Anita

That rush I would probably identify as feeling loved and accepted. That is what i’m looking for more than a relationship with a woman. I like to refer to Maslow’s hierarchy of  needs a lot when working with clients and reflecting on my own life. On his hierarchy he has physical needs>safety needs>Love & belonging>esteem>self actualization. Looking at my statement through this lens that feeling of love and belonging brings me confidence (esteem) about myself, and it makes sense. Historically my main problem has been choosing safety out of fear (i.e. self harm behaviors, social withdrawal, weed, etc.) not allowing myself to keep reaching out for love and belonging.

If i’m in my right mature adult state of being I know that a woman will not fully fill my need for love & belonging. I have been strongly influenced subconsciously by romanticism in our culture which wrongly says “you find your person, you’ve found everlasting happiness” obviously a dangerous idea to put all my eggs one basket. However that’s what i do, i’m attached to this idea that if i find the right woman all my pain will be resolved and ill be healed. In reality i need a village, a community of people to connect with on a vulnerable level to fulfill my love/belonging need. The times when I have been involved in a group of some kind have been the times when i felt at my best whether it be a good therapy group, a workout group, or good coworkers/friends. I’m desperately missing community right now and i’m exhausted with the amount of work it takes to restart and maintain that community. This problem i see as much bigger than m individual psyche, i see it as a western society issue, one that i’m dedicating my life’s work as a therapist to address. I like how you advised me to cry in front of someone to connect, this is very much missing in my life, i have a roommate who is also a therapist but she gets caught up in trying to fix me when she sees me sad, when all i really need her to do is listen and see me. When people try to fix me it makes me feel even worse about how i’m feeling as if not only do i feel terrible but now i’m a problem for you too.