Dear Nichole:

It is a pleasure to read you being so clear, sensible, logical as in your recent post. It’s good to read you are still these things, clear, sensible, logical even though you’ve been suffering so much and for so long. But oh, do I wish you stop suffering any and all unecessary suffering. I wish you will experience a changed and significantly improved state of mind in this fast approaching new year.

Regarding the question I had for you, your answer (first 4 sentences)- in that new state of mind of 2020, I do hope you are clear about the issue of responsibility, that is, who is responsible for what. When someone does wrong you, he or she is responsible for that, not you. The victim of a wrong act is not responsible for it because of not defending herself well enough or asserting herself. It is still the one doing the wrong who is responsible. I read and re-read your posts in your various threads many times over months and longer. And I have no doubt that you are not responsible whatsoever to anything at all that happened to your mother. Even when you screamed at her as an adult, you are not responsible for that either.

If only I could make you believe what I wrote right above, something I believe to be true and real, I bet a lot of your suffering will be gone.

As to your question to me, the question is: are your “flashbacks and nightmares and horrible anxiety with a mean inner critic… old behavior but back in full affect since recent events with family” (as in PTSD symptoms)?

My answer: yes, I do believe that your flashbacks, nightmares, horrible anxiety and mean inner critic are the symptoms of a terrible trauma that you suffered. It is my best understanding that the center of this trauma is a combination of your life with your mother and her recent death.

Back to the issue of responsibility I brought up earlier in this post, you are not responsible for her life or her death. What your younger brother said during that meeting, blaming you regarding your mother’s death, was the worst thing he could have said to you, hitting you where it hurts the most. And so, his words were enough to bring back the old guilt, self blame, that “mean inner critic”, bring these back in all their force.

Let me know what you think of my answer and we can take it from there, if you want.

anita