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How do I stop caring what others think?

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This topic contains 109 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 6 days ago.

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 110 total)
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  • #301633

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    today I looked at another room. It went well, but I also was a little nervous. I think if I try to talk to people, it usually is o.K. I just have this resistance meeting new people, a voice in me that tells me to run away and hide and that it will be so much more relaxing to be by myself…

    But maybe it could be a good experience to live with two roommates, maybe I could learn new things! I don’t know if they will want me, as they are meeting two more people that are interested. But I found them likable and think it could be a match… I will find out in the next days.

    At least nothing crazy happened, but I said that I also need time for myself and that too many activities together wouldn’t be for me. (But seemingly they don’t do this anyways!) Hopefully it didn’t sound too weird. I also said that I would like to talk to them when meeting them in the kitchen and that it would make me feel more comfortable.

    I want to commit to the goals I mentioned above, I want to be a good roommate.. I don’t want to be dramatic or cause problems. At the moment I am doubting myself in my ability to be a good roommate, as I feel I didn’t do so well at the dormitory. But I have to remind myself of my good qualities and if I don’t rush into a relationship again, I will more stable.

    You are right, others also have their imperfections and problems. I want to work on seeing others as equal, it seems far more healthy! And I already believe in treating everyone equally and with respect. So I should also treat myself with respect, which is the hardest for me.

    And sometimes it’s enough that someone looks at me in a weird way, I become insecure and feel like I did something wrong. But I want to stop that, nobody can read anyone’s mind and it just makes me miserable and behave more awkwardly… I want to work on becoming more secure and become o.K. with myself.

    #301639

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    “sometimes it’s enough that someone looks at me in a weird way, I become insecure and feel like I did something wrong”-

    -this will continue to happen for a long, long time, this is how your brain operates automatically. You can’t make a decision for it to stop and problem solved. It takes a process of noticing when you perceive someone looking at you in a weird way, notice the thought that follows, like I-must-have-done-something-wrong, or I-must-seem-weird, then review the reality of the situation and suggest other explanations to yourself, such as maybe the person looking at me is thinking of someone else, is spaced out and is not even thinking about me, or what could it be that I did wrong (review) and so on. You already practiced this and did a good job at it as you shared about it in previous posts!

    Continue to be well aware of your automatic tendencies to think and feel certain ways and persist in the slow process of correcting these incorrect tendencies.

    Also, if you believe that you are weird, you are likely to behave in an awkward, insecure kind of way because it.. feels very uncomfortable to think that you are inherently weird, that there is something wrong with you. I know it because I know the feeling. Believe otherwise, over time, and you will eventually feel confident.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #302059

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    you are right, I have to repeat it to myself. Try to look for logical explanations instead of feeding into my fearful thoughts. And it will take time.

    I am starting to feel more stable again after everything with K. is over for a while now. The feeling of severe anxiety is gone. Of course, I am still a person that worries a lot.

    Along the way, I think I learned something. The most important thing is not to rush into anything and take my time. Take time to get to know people, so I will feel comfortable with them. Never do anything that I’m not ready to do just to please others… Listen to my own feelings.

    And when I move out of the dormitory, I will hopefully feel even more better. Even though I am disappointed in myself, that I couldn’t solve the problem and hid myself instead. Right now, I don’t know how to behave when I meet the people that live here. I feel very weird, but maybe, like you said, I should stop telling that to myself. Maybe I should just say “hello” to them, regardless of their reaction. Maybe I should do it for myself. My therapist said something like that and it seems like a good idea. To not look for answers or approval outside, but seek it inside me.

    #302071

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    You read reasonable to me throughout your recent post (as well as many times before).

    Regarding “I don’t know how to behave when I meet the people that live here”- think about this: it really doesn’t matter. What I mean by it, is that these people will soon enough be in your past. None of them is  or will ever be paying your bills, affect your future career in any way… they are of no consequence to you. Therefore it doesn’t really matter what they think of you. It simply doesn’t matter.

    So say Hello to individuals you see, fine, say hello in a neutral or somewhat friendly tone, your choice, and communicate only in regard to practicalities that have to be communicated.

    Again, it really.. doesn’t matter what they think of you because it is of no consequence to your life.

    anita

    #302213

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I think that I am reasonable in my core. Only when stressed I can have some crazy thoughts and I worry too much about what others think.

    It is the same with my roommates. You are right that it doesn’t matter. But somehow, since my childhood, I was always afraid of what others think. I remember wishing to know what people thought of me. Now I think it’s best not to know and it’s none of my business. The most important thing is what I think about myself! And sadly, I have been very harsh to myself for a long time! But I want to change that. And maybe I will want to make a zine and write an article about the inner critic and how to overcome it and illustrate it. Would you be o.K. with me using some tips mentioned in our threads? But I will probably have to read more about the topic.

    Today I looked at another room, but it was awkward. When I left and after they had closed the door behind me, I heard them burst out laughing. I don’t think that I said something too weird or out of the ordinary. Maybe I was a little awkward. I bumped my head against the wall, when putting on my shoes, but that’s it. But o.K., I didn’t find them very welcoming, we didn’t even sit down to get to know each other. It all went very quick. They overall seemed nice, but maybe it’s just not a match.

    Hopefully I will find something soon. I always become nervous before the meetings. Then most people say “I could have imagined living with you, but I found someone who was a better match”. But I guess that’s just the way it is. It’s difficult to find a room in this city at a reasonable price (I even find the cheaper ones too expensive, to be honest. But it’s not comparable to eastern Germany I guess). Thankfully I still have some time left.

    #302239

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    Sure, you can use our communication in the article you may one day put together and illustrate. What an excellent idea !

    When meeting potential roommates, present yourself as you are, meaning, let them know you need a lot of alone time, that you appreciating privacy- yours and others. This will be a match with other young people who also need a lot of alone time and who appreciate privacy, their own and yours.

    anita

    #302253

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    thank you! I want to start working on that zine next week, when I have more time. There are so many ideas that I have, I just have to realize them!

    Yesterday, I think I presented myself as I was. I said that I need some time for myself. And I think it is what they want too. They seem to be working a lot, almost never being at home. But maybe I would be lonely there, maybe it would be like at the dormitory, where I don’t really know my roommates. And I don’t like the situation (that of course, I created myself, nevertheless, I am unhappy with it).

    But I think I didn’t like the way it went yesterday. When meeting other potential roommates, we always sat down to get to know each other. But they only showed the flat and we talked shortly, while standing somewhat awkwardly in the room. It just didn’t feel homely and welcoming. Or maybe they just realized after a few minutes of meeting me that it wasn’t going to work.

    Maybe I am just feeling particularily lonely today. My best friend is also spending lots of time with her new boyfriend at the moment and I isolated myself. I think I want to change that.

    Today I saw an offer of 11 people living together in a house, where they also care for a garden together and spend time together. Maybe I am crazy, but I feel like writing them. I have always had the dream of growing my own food and maybe I could learn something living in a community like that. From reading their offer, I got that homely feeling. I don’t know, maybe I am just in a weird mood today… But what can happen, most likely they will ignore my message anyways or decide to live with someone else when we meet… Am I being crazy?

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  Lily.
    #302747

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    now the people that I thought didn’t like me want me as a roommate. I am a little bit shocked… They did seem nice (only that it all went so quick!), but I was making things up in my head again and it is a reminder that I need to stop that. I am unsure what to do next, so maybe I will go for a walk to think a little bit…

    #302753

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    I didn’t know you posted July 7, probably your post didn’t reflect under the list of Topics. If you want, when you do post again and submit, see if your name shows up at the top  of the list of topics.

    The people who want you as a roommate, are those the ones you wrote about July 7, the people who work a lot and are hardly at home?

    anita

    #302777

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    yes maybe it didn’t show up!

    And yes, it were the people that I wrote about recently. They seemed on first impression like friendly, reasonable people. Two women in about my age. They said they also need some time for themselves, but they want to know their roommate. It sounds like it could be a quieter place to live and like they are more calmer people.

    I was just a bit confused that we didn’t really sit down to talk so much and I thought they wouldn’t like me. Maybe I could ask them for another meeting, to get them to know a little bit better and maybe discuss everything.

    #302793

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    Asking for another meeting reads reasonable. Maybe all they want is someone quiet (like they are, hopefully!), someone who will pay the rent portion on time and will not bother them. Maybe they don’t want to socialize at all. You can ask them this very thing that I just wrote, if that is indeed what they want… ask what their expectations of a roommate and what are their rules, formal or not, that they have in the house. Having clear rules will be best for your peace of mind living there, as long as the rules are fair and everyone keeps those rules.

    anita

    #302897

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I wrote them and asked if we could meet to get to know each other better and to talk about how to proceed further. So I think I will later think more about what I would like to know about them (right now I am a little tired from work and later I will go to an exhibition, so I will relax now). This time I hope we can sit down together and we will talk a bit more…

    It would be nice to finally find a new place, so this whole stress is over! It seems like my life is slowly going back to normality, I do hope so!

    During the last weeks I am starting to feel better about myself, even though I still have moments or days of self doubt. But I feel more hopeful, more like I have a plan.

    #302905

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lily:

    I am glad you feel more hopeful, it happens when we feel more in control of our lives, more able to make good choices and handle challenges well, and when we have a plan. I hope you relax and if and when you hear back from your potential roommates, let me know if you want me to help you prepare for the second meeting with them.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  anita.
    #302933

    Lily
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    the potential roommates didn’t respond yet. I went to the exhibition and I felt so alone there and I became sad. I wish I wasn’t like that and I wonder who would want to live with someone like that. Then I went home early, so I better don’t meet someone in this mood. Maybe I will go there again on another day, when it will be less crowded.

    My best friend spends a lot of time with her boyfriend now… I feel lonely lately.

    Best will be to focus on the good things. Today at work my Coworker told me that I have become a lot more secure with the new tasks (like answering the phone). And overall I feel better at work. Like I am o.K. there and accepted. I also try to improve myself.

    In my class, I did also allright and I feel more focused on my goals. Today I met my mentor by accident on the street and it was nice seeing her.

    I can do sports, I can paint to improve myself. I can work on my goals. I can try out a new hobby and maybe find some new friends. Best to do lots of things and not think too much. Today I fell back into my self-pitying mode, but it’s o.K. I think I am making slow progress.

    #302935

    Lily
    Participant

    Oh, also my parents are coming for a visit this weekend suddenly. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Viewing 15 posts - 46 through 60 (of 110 total)

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