Dear Cali Chica:

Good Morning! I will answer this post, and shortly after I will read and reply to the email from yesterday.

“my largest goal is to learn how to be a supportive, loving wife. In an authentic, true way. A way in which decreases hostility, increases vulnerability, and focuses on the task at hand without too much wavering”- reads excellent to me, worthy of retyping.

I like your description of yourself: “a fast learner, and a passionate soul”- that passionate soul is what I noticed first in the first photo I saw of you, the one you took in the subway- evident in your eyes.

You listed the reasons that your husband should be your focus (inner circle: you-and-husband), and my favorite: “Healing must happen in the context of good relationships, loving relationships- well here I have one. Right in front of me, go cultivate it!”

“I was entirely enveloped in making sure my mother- and to a large extent my sister- were okay”- your family role, one to be left in the past (regarding your sister).

I am glad you brought up your sister and shared all that you did. Ever since her NC, Oct 3, I’ve been keeping the computer on into the evening, so to read from her if she posts, and I let her know of that and when I am away from the computer, I let her know for how long.  Also, when I see her name under the list of Topics I read and answer her first (except if you post at times- I answer you first, but may answer her first).

I am very supportive of her and will continue- she knows that she can post to me anytime and I will read and reply to her as often as she does. I will continue to do so through the time that you and your husband move and settle elsewhere, and afterwards- for as long as she is in NC with her parents (if she contacts them I will still reply to her but not urgently). I hope this gives you some comfort. She has so far responded very well to me and I genuinely like her very much.

Regarding my understanding of your sister: a long time ago, after I no longer communicated with her (June 2018 on her old thread), I realized that I was wrong about her, that I misunderstood her, having inaccurately projected my mother into her, thinking that your sister was histrionic and manipulative.

I was wrong. As you shared about her after June 2018, different scenarios, I realized I was wrong and thought about posting an apology to her on her old thread, but felt uncomfortable, embarrassed and didn’t even know if she would have welcomed a post/ an apology from me. I finally did apologize to her most recently.

What a relief to know that she is not histrionic, just like you wrote in your most recent post: “she has respected the fact that this would be triggering to me”, there were many indications that she is not in what you shared over months and longer. A random example- you met her at Central Park and she expressed to you that you and her should meet there more often, you were triggered and she responded in a way that was meant to make you feel better, letting you  know she is not expecting to meet you there often. There are other examples where it is clear that she has been trying hard to deal with her own distress without burdening you. Not a histrionic trait- the opposite of histrionic. Really she is honest and kind, genuine, a very good person.

I can give you more details about what caused me to inaccurately project into her what is not true to her, if you ask.   But I will leave it as is for now.

As I re-read her posts in her old thread it became clear to me that you too inaccurately projected what is not true. It is your mother that instilled in you the idea/ role that you have to take care of her, to get her to be social and so forth. Your care-taker family role was given to you by your mother, not by your sister.

Cali sister genuinely wants you to be okay, to not be distressed by her, and good thing she can make it without your close support (or monitoring). On your part, watch that roar so it is not expressed against her. Always remove yourself from an interaction with her (take a time out) when you feel triggered.

Again, for as long as cali sister is in NC, she is my highest priority here on tb. I don’t mind if you gave her my email address although I spend way more time here than there.

anita