@shelbyville,

Honesty is always the best policy. And if not with your friends, family, or anywhere else in the world, you may aswell always be honest here – absolutely no judgements.

I think it’s pretty normal in any case to think that him reaching out could’ve potentially been a start to something. I probably would think exactly the same, in fact I know I would, I just wish that HE knew to do better. For your sake, he should’ve known you well enough to know that he should leave you alone. Whether he really really wanted to wish you a happy birthday from the bottom of his heart or not.

In regards to job search, I’m not sure if this will help you but in my time searching I was getting 0 replies. It’s not until I slightly switched up my CV and I mean in the most gentle way, I literally changed around a few words that people started getting back to me. I couldn’t tell you if that’s the actual reason why but there it is, it seems to have worked so perhaps it’s an idea!

I’ve just come back from a concert and I actually had a very good time. But I’ve found myself in bed full of flashbacks, the side to PTSD that really kicks the sh** out of you. The flashbacks are so god damn vivid and I just cannot understand why my brain rather than protect me, would want to remind me of every single detail in absolute HD vision. And it happens, the flashbacks happen a lot… and I end up either crying my eyes out or just staying awake all together because I’d much rather be up than reliving the most hurtful, soul destroying and traumatic time of my life. I actually found myself crying out just now because the imaging of it all is so god damn clear, and I actually said out loud ‘I just want to be a normal person again’. It’s very very sad. I honestly am too aware of the fact that I will never ever get over my trauma. It’s so crystal clear. It’s so raw every single time. Every time I close my eyes and have a flashback, every trigger, words, places, smells, songs, people, you name it, it all brings the immense pain of it all back every single time. I don’t really know how all these PTSD veterans continue living with this Illness for such a long time but I can tell you this isn’t much of a life at all. It definitely feels more like a life sentence that you can’t wait to end. It honestly is a fight I’m never ever going to win and the sheer certainty of that alone sometimes takes away my will to live. On the days I push super hard to keep going and then this happens, who am I really kidding? I am so full of pain and destruction, I just am, I can pretend I’m not all I want but it always comes back. always.