HELLO!

So happy to hear from you.

Yes- very little of him that is not owned by my mother.

A lot of it comes from the brainwash my mother (I call her parrot, as in a poisoned parrot – from a worksheet I did in therapy) did regarding his health problems. She essentially made it that his life and his heart issues depended on me/was my fault. Obviously no true, but very traumatic. I used to wake up in the middle of the night when I was young to go check if my father was breathing.

In other ways, growing up I think I felt more love from him than my mother. I felt safe and protected. Of course, this can all be false – and I was a child. I remember when my mother and I were in Guatemala and I was in the hospital. She was unable to handle any of it, hardly took care of me, and also blamed me for ruining her vacation. I remember feeling that all I wanted was my father. And the moment we got home and I saw my dad, I felt completely different. No more anxiety. A lot of this can also be from parrot – as she is unable to handle things on her own and seeks support – so I may have been cloning that behavior or perspective – that with dad, everything is ok and that alone it is not.

But I believe that I feel for him. His parents treated him horribly too, he always called himself an orphan. But here he is – doing the same thing to me. Is he good to me? Does he show me love? Are his intentions in my best interest? NO. He is not only the enabler of parrot, but he himself is also treating me horribly. Oh, just horribly Anita. So I am not sure where this bond comes from. Like I said, I have not been responding to them. The other day they sent me (not joking) 88 pictures since they are traveling in Spain right now. I opened it to make the notification go away – I usually do not look at them. But one popped up. It was my father alone in the picture. And my heart dropped and tears filled my eyes. I do not know why. But I do know this is not healthy, to feel this way. And I want to deal with this emotion because I believe that it is my hindrance for fully entering my own world.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 2 months ago by cali sister.