Dear Lily:

“When I spoke to the client I was feeling unsure of myself, awkwardly laughing. Maybe I should have said it in a bit more serious tone”- you told the client the correct words: “I am not interested“. Better say it in a serious enough, confident tone, but you are learning to evaluate people and situations better and to act and react effectively and assertively.

This kind of learning is slow by nature and requires a lot of patience. Try to look at your various life situations as learning experiences. Give yourself a good grade for saying the right words (the italicized), and on this imaginary graded exam paper, write a comment for future reference: need-to say these words in a confident voice. You can stand/ sit in front of a mirror in private and say these words, practice sounding and looking confident and sure of yourself.

“He seemed a bit annoyed/ angry, when he responded with ‘I was just asking'”- people don’t like to be rejected. But a woman has to reject men if she doesn’t want to have sex with any and every man who approaches her, otherwise, it will be a horrible life for a woman, submitting to any and every man so to not hurt his feelings. Best you should do is reject the man respectfully: no, I-am-not-interested, said not in a rude way, not trying to humiliate the man in any way, but simply say No, confidently.

“Maybe next time I could say: ‘I don’t want to engage in flirting at the workplace'”- if you said that, the client may have understood you to mean that you are okay flirting with him during lunch break (if it means having lunch outside the workplace) or after the work day. And he may wait for you right outside the door at the end of the work day. So better what you did say to him.

I am re-writing what you wrote next: when you read in the newspaper (about person X  mistreating person Y), “It is easier to see what is happening” because you don’t know X or Y, you were not involved in the situation, so you can clearly see that X mistreated Y.

But when you are person Y and X mistreats you, you get confused- you don’t know who mistreated whom and you tend to think and feel that it is you who mistreated the other person, especially if the other person criticizes and accuses you, or acts like nothing happened.

K used you/ mistreated you, but he criticized you: “you never loved me”! “You only played with me”! and automatically you feel that he is right and you being wrong, and you asked yourself: “Am I that horrible person who only uses others?”.

Next you ruminate, go back and think of  all the reasons it may have been your fault: “I was not that open with him”-

– but it is not a good idea for a woman to be open with a man she doesn’t know and especially with a man who is using her.

“Now I think: I am not that horrible person, but I made mistakes”- not being more open with K than you were, that was not a mistake. Your mistake was that you were open with him at all.

The man in the dormitory, “he also acted like he was the one wronged, or like nothing had happened.  That confused me”-  you were the one wronged in that situation, he mistreated you, forcing himself on  you, raping you, or borderline- raping you (I am not a lawyer practicing where you live, so I don’t know if he legally raped you).

Imagine if the only people going to jail for crimes they were guilty of were people who admitted their wrongs.  Imagine a group of murderers going to court, evidence is plenty. One by one each goes in front of the judge. The judge says to the first: these are pictures of you in a pool of blood holding a gun, and the accused says: no, it’s not me. There is probably something wrong with your glasses, Judge,  you need new glasses! And the judge says: maybe I do need new glasses:Not guilty! Next! The next guy tells the judge: “nothing happened!” and the judge thinks: oh, I thought something happened, but if you say nothing happened, I guess nothing happened… Not guilty! Next!

“Everything happened too fast and I was not able to truly evaluate the situation, or understand the person”- if you want, you can list behaviors/situations you encountered with any one of these two men, one line per behavior/ situation: 1,2,3 etc., and I will help you evaluate each behavior/ situation right here  on your thread.

Regarding the physical intimacy with those men- yes, we do need to be touched, it is a physical need. I remember long ago reading about babies living in an institution kind of setting, unable to develop not because of lack of food, or blankets to keep them warm when it’s cold, but simply because of not being touched enough. My neighbors’ dog Hunter, when visiting me, every once in a while I see him anxious, and he reaches out to me, wanting to be touched. Once I pet him, he relaxes.

The female friend you mentioned, the one who disclosed in public something personal that you told her in private, that was wrong of her, and I understand why you felt anger at her. But then, you got angry at yourself “for not talking to her and explaining my feelings”. It is a mental habit, established over many years, that when you are involved in a situation, and something wrong happens, then it must be you who are at fault/ responsible for anything and everything that is wrong.

Regarding your illustration about your inner critic, don’t post it here if you don’t feel comfortable doing so, but you can describe it to me if you want.

Regarding your New Year goals, you may want to list them, make them specific and simple to understand and follow.

anita