Hello, hello,

How was your holidays?

It’s not about being special, but about making the choice to commit and work on that commitment or don’t commit and let the relationship fall apart. They had a choice and your ex had a choice.

The key word here is “work on that commitment.” I felt that in my relationship with my ex there was an ingredient of “I’ll show them all what true love looks like.” “Them all” meaning his now ex-wife, his parents (“My parents, he said once kissing me after having talked to them on the phone in my presence, will not accept you at once, but are sure to do so once they get to know you better”), etc. Somehow that desire waned along the way. By the way, last time his now wife posted a lovey-dovey idyllic picture of herself and his parents was three years ago. It is almost as if his desire to prove it all to others starts lacking luster, along with his feelings for the person in question.

And how does that relate to his choice of not committing in the end? Also, how were you so confidence that he wouldn’t cheat on you? For him to cheat on his wife with you, there was always the possibility of him cheating on you. Sure, you can choose to trust him, but it would have said more of his character if he decided to wait until he was divorced or at least in the process of it to woo and then date you. But he jumped ship and chose to court you before actually even beginning the steps to getting divorce. He did not discuss with his wife the possibility of an open marriage and instead, chose to keep you a secret. He chose to hurt his wife because cheating is a breach of trust between them, it had nothing to do with you. Then he chose to cheat on you, breaching the trust you had in him. What a pattern. And would you really broadcast to your network that you were dating a married man? On that note, what were your thoughts on his wife? What were you thinking when you decided that it was okay for you to helped this woman’s, whom you’ve never met, husband cheat on her?

And then you keep comparing yourself to other woman. You keep highlighting your great features against thousands of faceless women, crying that you ARE desirable so why aren’t you so lucky in love? You even asked for others assurance that you’re okay, look-wise with a good resume. Even now, you still try to check off the box of desirable traits that make men into you when each and every one of those men are their own person who will have different kind of taste. Makes me feel as if you were a dress up barbie sometimes; dressing yourself as the dream of every heterosexual guy out in the world.

Actually, it’s about value. A person can only ‘like’ something for so long and not all the time. Your friend valued motherhood while your aunt valued her career. While they have decided that those situation make them happy, it won’t be happy all the time. There will be problems that they will encountered, but the meaning and value behind choosing being a mother or having a good career is something they chose to value so they can work hard towards it, problems and all. So what’s your value?

I disagree. I can value something, but I can not like it (but maybe still do it, because I value it). Say, I value being able to cook, but no matter how much I would try, my heart is just not in it. I may wake up, feeling empowered and willing to cook something for those I love, and halfway along the way, it gets so much down on me that I cannot stand it any longer. I can hardly finish. But yes, absolutely, being able to cook is a wonderful skill that is both useful (often saves a ton of money!) and attractive in a woman (isn’t the way to a man’s heart through his stomach?)

I can’t tell if you’re dodging the question of ‘value’ because you don’t know yourself well enough to respond or if it’s something else. So you value the ability to cook, so do I. But I also don’t really care about the ability to become a master chef. I value other things and they take precedent over being able to cook well. If I can make something edible, then it’s enough since if it doesn’t kill me, hey, it’s still edible.

So cooking isn’t part of the core of your personal value, then what is? What are you willing to suffer for (that doesn’t have to do with other people)?

Where does your belief in ‘forever’ relationships come from?

From where everybody’s belief in “forever” comes from, no matter whether they acknowledge it or not. Fairy-tales read in one’s childhood reinforced by romantic novels (also classic ones!) and films not to mention human dislike of uncertainty.

It is not only my own belief. Not so long ago I was a silent participant in a discussion between my peers, a single girl in her mid-20s and a young man my age (who has been married for a decade and is awaiting his third child). The girl was advocating for marriage contracts, “because people change.” The guy was saying that if you marry, you marry because you want to be with that person “forever.” Exactly like they say – who marries thinking about divorce? (We are not talking about marrying for money here.)

So I am far from being the only one believing (or who used to believe) – wanting to believe would be more appropriate now – in “forever.”

So in the end, it’s a selfish demand that the other person exist to keep them company? A “marriage contract” because people change? Then is she not willing to change alongside them? And then every decade, every cells that is a part of her body would have been replaced by a new cell. Wanting to be with someone ‘forever’ is not the same as wishing them happiness. An abusive spouse or lover can want to be with you ‘forever’, but is that necessarily good for either party, or even one of them? Though it is true that human has too much of a demand to control everything that happens in their life,you and I among those numbers. But you haven’t tried to let go of that control, nor does it seem that you want to. Have you ever tried living in that uncertainty?

GL