Dear Cali Chica:

Unbelievable timing. I am thrilled that she started a thread and will keep the communications separate.

“I did not look at (C) with empathy, neither did my sister. We are primed to be hostile”-

– when we are primed to be hostile toward others, we are also primed to be hostile toward ourselves. And the other way around: when we are primed to be hostile toward ourselves, we lash out at others at times. It goes both ways.

This is why it is important, when we find ourselves judging harshly behavior that is not clearly unforgivable, to look into our own behavior the very next moment and compare. When we do that, we get humble and soften ourselves to others’ less than perfect behavior, as well as to our own.

“She (C) is only human after all”- > and so  is Cali Chica, she is only human after all.

Yes, I remember you asking me if you are a narcissist, because you “didn’t have much remorse or guilt.. in the way I treated my husband”. It is regrettable of course, that you mistreated him. Just as it is regrettable that I did the same thing to my husband. Neither you nor I are narcissists nor will we ever be. It is our hard work of healing that earns us our self forgiveness. We are good people because we took  on this hard work and we keep at it, every day.

We need not suffer to be good people, forever regret, forever guilty. No. We earn our self forgiveness so that we don’t damage others anymore and so that we ourselves don’t suffer anymore.

Take a deep, slow breath, if you will, just like I did .. and am doing again. We don’t deserve to  suffer. It is okay to let these things go- the shame and the guilt. We are good people.

anita