Dear Cali Chica:

No, it is not foolish to move across the country away from the one set of parents you do have, not if his job/ lifestyle causes him to feel (as he told you) that he has “cancer of the brain”. It is not fair to him nor is it fair to his loving, supportive parents, that he suffers so to not inconvenience them. Imagine he stays in nyc for his parents and later on he suffers a disease caused by all that distress, what will he tell his parents, in an imaginary honest conversation: you have done such a great job raising me that I chose to die young so that you will not be inconvenienced- ?

In other words, if his parents have been indeed loving and supporting, having their son’s well being their top priority, they wouldn’t welcome this kind of sacrifice.

In that imaginary, honest conversation, I imagine them saying to their sick, only son: we failed you, to somehow  lead you to choose risking your health and life so that we can remain in our old community.

An honest conversation with his parents, like you suggested to him, is key. He should present to them the following, if it is true to him: I want to live on the west coast, in a quieter place, work in a family oriented setting, way less stressed, and renting/ owning a bigger place.. and I am hoping to have a child or two, in that setting. I am a bit scared of moving and I want to hold on to what I know here, because I am used to it, but I do want something new, a better life. Do you think it is reasonable, for me to move?

And I imagine they will say: yes, we are interested in what is best for you, etc.

And he says: but what about you, your community.. and I am not absolutely sure we will have children to occupy you if you do move to the west coast.. I am torn.

And they may say: well, why don’t you move and we’ll stay here, after six months, we’ll figure it out. If we don’t want to move, if it is not a good idea for us, we’ll stay here, buy a smaller, less costly house here and stay here. And we promise you: if any one of us experiences a serious health problem, we’ll let you know immediately, we won’t keep that kind of information away from you!

– your thoughts..

anita