June 6, 2019 at 5:17 am #297615
Last week, I think on thursday, I looked at my facebook messages and saw that K’s profile picture was deleted. I wondered if he had blocked me. But it seems he has deleted his account. Despite it not going well between us, I feel worried about him. But hopefully he is just focusing on his studies or improving his life. It probably has nothing to do with me and I hope he is well.
To find out, what it looks like if you get blocked, I looked at my old messages by the man from the dormitory. I had blocked him for a long time, but now it seems like he had blocked me on all of his accounts recently (I know the message was different only some weeks ago or so). Because the note in my messenger changed from “you can’t respond to this conversation” to “this person is currently not available”.
Of course I am happy with his choice to block me and move on with his life. Just, the timing is very strange. After three years of our “breakup”? Why now? Why is he still thinking about me so much after all of this time, that he feels the need to block me?
There was something weird with my account too. It said I had messages, when I had none. I wondered if there was something wrong or if it got hacked, and changed my password.
On saturday after yoga class, when I went home I crossed by a group of men, seemingly from the same ethnicity like the men from the dormitory. One was grinning at me. And one said “I will help you” and another one repeated it. I just ignored them, but I found it strange…
I know it sounds super crazy… There are more weird things, but I am probably overthinking again, making up crazy conspiracy theories… Right???
I am sorry to bother you with this. Maybe it’s just a sign that the story with these two is over now and that I should just move on.June 6, 2019 at 5:27 am #297617
I am not familiar with Facebook, but maybe that first man from the dormitory long ago organized his account recently and blocked a number of people from his past, deleted other things, re-organized, sprucing up his FB account, is that possible?
Yes, it does read like overthinking, that the group of men from the same ethnicity of that man referred to above, had knowledge of you from that man. There are more people from that ethnicity living where you live, that is all, and they saw a young woman (I know you referred to yourself as not young, but thirty or early thirties is still young) and they thought you were attractive.
anitaJune 6, 2019 at 5:52 am #297629
you are right, I am overthinking, and especially when I feel stressed. And at the moment, nothing seems to go right.
I will try to do something more productive now and work on my project for uni.
Thank you for your help!June 6, 2019 at 6:08 am #297643
You are welcome, Lily. Anytime.
anitaJune 13, 2019 at 10:32 am #298949
I am feeling a little better now. At least I am not having this extreme feeling of anxiety and like I am going crazy. And I have no more suicidal thoughts. I feel more stable, even though I still feel sad.
At work, I will be working more hours for some time and earn more, so that is a good thing. And yesterday I met my mentor, after I had almost canceled the whole program a few weeks ago, when I was under a lot of stress. She is very friendly, and we decided that I make a time plan for my university projects and other career plans. It also seems that she has a lot of useful tips on how to become a freelance illustrator. It is good to have someone to guide me a little on how to do the first steps.
Today I also looked at one room that I really liked. But there are a lot of people interested… I have to work more on this search for an appartment and I need to motivate myself. So I want to write here to motivate myself. Tomorrow, I will contact at least one person in search of a room. Hopefully it helps.
One day, I would like to have a real home, with some people who are part of my life… But I already have my best friend and we truly support each other. And my family is also supportive, even though it is a little difficult. So I need to be thankful for that. But I also want to have more friends and become less isolated…
And how are you doing?June 13, 2019 at 10:59 am #298953
I am glad you are feeling better today. Sad is definitely better than “extreme feeling of anxiety and like I am going crazy”. You asked me how I am doing- I was sad myself yesterday and then uncomfortable because yesterday was the hottest and most humid day this year, by far, and unusual for June. Today it is much cooler and dryer. I feel more comfortable and not sad.
Working more hours and earing more is a good thing, you wrote. You met your mentor yesterday, she was friendly and you decided to plan for your university projects and make other career plans- excellent, and it is possible when feeling better, when calm, so it was and is the right time to make plans.
Your goal is to work as a freelance illustrator. I don’t think I asked you before, what kinds of illustrations do you make, what do you enjoy illustrating the most and if you work as a freelance illustrator, what will you be illustrating?
And you looked for a room to rent- it is amazing how well we function when we feel calm and not anxious. Isn’t it amazing. Better then do your best to keep yourself calm.
You want “to have a real home, with some people who are part of my life”- do you mean roommates/ friends?
anitaJune 15, 2019 at 11:32 am #299311
I am glad you were feeling better when you replied. I hope you are well and not sad anymore!
At the moment I feel more stable. I don’t know why I got so upset over that floor meeting, that ended up being canceled. It was just so weird to me that they sent me an extra E-Mail and later asked me again to come… And usually, there is only one meeting every half year and we already had one. But of course, I am surely not so important to the lives of my flatmates.
My therapist said also, that I have a lot of imagination. And it is true, I end up making up horror scenarios in my head, imagining people accusing me of everything that is going wrong. And I got the feeling like “I am the problem, everywhere I go”.
But I should better use my fantasy for more productive things, for example to get creative and write a book or create a blog… But I also need to learn how to better deal with my feelings, because they can get overwhelming, when I am under stress.
But in the last days, I felt better. Yesterday I sent out all the required info to the landlord and I contacted another person in search of a roommate. I did it first thing in the morning and it worked. Tomorrow I will try again. Doing the worst thing first seems to be a good idea.
Today I also worked on my illustrations for about 4,5 hours, cleaned up and it was an o.K. day. I want to keep it up and become a functioning adult… The talk with my mentor gave me hope that I can do it too, even if it will still take some time. She plans everything ahead, so she has enough time to complete her tasks and I would like to get to that level too.
You asked about my illustrations: I like to draw people I see in the city (especially if they are interesting characters with nice or special outfits), I also draw a lot of things I see in nature (leaves or shells I collected, birds I have seen, landscapes) or scenes from everyday life. My style is described as “naive” often, also they say that my drawings are narrative and that you can see that I look at the people I draw with affection. I would show you something, but I want to stay anonymous and I gave so much personal information on this website already.
To earn money, I would like to illustrate book covers and maybe work in advertisement or make illustrations for magazines (but also, I want to work part time still, at least in the beginning). I will have to ask my mentor more about how to get started with all of this, but I am thinking about going to a book fair next spring and to show my portfolio there. I think this would give me some time to prepare. But first, I will focus on my projects for uni to not overwhelm myself again.
Then, one day I want to publish a graphic novel also. I already have ideas for more than one book… The worst problem is that I need to organize my life better and become more disciplined.
About having a home: yes, I would like to find a place that feels like home. In my dream life, I would live close to nature. Somewhere where I can go to the forest everyday, it would be nice to have a garden to grow my own food… My room doesn’t need to be big and I don’t need a lot of things, but it should be comfortable with some plants and rugs or pillows…
And yes it would be nice to have some people around. In the past I saw myself as a loner, but I am realizing more and more that I am missing something. At the moment I have isolated myself again… So yes, roommates or friends would be nice to have. Sometimes I wonder if I could live together with my brother, but it would also be difficult as he cannot make decisions and you have to cheer him on a lot. It would already be nice if I didn’t live so far away, so we could sometimes go for a trip or do sports together or something. Maybe also with my sister.
Or to have some nice roommates that would become my friends would also be good. But at the moment I am kind of doubting my ability to be a good roommate. But I think I also have some good qualities, I am polite and empathetic and I can cook well and I like to listen to others… Once I gather up the courage to talk about a problem, I can talk well to others and am also sympathetic. I clean up my mess, at least in the community rooms… Maybe it could work out….
But at some point it would also be nice to have a partner to share my life with. But its not the right time for that now, I think. I have to work on myself a lot and even though I want a relationship I am also very afraid of it. Who knows, maybe in the future it will be possible…June 15, 2019 at 12:36 pm #299315
I am not feeling sad like I did a few days ago, thank you. If you focused on keeping yourself as calm as possible every day and if you plan your day and organize it, like your mentor does, these two things will be best for you. Doing the more distressing/ challenging tasks first thing in the morning is also a good idea as it already worked for you.
I like what I believe you mean in “naïve (style)” art illustrations and paintings. I prefer those over the impressionistic style (I am not good with art terms).
Living with responsible, polite roommates will be best for you, roommates whose moods you can predict, so you will probably need to know a person over time before deciding on him or her as a roommate, so to make sure best possible that the person is predictably polite and responsible.
Making money as a book or magazine illustrator reads good to me. I know that lots of people have their own websites and illustrating websites has to be big business, but I know nothing about that.
Good to read from you, Lily.
anitaJune 21, 2019 at 10:35 pm #300305
yes, I am trying to stay more calm and plan my days better. I am feeling like I am slowly getting better, like I am procrastinating a little less and doing better. It feels like I care more and have a more positive outlook for the future, instead of constantly looking at myself as a loser. My therapy and talking to you has helped me already, I think.
I followed my plan to send out applications for a room last week. And I got 3 responses out of four.
Yesterday I went to see one of the rooms. The people living there seemed friendly and I think their lifestyle could also match with mine. But you know what? One of them said they know one of my roommates at the dormitory. How is it even possible in a city this big? Sometimes I feel like my life is a soap opera…
Well, as she was probably going to ask her friend about me, I told them that I likely didn’t make a good impression on my roommates here at the dormitory.That I hadn’t been feeling well in the past months because of problems with my boyfriend and that I was an outsider at the dormitory. That people seem to think that I had stolen something and I even said that I have avoidant personality disorder.
Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have revealed all of this, but I thought in this case it’s best to be open. Their reaction was positive. They said that they form their own opinion and that it was courageous of me to share that. But the one woman seemed also a little uncomfortable. Maybe I overshared, but I feel like I did the right thing, even though it probably means that they won’t want to live with me. Being honest is the best way for me. Better than one day the friend (my current roommate) coming over and things getting awkward…
I guess I will have to continue looking.
The last week was a little stressful, so I didn’t send out new applications. At work, I now have new tasks and I also have to answer the phone and talk to the costumers. It is a bit of a challenge, as I probably seem too insecure at times. But I tried my best, and if I know the answers, I do well, I think. But once I didn’t know what to say on the phone when my boss was around and that was a little uncomfortable. But I am learning.
After work, I even went to uni, to work on my projects. I think I did o.K. this week. But now I feel also a little tired. Today I also go to a workshop. Maybe next weekend I will take a day off and go to the forest or do something more relaxing.
As for my career, I feel more motivated to work on that now. And I will look into what you said about making money online. Maybe I can ask my mentor. I remembered how much I liked being creative and I think it could give me a purpose in life.
How are you doing? Hope all is well with you, please take care!
June 22, 2019 at 5:39 am #300337
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 3 days ago by Lily.
I am fine, thank you. Reading your recent post I remember how I used to be much like you, so unsure, having to warn people about me, similar to how you warned the potential roommates about you having had problems with a boyfriend, having been an outsider… a suspected thief and having Avoidant Personality Disorder (I didn’t know that!)- I couldn’t take the chance of people finding out what a distortion/ a freak of nature that I was, so I told them, no longer worrying much that they will find out.
And now, I no longer believe that I am a freak of nature. Imagine that!
anitaJune 22, 2019 at 11:27 am #300357
maybe it was unnecessary to say all of that. But I felt, that I wanted to be honest. And that if asked, my current flatmates would possibly tell them how weird I was…
Maybe, if I trusted myself, I could be o.K. The problems happened because of my insecurities. But I didn’t do anything to my roommates, even though I behaved weirdly. And also, I had no bad intentions with K. I just wanted to get to know him and be in a relationship with him. And I am in therapy to work on my problems. Plus, I usually get along o.K. with people, once I get to know them a little better and talk to them.
The past months were just not so easy, I think I am still recovering. Hopefully one day I can be more o.K. with myself like you are and less anxious!June 22, 2019 at 1:11 pm #300359
I will reply to your recent message when I return to the computer in about 16 hours from now.
anitaJune 23, 2019 at 6:36 am #300389
I will respond to both of your posts from yesterday:
“I am trying to stay more calm and plan my days better”- excellent, please continue, and when you get significantly anxious, return to calm best you can.
Keep “procrastinating a little less”, and have “a more positive outlook for the future”, looking at yourself as a winner from time to time (!) instead of “constantly looking at myself as a loser”. Continue to do your best at work, your best at uni and look into career options for yourself.
Regarding you seeing one of the rooms you were considering, living with roommates still, but not in your current dormitory situation- “One of them said they know one of my roommates at the dormitory”, you got scared that … the truth about you will be found out so you spilled the beans and told them that… truth before they find it out from that dormitory roommate. And what was that supposed truth?
1. “I likely didn’t make a good impression on my roommates here at the dormitory”.
2. “I hadn’t been feeling well in the past months because of problems with my boyfriend and that I was an outsider at the dormitory”.
3. “people seem to think that I had stolen something”.
4. “I have avoidant personality disorder”.
Regarding sharing the above four things, you wrote: “I feel like I did the right thing… Being honest is the best way for me… my current flatmates would possibly tell them how weird I was… But I didn’t do anything to my roommates, even though I behaved weirdly. And also, I had no bad intentions with K… And I am in therapy to work on my problems”.
1. You confessed to these people of your sins as if you are a bad and guilty person and they are good and innocent people, sitting above you as the authority over good and innocence.
What if one of the people you confessed about the suspicion of you stealing one item (based only on the fact that you owned a similar item that is available at Ikea, not a unique item), is a thief herself, stealing items from stores every day or every week- is she in a position of authority over you on the matter?
What if one of the people you confessed to about having a personality disorder has one or two herself, maybe she has psychosis- is she in a position of authority over you on the matter of mental health?
2. Maybe it is better, if possible for you, to find a very small apartment and live alone, without roommates. Or if that is not possible, maybe you can rent a room in an older person’s house, where it is not expected from you to socialize with the owner of the house, where it is expected that your only communication is good-morning, good-evening, please and thank you?
3. Regarding being honest, you can say to potential roommates something like this: I am honest and responsible, dependable, quiet, respectful, and I don’t like to socialize much, often I don’t like to socialize at all. I am not a bubbly, extroverted, socially confident person. I often feel awkward with people. What do you feel about having me as your roommate, that is, me spending a lot of time in my room alone, not joining you in the living room to watch TV or play games and so forth?
Then listen to what they say and take it from there. They might like having a roommate just like you, see it as an advantage. And if they don’t- no match.
4. Regarding your deep core belief that you are a bad, guilty person, it is not a true belief. It is a false belief and I hope you change this core belief. I know it is very difficult to do so and it takes a lot of time and intentional effort, but it is possible.
anitaJune 29, 2019 at 11:33 am #301367
thank you for your long and thoughtful response!
I agree that I probably was telling a little too much. Maybe I don’t owe it to other people to tell them of all my problems… I think what I wanted was to be understood. Especially if they asked my current roommates, I feared that they would tell them how weird I was. But being honest in the way that you suggested could be a better idea!
They found somebody else, but they wrote that it was nice to meet such a dear (?nice) person. I think it is for the best, as I wasn’t feeling so good about this. Also, they lived farther away from the city center and I don’t think I liked that area of the city too much.
But I am very disappointed of myself and how things developed in the dormitory. When I moved in a few years back, I introduced myself to everyone and it made me feel better. I even found a good friend and was friendly with some people. But now, everything is back like how it was in the first dormitory, where I also didn’t enter the community rooms and was very isolated.
When I start over, I really want to improve communication and I want to work on not taking everything personally!! I feel stupid for creating all this drama in my head! But maybe I can be more gentle with myself: I was very stressed already at the time and the stealing suspicion was just too much for me… Still, I need to work a lot on myself.
Regarding finding a new place, I already lived alone for some years and it was o.K. But the chances to get isolated are bigger and I also feel more safe with some people around. Also, it is very hard to find an affordable appartment in this city! There are about 40 people looking at the same flat and there will likely be at least one or two of them that have a better income than me. At least my chef gave me my new contract last week, but so far, I wasn’t successful.
Maybe living with an older person will be an option. But truly, I want to talk a little more to the people I live with, as it will make me feel more comfortable. You are right that I am not a social butterfly, and I do need a lot of alone time. But it would be nice to talk a little about my day from time to time, just knowing the people I live with a little better.
Here at the dormitory, there are 15 people living at one floor and it is not for me. I think that, if I live with just one or two people, it will be easier for me to get to know them and feel comfortable with them.
In the past months, I also wasn’t feeling good about myself, so I withdrew myself. But the situation, as it is now, makes me unhappy and I want to do better next time! Maybe it could be a chance to learn new things and train my social skills. But I am also afraid of failing and being a terrible roommate… But I think, if I work on communication and don’t run away from conflicts, I can be a good roommate. And you can definitely talk to me and I can also take criticism.
On Monday I will look at another room. It is with two women, a little older than me. They say they like to talk to each other, but they also do their own thing. Maybe it could be a match. It is also in an area of the city that I like and affordable. And they are thinking about adopting a cat and I love cats 🙂
I will see…
And I also want to work on changing my core belief of being a bad person. But I think that I am already seeing things a lot clearer and understanding myself better than a few months ago. I have the feeling that I am making slow progress!
Thank you as always for taking the time to read and for your help!June 29, 2019 at 12:13 pm #301369
You are welcome.
I like the following:
1. “I also want to work on changing my core belief of being a bad person”- and be a good person to yourself!
2. “if I work on communication and don’t run away from conflicts, I can be a good roommate”- if you find yourself in a conflict, and you need a break, take it, plan what to say/ do next, and then follow through with your plan.
3. “I want to work on not taking anything personally”- when you take something personally, think as objectively as you can about what happened and look for interpretations of the situation that you didn’t consider (such that are not about you having done something wrong/ having been weird).
Consider that you may feel weird-but it doesn’t mean that you are weird, that you may feel wrong- but it doesn’t mean that you are wrong, etc.
Remember that other people are not perfect and don’t consider them automatically as if they are the authority over you regarding honesty, integrity, appropriateness, and so on.
- This reply was modified 2 weeks, 2 days ago by anita.