November 4, 2019 at 1:47 pm #321375
I will need to re-read your recent post more thoroughly tomorrow because I am not very focused now. But for now, you can bring back the topic of K anytime. Reading about your past interactions with him did distress me, again, because it is so unfair to you, you deserve so much better than to be treated as less-than who you are.
You believe you are hurting others while you are not! I don’t want you to do what I did myself earlier in my life, availing myself to be used, and then feeling guilty for not being pleasing enough to the person who is using me! (yes, that still makes me feel angry!)
I will read and reply more thoroughly to your recent post (and anything you may add to it) in about 15 hours from now.
* I agree that you are indeed not insane. (Temporarily insane at times, in the past at least, like I was too).
anitaNovember 5, 2019 at 5:28 am #321455
“my comic about consensual sex will have a text how in my opinion consensual sex should be”- remember though that in your personal interactions with any man, your opinion on this matter is all that mattered. Imagine you tell a man: it is my opinion that the two of us should agree to have sex before proceeding, and the man says: I disagree. Now what do you say or do, go back on your opinion or compromise it? I hope not! (You can look up the legal definition of sexual consent where you live).
You wrote: “It is not true that I would sleep with any man, so that he would not get hurt”- I hope not. But this is not what I wrote to you in my post before; what I wrote was: “a woman will easily get a lifetime, even a deadly STD if she is to have sex with any man who wants to have sex with her, so to not hurt his feelings”-
-I was making a general statement about “a woman”, not about Lily.
“I had the hope to find love with K., … I need to get to know somebody very slowly and build trust”- excellent.
anitaNovember 5, 2019 at 12:09 pm #321579
I just wrote a long text and then it was gone… But I want to thank you for your replies.
And you told me before about your past experiences. I am sorry that you had to go through this and that my threads remind you of this. Sometimes I worry to bring up K., as it might be distressing to you.But I still have a hard time understanding what happened and sometimes I get a strong urge to talk about it.
My resolution is to take better care of myself in the future. I also don’t want to drag another person into this mess.I want to establish good boundaries and say no, even if a man disagrees with my opinion. The price to pay would be too high.
Maybe tomorrow I can write more again. But I am o.k. today. I was at uni all day and had a normal conversation with my professor again. My only worry was, that I took up too much of his time. But his comments were very helpful and I got some work done. Also I talked to two other students and went to eat with another one. I felt normal and comfortable with myself. I felt like I could be worthy of being liked. Sometimes I ask myself now why I thought that I was completely unlovable.
Oh, I also want to apologize for the misunderstanding. I have a tendency to take everything personally.November 5, 2019 at 12:31 pm #321589
It is so good tor read this from you: “I am o.k. today… I felt normal and comfortable with myself”!
I accept and appreciate your apology. Not much of an offense that you committed against me (who doesn’t take things personally from time to time, I do!) Regarding K- yes it activates my own unpleasant experience but do bring him up again when you need to, because my experience exists whether activated or not. Better for me to endure it and come to peace with it when it is activated.
Till next time you post, I wish you more and more of that normal and comfortable feeling with yourself.
anitaNovember 10, 2019 at 6:19 am #322325
I am sorry, that I didn’t reply sooner. This week was very busy, but it is also good for me, because there is less time to worry. It is not good for me to spend so much time alone and without a plan like I did last weekend. Better make plans next time and call a friend, have more structure in my days.
Lately I have been feeling more o.K. with myself, unlike last year. There is still a lot to learn and often I make mistakes. But sometimes I get the feeling that I am o.K. at my core. And it is thanks to you and my therapist, that I am getting more able to have compassion for myself. Because you had compassion with me, instead of judging me. That really helped me!
Lately I think that I have not really processed what happened with the man at the dormitory. Back then, I even talked about it to friends like it was not that serious, when in reality, it caused me lots of stress and despair. I remember telling a therapist about my experience, and she covered her face in shock, while I was somewhat acting like it wasn’t really that bad. I never understood what my former therapist meant when she said that I was trying to gain control over the situation by taking on responsibility. But maybe that is what has happened.
My therapist suggested we could try EMDR, a technique used in trauma therapy, even though I am probably not traumatized. But it could help to prevent this from happening again.
After the experience with K, I feel even more motivated to learn how to establish boundaries and to speak up for myself. My biggest regret with him is, that I did not stay true to myself. I did not hug him when I felt like hugging him, I did not talk to him about wanting to take it slower, when I felt like that. My way of thinking was very strange, I tried to please him, but I did not know what he wanted.
I know that no matter what I would have done, it would not have worked out. We did not want the same things. And we both are bad at communication. Plus, we grew up in very different countries with different values. Plus, long distance relationships are hard, worse if you just met. I really don’t understand him and he did apparently not understand me.
There is much I have to learn regarding relationships and life in general. Most people learn these things as teenagers, but back then I couldn’t even speak to men… Often I feel embarrassed about being so far behind. But I am trying and not giving up so easily…November 10, 2019 at 7:13 am #322329
Thank you for your appreciation and kind words. Good thing- to have more structure in your days.
You wrote regarding the man at the dormitory: “Back then, I even talked about it to friends like it was not that serious… like it wasn’t really that bad”-
– when you feel that you are worthless, something of no value, you allow people to treat you badly, feeling that.. it is okay to treat badly something that is worthless.
“in reality, it caused me lots of stress and despair”-
– when you feel that you are worthless, your feelings are worthless and you have no compassion for yourself. In other words, you figure it is okay for someone to treat you badly and it is okay for you to allow it.. because it somehow makes sense in your mind (as it had been in mine) to be treated badly, no big deal when it is done to a worthless thing.
Fortunately, and as a result of your ongoing healing, you wrote: “sometimes I get the feeling that I am o.k. at my core… I am getting more able to have compassion for myself”-
– you are believing more and more that you are worthy, and with this belief enters self compassion.
“I never understood what my former therapist meant when she said that I was trying to gain control over the situation by taking responsibility”-
-If the child believes that her parents are bad parents, she is really stuck with bad parents. But if she believes that she is the one who is bad, then there is something she can do- try really hard to be good.
In addition to this, there really is something a child can do living with hostile parents- submit to them, not complain, withdraw so to not get into trouble, be eager to please them, get on their good side and so forth. These are adjustment a child makes which do help in the home of origin but hurts the grown child/ adult in other contexts.
When parents treat their daughter badly, the young girl pretends best she can that it is not that bad. Later she is a woman who does not complain or resist a man who treats her badly, pretending it is not that bad.
anitaNovember 11, 2019 at 9:51 am #322509
somehow I get more enraged when others get mistreated. Yesterday or so I read about this rapper who took his daughter to the doctor to get her virginity checked. It made me feel so angry. And then I had to think of the man at the dormitory. How he said that he wants to marry a virgin and doesn’t want the “garbage” of another man. While also saying that he had a different woman each night before he met me.
He said to me I was “pure”. I hate all of this! It makes me sick, this arrogance and this double standard. He doesn’t deserve to be with any woman. I know that I never want to be with such a man again.
I made the mistake to comment on another person’s backward comment, then felt more hurt…
But now I feel that I don’t want to waste my time with such people anymore. People with no empathy, who are arrogant and self-righteous! Never again!
I do not want to be that worthless thing anymore. I do not want to give in to such people like the rapper, the man in the dormitory or the commenter. Better not give them more power by doing what they want!
Sorry, I feel angry today and hurt.
What you wrote made a lot of sense. I am starting to understand things better. And I want to unlearn these behaviours, no longer submit to everything and not accept that people don’t treat me well.November 11, 2019 at 10:30 am #322523
“now I feel that I don’t want to waste my time with such people anymore. People with no empathy, who are arrogant and self-righteous! Never again! I do not want to be that worthless thing anymore… Better not give them more power by doing what they want!”-
– as I read this and before I read your sentence after that, I thought to myself: Lily is making my day! Here is her much needed anger, anger has its positive use!
And then I read your sentence after: “Sorry, I feel angry today and hurt”- no reason to apologize. Anger is natural and has its use in nature, to promote survival. Same with you, when you feel rightfully angry at people who do hurt people, it promotes your own survival by motivating you “to unlearn these behaviours, no longer submit to everything and not accept that people don’t treat me well”.
Anger is just what you need to continue to heal and accomplish what you stated here!