Dear anita,

I hope it is o.K., about the turtle. I get what you were saying and the turtle metaphor helped to make it clearer. Just, something about it made it a bit uncomfortable to me. Thank you for accepting my feelings.

About meeting him: I will think about it. I would like to have a friendly ending, as it would make me feel better. And I have already told him that I only want to meet him once. But will there be a real exchange, a talk about what happened? Likely not. I could do this to test myself and to draw a finishing line for myself. Maybe I am also too perfectionist again, trying to be this perfect and fair person. These things first got me into trouble, but I feel that I am stronger now and that I now know what I want.

Dear anita,

I have met him now and we actually were able to talk about the past. We were able to say goodbye to each other. He offered to stay friends, but today I told him that I can’t imagine being friends with an ex. He accepted it all and we parted amicably.

Apparently, everything is going well in his life. He told me that he is now mainly thinking about family, he looks forward to meet his wife and his son. This comment struck me extra hard, because I fear that I will end up completely alone. I have been thinking about family too, but I can’t imagine it for myself. When I think of my own family, I fear so much that I would repeat that unlucky pattern… But the thought hurts so much that I can’t stop crying. It’s stupid, I never thought of myself as a family person (because of my own family), but it must be nice,if you spend time with you children and partner, if you can show your children about the world and see the grow up. I try to be reasonable though, tell myself that with the state of the world it is only good to not have children and that I have to still work on myself a lot. Still this topic touches me somehow very  deeply. Well, I will soon be too old anyways. And I try to tell myself, that it is all for a reason. Maybe I am not meant for this.

He also said that he never understood why I ended things, that the problems were so small. But back then I almost had a nervous breakdown, so I don’t think I could have acted any differently. When I brought up the lack of communication, he said it was because I refused to get a smartphone. Which is true, I didn’t want one because of the distraction factor. But he never communicated this to me until the end. And definitely, I wasn’t the only one responsible for the communication problem. And that he wanted to put the blame on me, made me more firm in my decision to let him go. I could also not have been his friend, because I still feel something for him.Best to make a clear cut.

But it was good to meet him to finish this in a good way. When I sent him the message he wished me well and said he feels that he now fulfilled his task.

Sorry, you must be sick of the topic. I did not take your advice, but I had to find my own way of dealing with things. The abrupt no contact version doesn’t work for me and I find it hard to move on. Only in extreme cases it works for me.

When I first came to the forums, I was really looking for guidance, for an anchor. Because I felt so lost! And you always seemed so secure in your opinions. Unlike me, who is questioning my every move. It was good to have this safety. And I thank you for your advice, it has helped me a lot. But I also have to evaluate now, what works for me. People are different and there are different solutions to every problem. I hope you are o.K. with this.

About compulsions: I don’t know if this is me. I was extremely sad how things ended with K and could never get over it. I liked him very much, even though it didn’t go well. I had a hard time to let go of this. At least now I know that he doesn’t hate me, that he is well and that we parted amicably. That will be a huge consolation to me.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Lily.

I will never check up on him. If only for his sake, I will leave him alone. He is also the onw who did contact me, I would have not bothered him.

OI wrote will, because today I am just a little sad.

And I don’t know how he abused me? I don’t think he was using me for sex, if you mean that.

I have to make my life more meaningful! I want to have people in my life, that I can be there for, that I can spend time with. But I am also so very scared of getting closer with people. I want to get my life together, live a normal adult life. I feel so much behind in life….

Dear anita,

thank you for always taking time out of your day to read and reply.

I am already feeling better. I have spent a day with my best friend, she now has more time again! We cooked together and went for a long walk. It was nice to see her again. Today I also did o.K., painting, cooking some celeriac schnitzel with oven fried potatoes and I also did Yoga and went to a sports class and read a little. Tomorrow I will go to therapy which will be helpful.

If I follow your definition of not being behind in life, I think I have already made some progress there. I have managed to like myself more and follow my interests more. But many days happen where I still waste time online and not using my time very well. But o.K., for example today I did pretty o.K.!

About K: I think my head was a bit of in a haze after meeting him. I was looking at the potential of what the relationship could have been. But how was it really? It did not feel like a true relationship at all. I was not feeling well, there were not many beautiful memories of companionship and time spent together enjoying each others company and being there for each other. It was me, it was him, it was the circumstances, but at the end of the day it did not work out. It was more worrying myself into insanity than a loving relationship. I don’t think that I had too high expectations either… I just wanted to spend time together and share life. But we both were not very open with each other.

Anyways. I think that I could not have asked for a better ending and I can be relieved now. We talked and ended it properly. He even said to me that he has nothing to be angry about. We wished each other well. I never expected this to go this well, he even wrote more than one sentence in reply to my message that I can’t imagine staying friends with an ex. In the end, our communication improved. I think it is also because now I was better at expressing what I want. I said I wanted to meet only once and at a park or cafe, not at his home. And I stuck with it. Also, I was no longer afraid to be myself, to show myself more. I could be kind and still stand up for myself.

Just, that the better communication made me question for a moment if things would have worked out better, if I had been more myself from the start. If there was better communication and understanding for each other. But I guess it will be the most reasonable thing to move on. We have a good ending, better not ask for more! I am glad that this could be resolved, I should be able to move on now.

I think now I should become more open to meeting new people. Maybe not dating, but making some new friends or learning about people. People from all different walks interest me and I think I can learn from everyone. But I really have been hiding myself, for a longer time, because I did not feel good about myself. Now I am learning that I am o.K. and maybe I can become more courageous!

Dear anita,

I think it is the right decision to have ended it and to not remain friends. I will not be trying again with him, because it would likely not work. And what if I then left him again, what kind of mess would that be?? Or maybe he would leave me. No, it is for the best to leave this in the past. I have checked his instagram account (definitely need to stop that) and he seems very happy now. He posted pictures with captions saying how good life is. So I do not have to worry about him.

During the meeting the communication was still not that good. I was still very shy. But when I wrote to him, I was able to express myself better. Usually I am able to express myself better in writing. Only when I feel very secure with someone, I will be able to speak calmly to them, and with him I did not feel that much at ease. We just never got to spend that much time together, get to know each other well.

I brought up some things that did not work that well in the past. Was that petty of me? I said “communication was not good”. To which he responded, that I never wanted it, having no smartphone. I said “yes, I did not want one”, but I did not say that I don’t think that this was the only reason for our bad communication. Even though I do think that.

He talked about being friends, that he is interested in having that human connection. But I said, what would we do as friends, we never really spent any time together? And he said that this was not true, we went out to eat together. I did not know what to respond. But to me, those were not real dates. We went out twice. One, when he was making a stop in my town before traveling elsewhere. He informed me only shortly before that he was coming. He wanted to eat and suggested to go to a place at the main station, but there was no room to seat there. So I suggested a different place. While we were eating the conversation was slow. I was always tense around him and did not know what to say. He was texting on his phone, even called someone. I thought to myself that I must be the most boring person in the world.

The second date we met at the evening after it was dark. We sat at a bank, talking. His cousin called him. Then we walked to the main station, where we picked up some food that we then ate at home.

To me, those were not really dates. Am I asking too much? Am I untgrateful?  I do not need any fancy restaurants or gifts or anything, but I would have liked to spend some intentional time together. I know that he was busy, but we could at least have planned better, made some effort. It never felt like that, all felt so in between, like I just got crumbs… I wondered if he really was interested in me and I did not feel like it. On the other hand, I should have spoken up to him, talked about it. If I ever meet someone, I will do that. At least I have learned some things from this experience.

Anyways, I meant to say, two of the criticisms I brought up, just were dismissed. And I was also incapable of explaining myself. But those are signs that this would have never worked. In the conversations I felt like he was the leader and I the follower. like he had an idea how things should be. I did not get the impression that he was very interested in my thoughts or opinions. And that he did not reflect his own behaviour. It would not work for me and I would suffer, if I stayed with him.

And friendship would only confuse me, I think. So it is best as it is. Good that we could close that chapter together. He seems happy now and I am happy for him. Still I have a bit of a depressed feeling. But in time, I will be able to move on.

Who knows, maybe someday a relationship will be possible for me. Maybe when I’m 70 or so the time will come for me that I am ready, haha…

Dear anita,

thank you, I guess it is never too late! Who knows what will happen. At the moment, I should just focus on myself and trying to love myself first. And I need to stop thinking about K, what happened what he thinks of me. It does not matter anymore, does it?

Hopefully I did not sound too bitter above. But it will pass. I will be o.K.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by Lily.