Dear anita,

thank you for your questions.

1. There are some small things: he told me he loved me. He stopped during sex when I asked him. When he slept at my place, he held me very tight all night. He took my hands, told me about his future plans. He called me when he moved, told me that I was a good person.

But then, he also didn’t have much time for me, never any time on the weekends. It always felt like he was only spending time with me, when he had nothing better to do? For example, he wanted to go out with his friends and then come to me at 2 am. But I am usually not awake at that time and declined. Then I even felt guilty about that. Now I think his offer was inconsiderate? Or at least that it was completely o.K. for me to decline that offer.

Overall, I felt like I should be available whenever he wants it, but also doesn’t take some time for me. And he talked on the phone often while we met. During the phone call I confronted him that he always talked on the phone. But he said it’s unfair for me to bring that up now. I apologized and then said that I should have said something. Which is true.

Then I start to worry about my own behaviour and if I worked hard enough. I question myself if I was too clingy and at the same time not good with communication? Maybe when he always wrote “how are you” in the facebook chat, he only wanted to chat when we were both online. But I often write longer messages when a friend is not online. And I was also kind of afraid of chatting in real time or phone calls, because I just didn’t feel so comfortable with him yet and like I could be myself. I had this strong feeling that I am not good enough and very weird.

But he also never said something, and I also didn’t say something, because I was too afraid. And when I called him to ask him about that, he immediately said he wants to break up. He said on the phone that he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore, that he never wanted to hurt anyone. And he sounded very desperate and like he was crying? I never understood what happened there, my intentions were only to clear things up. But maybe I also used the wrong words. I said: “Don’t you find it weird that we never communicate so much?”, something like that. But he just immediately got upset.

This kind of communication just drove me crazy… He never said what was going on, or what he didn’t like about my behaviour. He said “I have problems, but I can only tell you later”, then never explained further. Or didn’t answer for days, then said that he was sick. Later he explained, he didn’t want to tell me about his problems, because he didn’t want to lose me. Maybe we were just not right for each other, two bad communicators…

It also seemed like we couldn’t really talk about things. When I wanted to talk about something, explain something, he never said much to it, only things like “it’s o.K., don’t worry”. But maybe I am the problem there too, because I always need reassurance from others, when I should be sure within myself. Maybe I am just too difficult, with all my worries… I can imagine that it is not very easy for others to communicate with me.

2. When it comes to hard work he did for me, I mentioned most above. That he seldomly had time for me and also didn’t take the time to explain what was going on. I don’t have the feeling like he put much effort into building our relationship? But on the other hand, he once said that he wants to go to a cafe or cook traditional food for me, but I was the one who backed off or shyed away., as I was anxious. I know that I am a not so easy person to deal with. I would have needed much time to get to know him and feel comfortable with him. But I rushed it myself. I liked him so much that I tried to overcome my own fears and called him by myself and did things that I would normally not do. Sadly, I only ended up overstepping my own boundaries.

Also, he tired harder, after I said to him that I want to go no contact. He called me, wanted to talk to me. He then tried to call more often. He asked me to paint a picture of him… I guess he tried to make it better. But I just had lost my trust in him. And he wanted everything to go according to his conditions: we wanted to meet to talk about everything. But then he suddenly said he couldn’t come, because of his work (something about his keys, he had to give them back on that day). When I offered to come to his city, he didn’t want that, as he wanted me to wait quietly at home. Also he said something about him wanting to go swimming because of his back problems. But at the same time it seemed like he was able to come to me, if I let him spend the night at my place??? It seemed very strange to me and I trusted him even less. Then I sent him the message that I cannot do it.

The last time I met him was in April. We went for a walk. The next day I told him on the phone that I couldn’t do it. I knew you would be upset and never told you about this. Since then we have no contact, and I will leave him alone! It was my mistake to meet him again, but I have learned my lesson. But I still feel guilty that I did this, that I went back and forth like that with him.

3. I don’t think he helped me much? My state got much worse when I was with him. But I know that the problems come from inside me, my insecurities and all that. But at the same time, I don’t think he made much of an effort to understand me? I know I tried to understand him, but it was of no use.

It was all a big mess. Somehow I have to forgive myself. I know I did the best I could with my knowledge at the time. There were no bad intentions from me. But clearly I did not handle the situation well. Best to not date at the moment I think.

I want to learn how to overcome my feelings of shame and guilt instead. And learn to respect myself more. I was not connected to my own feelings at all, so worried to please another person. I don’t want that for myself anymore! I don’t want to be so dependent on another person’s approval anymore. I want to learn to find calm within myself.