December 25, 2019 at 11:21 pm #329505
That is an interesting question. I guess I did mean it that way. That it is not their fault. Which is what I am struggling with..self blame.
I guess my question was if you understood from a trauma standpoint, meaning PTSD symptoms of the past holding on to us through our body and mind versus us wanting to hold onto the past. Like my flashbacks and nightmares and horrible anxiety with a mean inner critic. It is all old behavior but back in full affect since recent events with family. It seems uncontrollable at times.December 26, 2019 at 8:01 am #329555
It is a pleasure to read you being so clear, sensible, logical as in your recent post. It’s good to read you are still these things, clear, sensible, logical even though you’ve been suffering so much and for so long. But oh, do I wish you stop suffering any and all unecessary suffering. I wish you will experience a changed and significantly improved state of mind in this fast approaching new year.
Regarding the question I had for you, your answer (first 4 sentences)- in that new state of mind of 2020, I do hope you are clear about the issue of responsibility, that is, who is responsible for what. When someone does wrong you, he or she is responsible for that, not you. The victim of a wrong act is not responsible for it because of not defending herself well enough or asserting herself. It is still the one doing the wrong who is responsible. I read and re-read your posts in your various threads many times over months and longer. And I have no doubt that you are not responsible whatsoever to anything at all that happened to your mother. Even when you screamed at her as an adult, you are not responsible for that either.
If only I could make you believe what I wrote right above, something I believe to be true and real, I bet a lot of your suffering will be gone.
As to your question to me, the question is: are your “flashbacks and nightmares and horrible anxiety with a mean inner critic… old behavior but back in full affect since recent events with family” (as in PTSD symptoms)?
My answer: yes, I do believe that your flashbacks, nightmares, horrible anxiety and mean inner critic are the symptoms of a terrible trauma that you suffered. It is my best understanding that the center of this trauma is a combination of your life with your mother and her recent death.
Back to the issue of responsibility I brought up earlier in this post, you are not responsible for her life or her death. What your younger brother said during that meeting, blaming you regarding your mother’s death, was the worst thing he could have said to you, hitting you where it hurts the most. And so, his words were enough to bring back the old guilt, self blame, that “mean inner critic”, bring these back in all their force.
Let me know what you think of my answer and we can take it from there, if you want.
anitaDecember 27, 2019 at 3:27 pm #329861
Thank you. I appreciate those compliments. It has not been easy fighting all that I’ve suffered but am also proud that I’ve remained logical. Yes I pray in the New Year things can turn around but I do know I have a lot to grieve and understand.
Thank you I will always need to hear it wasn’t my fault. I think I’m getting more clear regarding my mom but struggle subconsciously with blaming myself for my family relationships and leaving them. I keep going on going over what happened to find something I could have done better. It’s been rough in that area.
I believe my symptoms are also years of abuse and manipulative from my brothers he has always triggered me and I never knew it. I basically lived my life shamed by him and his family. I believe he and my father did this to my mother as well. It freaks me out!
yes my brother truly did a number on me when saying that to me. I haven’t forgave this yet! I’m so hurt by that and other things he did because it makes me believe he has manipulated me through life as well and that is a truth I don’t want to face because it makes me feel like what is the point? Is there a different life of no abuse and real love out there?December 27, 2019 at 4:22 pm #329865
You are welcome. I read just a bit of your recent post, will re-read attentively when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now and reply to you then. I hope you sleep well tonight.
anitaDecember 27, 2019 at 9:18 pm #329895
I am so sorry for your lost. You are a very strong individual that in my opinion have a huge purpose in this world. All that you’ve gone through i’m sure there’s so much that you are feeling and what you are feeling will lead you t your purpose, not in a negative way but in a positive way. You can inspire others that have gone through what you’ve been through. You can also open up or propose different outlets for those who are hurting in similar ways. Such as using and expressing the techniques and ways that have helped you get by and start to the process to feeling better.
December 28, 2019 at 6:44 am #329935
- This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by Amisha.
I am glad that you are more clear regarding your mother, that you know that you bear no (zero) responsibility for neither her life nor her death.
Regarding your father and two brothers, you wrote: “years of abuse and manipulative from my brothers.. he has manipulated me through life as well and that is a truth I don’t want to face because it makes me feel like what is the point? Is there a different life of no abuse and real love out there?”-
– the point to facing this truth, that you were abused and manipulated for years by two brothers, is to free yourself from suffering, and sooner than later, have that “different life of no abuse and real love” that you want to experience.
May 2020 be the 2nd beginning, a 2nd chapter in your life, one where you turn away from all the people who have abused and manipulated you, all of them, and turn toward honest, kind and respectful people.
December 31, 2019 at 9:11 am #330461
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by anita.
Happy New Year, Nichole !
anitaJanuary 9, 2020 at 9:58 am #332293
Happy New Year Anita!
Yes I start my 2nd chapter here in Florida with yet again a car full of things! Is this really happening? I don’t know how I got out of bed this morning but I’m at a Starbucks working. I feel like dying I’m in so much emotional pain but I have hopes of healing. I’m not sure how or what to do with this pain. It hurts so bad at times. I felt my system go from loving and complassion to self hate and misery. It is sad. Sad to know many people face this. As well as myself. If we could all just be more loving to each other. Pondering life and what to do and how to keep my mind right when it fights me tooth and nail to old patterns. A lifelong so it’s much stronger than my new patterns I assume. Trying my best and advocating for myself.January 9, 2020 at 11:14 am #332311
You are in Florida? I can’t believe it, my goodness! And you already found a job in Starbucks, Florida?
“Trying my best and advocating for myself”- this is the best you can do in this 2020, Chapter 2 of your life. It will not be easy but your hopes of healing will carry you through the day, every day and every night through the not so cold winter!
Post anytime, make better and better choices and remain dedicated to healing.
anitaJanuary 11, 2020 at 6:30 pm #332783
Hi Anita, yes I came to Florida, I don’t work in Starbucks. But was doing my work there.
I don’t know what to do Anita. With the pain. My mind continues to want my ex or family. It goes back and forth all day with no good ness. And I have fought like a fighter. I feel low and full of old patterns. I can’t even bring out my bubbly true self anymore. I miss me soo much. It feels like I’ll never find her again.
i am a shell of a person. I don’t know how to be a person.
im scaredJanuary 12, 2020 at 1:01 pm #332911
Your “bubbly true self”- I don’t remember that true self, it’s must have been so long since it rose from underneath. Oh how I wish it would rise up and bubble!
Nichole, attend some support group there, in Florida, make some connections with strangers, be it just bits of connections, but nothing sick, just bits of good, healthy connections, will you?
And within these small connections, let that true self go up to the surface and bubble just a little. This will be good enough for a beginning, and a beginning is just what you need.
How is the weather there?
January 12, 2020 at 2:05 pm #332937
- This reply was modified 1 week, 5 days ago by anita.
So I began a beginning
I attended a church met a woman who is also alone in the city. She introduced me to the church.
i also attended a meet up with a spiritual group who went over the 16 steps. Wow amazing. It was the safest group I’ve met yet ❤️
the weather is great.January 12, 2020 at 2:15 pm #332947
The weather is great, well this is great!
I am so glad to read that you did make connections, a church is often a great place to make positive connections in a new city, excellent!
I will be away from the computer for the rest of the day and will be back in about 14 hours from now (about 9 am your Florida time!)
anitaJanuary 15, 2020 at 3:59 pm #333725
I envy you now, being in Florida, 74 degrees in Miami, I read, 76 in Orlando, Fl. On the other hand, where I am at, it is 31 degrees, about 13″ snow on the ground, and strong snow winds. Can’t leave the house, can’t drive, and I live outside the city limit, no city services here, such as snow plows. So.. oh, I took a walk the day before yesterday, slipped on ice, fell flat on my back and bruised my chest muscles significantly. So.. yes, I see the advantage of Florida as I sit here, listening to the heavy duty winds.
But don’t get me wrong, Nichole, I truly and sincerely am glad you moved down to Florida from Chicago. Make the best of it, away from the pain of the past and toward a better life. One day, one step at a time, forward.