Hi Anita,

Merry Christmas Eve!

Wow it is sort of hard reading all of these months of traumatic events and feelings. I have truly been through so much in the last year and a half. I am currently sticking to a medication. It feels like things are worse. I function worse and my self hate and flashbacks are worse. I hear it can get worse before better so I am sticking it out although so hard. It has been 1 month on new meds. I have a follow up next week.

I partially agree with your comments on seeing abuse everywhere. I was definitely paranoid of abuse after learning I was brainwashed in my relationship. This is true and it is a horrible feeling. But all of my life I have been skeptical. I have never trusted after the things I have been through. But with my family, meaning my brothers and aunt and even some cousins these comments and actions were purposely done. For instance my aunt making noise. I know this was her intention because I have seen her do this behavior in the past to others. Which I should have listened to my gut and even you when you told me I should get away. I stayed very long in abuse with my family. Actual emotional abuse. My brother smirked that night because getting a reaction from me was his intention. He thought after that night he would trigger me to being my old self. Which in a sense it did (hence all of my anxiety and running back to my family) He hit a wound that night so bad, I have felt in 6 months my young self re emerge. I have the physical pains I have felt all of my life and the emotional pain come in so hard to the extent I understand why people commit suicide and turn to drugs or men. Because I am so aware of it it has been dreadful. I literally feel like a worthless human being and my body feels like it is throwing up inside of me. My head feels like the actual nerves that run through it are on fire. I honestly would not wish this experience on anyone. I am in CBT therapy but I don’t feel understood so am looking else where. Not being validated is very difficult. I was abused emotionally, I was gas lit by my family. I just read an article here on Tiny Buddha on family narcissism. And scapegoating. I have been a scapegoat all of my life. If you are not informed on this you should look it up. I know we have disagreed in the past but this is really happening. The elders in my family scapegoat people in to being their slaves practically. I have been one my whole life believing it was my first priority to take care of family and leave myself to shit so to speak. And that is why when I started taking care of me and saying no I received an enormous lash back which came in the form of emotional bullying. I was not doing anything wrong so they chose to make me feel like I was wrong. And they get away with this because in those moments of actual abuse I dissociated and am unable to defend myself because it takes me back to a time to when I had no voice, it was taken from me. I now see this. I believe all of these horrific flashback and replaying of events are my brains way of processioning them because I zoned out. I am experiencing extreme rage. For all of the times I suppressed my emotions because of these cruel people. It is not their fault because I should be assertive but I can not use tools I do not have and there are cruel people in this world who can sense this and will manipulate you to make themselves feel better. It is sick and part of the reason I experience pure fright these days because I have had a lifetime of not only physical, sexual abuse but emotional from family and then a man who did the same to me. Going forward learning where the abuse is is a priority for me. It will be difficult for me to trust. Because all of my life I was guarded and chose to let my guard down for the months I was with family when trying to heal from my relationship and they shoved me back in my shell. Yes I do believe this was intentional. My cousins made comments like, do you think your special? We all get used. We all get a turn. We all need support and do not get it. I was smeared. I was gossiped about. I was made to feel completely uncomfortable around my family for NO reason other than being me and healing. It is so sick. I am so upset over this. It is painful. I do not wish to hold on to this but it is holding on to me and my body. Do you understand that from a trauma standpoint?