Anita

I’ve thought about your response this week and I do see your point and seeking a rush has definitely been a theme in my life. I fit the definition of a thrill seeker in most ways though I never considered myself to be an emotional thrill seeker but I do see how that has applied to my romantic relationships especially after my first relationship. Since my first relationship none have lasted more than a few months at most, and i’ve rushed into sex way too fast usually after the first or second contact. Most notably when reflecting on the thrill seeking is the type of woman I end up being most attracted to is the type that plays emotional games, is unsure of what she wants, and is probably traumatized and hasn’t processed through it, basically the roller coaster ride you describe.

Outside of relationships my thrill seeking is mostly physically challenging and risky activities like skateboarding, mountain biking, running, and racing cars. What attracts me to those activities is that I feel fully alive when i’m doing them, I love the feeling of facing fear and challenging my senses. I’m beginning to see the parallels between those activities and my relationships with women which since my first girlfriend have been filled with ambivalent attachments, emotional games, and sex too soon.

There is a part of me who is aware of these thrill seeking behaviors in others relationships but they are more difficult for me to see in myself. With this most recent woman I figured out after i set the boundary with her of being exclusive the first time and she kept texting me but wouldn’t give me straightforward answers to my questions about how she felt that she was seeking drama and liked to play games because it probably gave her the thrill she was looking for. I recognized that easily in her but could not recognize my own self-sabotaging behaviors that serve to pull on the heart strings of the other person and try to draw them into co-dependence. I’m quite disappointed in myself for this.

It has been a very difficult week for me, I’ve missed two days of work this week, and i feel terribly unmotivated. I wouldn’t say i’m depressed really because i feel the sadness and despair fully, i’m not numb to it. Rather I believe i’m overwhelmed by hopelessness and loneliness. This feeling of hopelessness leads to a lot of thoughts of death. Not saying i want to die, i know this is isn’t the place for that kind of talk but i think it’s important to note that i have these thoughts on a daily basis though i’m not attached to them as i used to be when i would physically self harm. When i have thoughts of death now i see them as an indication that i’m in pain and don’t want to be. The truth is i don’t want to die, i want to live, just not how i’m living right now. Not staring into this lonely void.