Grenada and Anita: just saw your posts!  Not sure how I missed them.

Grenada–I totally relate to everything you’ve said about your TF.  Wish there was a way to message individually or something– it’s so refreshing to hear from someone who gets what I’m experiencing.  It’s super interesting to me how people’s stories about twin flames are super similar…like, they all involve the same themes, same patterns, same behaviours.   And similar to what  you’ve said, even though I’m open to spiritual (and spiritually challenging) experiences, this has by far been one of the hardest for me to confront, because of all the feelings of self-loathing and insecurity and loneliness it’s conjured up inside me.  It’s like suddenly I’m in middle school again and have braces and acne and feel like crap about myself :p

Probably one of the most challenging aspects of this experience is how legitimately bad and judgmental I feel towards myself for still having feelings towards my TF. We went on A FEW DATES.  I live in a super fast-paced city where people date around all the time.  Heck, I date around all the time, lol.  So why am I stuck on this one person who pulled away from me? Who couldn’t be bothered to take the time to have a simple conversation with me, be honest with me, clear the air?  Who made me doubt myself, stirred up old demons inside me?  Why can’t I just be content with guys like N (my ex), who tried to make me happy and learn what makes me tick?

I know my anxious attachment style plays a part of it, but it still doesn’t completely explain the fixation I’ve felt towards this person.  It’s like the more I try to be rational, the less sense it makes– I just have to accept it for what it is.  I’ve been scared to use the TF label because that would mean accepting something that I’ve tried very hard to push away.  But even if I go a day or two or three without thinking about my TF (much), the feelings always return.  It’s like waves that ebb and flow, and the more I fight against the current the stronger my thoughts of him are.

“Maybe I need to stop assuming that because they don’t open up like I do, that they don’t notice things”–VERY TRUE.  I’ve probably made a lot of assumptions about my TF, based on his behaviour, that aren’t necessarily true.  During our last text conversation, after that crazy two-day birthday party where we had just started to open up to each other, he told me that I wasn’t the only one feeling things and that I needed to stop acting like I was the only one that would have difficulty moving on after that weekend.  He said he was still just trying to process what had happened.

It made me realise that I had no clue what was going on in his heart, and that maybe he has been going through some inner turmoil and conflict that i don’t know about.  I’ve been judging him, judging myself, when maybe i just need to accept the situation.  Which is, we both have a lot of work to do before we get together.  Not just him–me.  Because as much as I’d like to think of myself as being more spiritually awakened than him, the truth is that I have a lot of work to do, too.  If we ever do get together (reunite/ascend/that whole lingo lol) I’d like to be in a place where I feel secure enough, in myself and in my life’s path and purpose, to know that even if he were to disappear again, I’d be okay.  I wouldn’t fall apart or drown in doubt and regret and self-admonishment.

And if 100% honest with myself, it’s going to be a while until i get to that place.  I still don’t think I’ve found what truly sets my soul on fire with passion and purpose.  And maybe that’s what I need to do before I reunite with my TF/find my soulmate/etc.

Anita–thank you for your wise words as well.  I know I keep returning to this twin flame terminology, but it definitely helps to see things from a different perspective.  And this idea of  “trusting myself enough to live more spontaneously, less self consciously, less critical of myself, less on guard- like a child” is one that really resonates with me.  I’m an incredibly self-conscious and self-critical person; I always have been.  It’s part of the reason why I’m actually the one that does quite a bit of running in relationships.  I’m scared that the more a person gets to know me, the more they’ll see my flaws, my deficiencies.  But the more I progress in my spiritual journey, the more accepting I’m coming to be towards myself, slowly but surely.  And the more I want real love with someone who wants it with me as well.