Dear Cali Chica:

It is most often the case, maybe always, that two siblings in an abusive household turn against each other. An abusive home does not breed peace and harmony between siblings. I don’t blame either one of you for feeling angry at the other. My points are three:

1. Like you wrote, “anger is very much in her. I need to keep that in mind in scenarios when she talks petulantly or is brash”. I would add to it that she is sometimes angry when not petulant and not brash. Sometimes you think she is clueless or tactless, not seeing that anger motivated her to say or do this or that. It is anger silently expressed, no sign of it (no raised voice, no tight facial muscles, no accusatory words, but instead.. an “okay” or a far away look, and at times the anger collapses into tears and whatnot).

2. You have to keep her outside your inner circle because of her anger at you (and yours at her). The anger is not going anywhere anytime soon, no matter what you do or not do, and you never know when it is going to take place, or just did, invisibly or silently. Because of this lack of honest, direct communication of anger, the relationship is problematic. Got to limit the relationship thoughtfully (can’t let it be spontaneous and take you where it will), so to protect yourself and your husband.

3. The best thing going for her is that job, living independently in nyc and her friends. This is her inner circle, not free of trouble, but as good as it gets for her, for now. She has to protect her job first and foremost, keep it, and live independently. The two of you need to do your healings separately (not one being the other’s therapist and so forth) and then, when enough healing is done on both sides, then it is possible to make this relationship honest and safe for both parties.

(I wish it wasn’t so, that the two of you could be each other’s best friends now or in the near future, but I don’t make the rules).

anita