loneliness was extreme, time had a never-ending quality to it, a sort of eternity of loneliness. At times, in the mornings, if the day was a nice day, I had hope that … something exciting will happen on that day, something different, but then it was afternoon and nothing happened.

I was so angry, wanting to live life like others seem to be living life. I didn’t want to be stuck in an eternity of nothing-is-happening, an eternity of waiting.

You wrote, “mental musings were on such weird and abstract”- when alone, not socializing, not doing much at all, our brain does go to the abstract, and it does get “stuck in nonsensical and twisted matters”. Mine did.

You still need now what you always needed: to socialize, to interact with others, at least with one other person, in an honest, spontaneous way. Interact with another that way again and again, and you will be healthier and healthier.

Got to accept with sadness the loss of time and life so far, to grieve that loss, that waste. So that you are less angry and able to spot that honest, spontaneous socializing opportunity with a person you are yet to meet.

anita