Dear Anita

I find that meditation helps me de-stress when I feel anxious. I am working on establishing a daily meditation practice and I find that it helps me have better mental clarity. The gender dysphoria is still there and I am aware of it but with meditation I can bring awareness to the gender dysphoria and tell myself that it’s okay and work on counting my breath. I often use my breath as an anchor when I feel anxious by imagining my inhale as inhaling positive energy and exhaling negative energy. I often inhale for a count of four and let out the breath for an exhale to the count of six and I imagine myself letting go of my anxiety and I envision a male role model that I look up to such as Harry Potter and I find that it helps. I imagine that with each inhale, I am bringing in positive qualities of the male role model I admire and with each exhale I am working on poking holes through the gender dysphoria. The gender dysphoria is like clouds in the blue sky of my mind and sometimes there are many clouds of anxious dysphoria that it blocks the blue skies in my mind and I become anxious. So I have been working on meditation to imagine the gender dysphoria as clouds that darken the skies in my mind and when the gender dysphoria comes and makes it difficult to concentrate, I say to it “it’s okay that I’m feeling anxious now. I’ll be okay. I embrace the feeling. The gender dysphoria is like clouds passing by in the sky and it’s okay.” Then having acknowledged the gender dysphoria, I imagine that I am taking a pin and poking a hole in each cloud of gender dysphoria that darkens the blue skies of peace in my mind and as the clouds of gender dysphoria dissipate I imagine a warm sunlight shining through illuminating my mind and helping me lessen the gender dysphoria I have. And I tell myself “It’s okay. Some days there will be clouds of gender dysphoria keeping my mind from being at peace. But each cloud has a silver lining and the sunlight will shine again helping clear my mind.” I find that meditation helps increase my focus and work on lessening the gender dysphoria so it is not too overwhelming. The gender dysphoria will always be there until I start to transition and then it may start to fade away once I start testosterone therapy but currently I am working on making it so that the gender dysphoria doesn’t overwhelm my mind and cause me to feel so strained. I am hoping that with more meditation practice I can work on building my strength to stay strong when people question my gender identity and possibly improve my communication skills when explaining to people in person because meditation will provide me with more mental awareness so that I am not completely lost in gender dysphoria. There will be times when the gender dysphoria will be overwhelming and I will have to take a break and cry to let things out and I think that that’s okay. I find that it is better to let my emotions out in healthy ways rather than holding them in because they might erupt like a volcano when the pressure builds up or if a person buries the feelings they will feel numb and I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to bury the feelings under like burying rocks underneath sands in an ocean because a wave might bring them up again, so I think that it’s best to work on releasing the tensions and not letting them build. I am grateful to have this Tinybuddha forum to help me express my thoughts and work on myself. Thank you for your advice and for spreading your positivity into my life. I think that some transgender people do develop eating disorders such as anorexia to cope with their gender dysphoria and the anorexia gives them a way to control how their bodies look. They think that they can exercise and restrict their foods and possibly find a way to control how their body looks and ease their gender dysphoria because if their bodies look skinnier they will have less curves and look more masculine and so anorexia is quite common amongst transgender men. On the Facebook forum “Binder Boys” where transgender men share their experiences with each other, I have met three other transgender men who have struggled with anorexia. Another thing about anorexia is that since transgender people don’t feel fully connected with their bodies because they feel like their bodies don’t look the way they want to in their minds is that they will become anorexic to feel like they can influence their bodies in some way and possibly feel more of a connection to it because by regulating the exercise and food their bodies take in they think that they have some sense of connection and control over their bodies because most of the time they feel like they don’t belong in the body that they were born with. Anorexia can be a way for transgender men to find a sense of control in their bodies and feel like they are actually there in their bodies experiencing life because sometimes the emotional pain of gender dysphoria can cause transgender people to dissociate from their bodies and feel detached from it and with anorexia they can feel physically what they are doing to their bodies and it gives them a sense that they are real and sometimes helps them from feeling numb when they start to detach from their bodies because the physical exertion of the body sometimes brings their awareness back to their bodies. It is like trying to substitute emotional pain with physical pain because physical pain is easier to deal with since you can heal from cuts or bruises but emotional pain takes more time. So some transgender people may become anorexic as a way to cope with the emotional pain of gender dysphoria and give them a sense of self when they feel detached from their bodies because the physical exertion provides some feeling to stop them from trying to dissociate and numb things down. In addition, the anorexia seems as a sense of a protection against the loss of self if a transgender person decides to dissociate from their bodies because the anorexia provides a way for the transgender person to try to put what they feel into the strain of their body and with that even though they have emotional pain some of it is expressed through anorexia and it seems to give them a way to express their inner emotional pain on the outside by putting their bodies under strain because they believe that by putting the pain into the physical body it may be easier to deal with rather than holding the pain inside or numbing it down because emotional pain on the inside is difficult and numbing it down can cause a person to feel like they aren’t really living in their bodies. Therefore, although not all transgender people experience eating disorders such as anorexia, eating disorders are common amongst the transgender community because they sometimes seek ways to express their emotional pain and find a way to control how their bodies look since they are uncomfortable with their bodies. Gender dysphoria varies in intensity amongst transgender people and some transgender people may have intense dysphoria that causes them much stress and can interfere with normal daily tasks thinking and for those transgender people they often benefit from therapist appointments, and having resources to help them with their dysphoria because it can be intense at times. The transgender people with intense dysphoria are more likely to develop eating disorders to help them with their emotional stress and have higher chances of becoming severely depressed. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help transgender people with intense dysphoria work on developing healthy ways to express their feelings. Some cognitive behavioral therapies include listening to music to help the brain focus on something else besides the dysphoria, working on acknowledging the dysphoria and seeing what triggers there might be and reducing the triggers or helping the person imagine a safe space when in an environment/situation that might trigger their gender dysphoria, and possibly just letting the person cry and release the tension and then have them write about their feelings when they are calmer. Some cognitive behavioral therapy suggests having transgender people write about their feelings so that they can get them out on paper and then say “I acknowledge these feelings. I am okay. I may not feel okay now, but my heart is beating and I am still breathing and it will be okay.” It may be helpful for the person to focus their attention on their heart beat or breath because it draws awareness away from the dysphoria and turns it to more simpler which can help the person relax. In addition,another technique is after acknowledging the dysphoria is to look at what you (the transgender person) wrote and have them scrunch up that paper and throw it into the trash and have them imagine that they are releasing the tension. Then have them take deep breaths and think about with each exhale of letting go of the tension. Then after they feel less tense then they can write a story about how they want to be and have them make it descriptive and imagine that as they write the words on paper that they are creating what they want. These are some of the cognitive behavioral therapy tips that I have learned from the counselors at Stockton University that I ffind helpful and I am working on using them to help me because my dysphoria is quite intense and I am working on not letting it overwhelm me. I don’t want to be lost in gender dysphoria that I lose sense of the daily life tasks that I want to learn learn so that I can thrive in life. There are some transgender people who have lesser degree of dysphoria than me and even though they may have difficult times in life with their gender dysphoria their anxiety doesn’t limit them so much that they will lose focus when concentrating on daily tasks so I think that they have it slightly easier emotionally but I am certain that on certain days their dysphoria may be greater than other days so those transgender people with a lesser degree of gender dysphoria may experience discomfort but not so intense that it causes them to fall into a depression. The transgender people with intense dysphoria often benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy and with transitioning they often feel the most happier with themselves. They know that transitioning won’t solve all their problems such as financial budgeting, but it can make the gender dysphoria fade so that they feel less stressed in life and since they are more comfortable with themselves they will have a better mindset to focus on tasks. The transgender people who have intense dysphoria yearn to transition because they want to live life being comfortable with themselves and they don’t want to watch life pass  them by lost in gender dysphoria so their main focus is to get as much resources as possible and to start transitioning as early as when they are able to. They know that testosterone therapy has its risks and they acknowledge it as well as acknowledging the risks of the surgery but they think that it’s worth it to make themselves feel comfortable with their bodies. Currently meditation is a way for me to ease my intense gender dysphoria. I have been following a regular workout routine to help me with my health and taking breaks from working out as well as not working out to the extreme by reducing the number of workout reps that I do. I have a workout app that provides me with workouts workouts that help work my entire body and they only last for thirty- forty five minutes so that I get a healthy workout without straining myself too much. Likewise, I have been eating six small meals a day and making sure that I drink at least four cups of water. I work on eating healthy with oatmeal for breakfast, apple for a snack, salad with nuts or hard-boiled eggs for lunch, orange for a snack, and seafood/seaweed soup for dinner. The nutritionist at Stockton University that I saw when I was taking classes in the fall semester was very helpful in helping me build healthy meal plans and they provided advice on eating light meals like a protein bar, some nuts and fruits when on-the-go or when anxious to help keep blood sugar levels stable and to keep energy levels stable as well. I learned a lot from the nutritionist at Stockton University and even though I am on winter break until January 14th and won’t have appointments until the Spring semester starts,  I have learned a great deal that has helped me work on my health. Even though gender dysphoria may be difficult at times, I want to have health so that I have the energy to go for my goals. And with meditation and some of the cognitive behavioral therapy tips I learned from Stockton University counselors I  hope to make my gender dysphoria easier to cope with so that I don’t get so caught up in it that it becomes difficult to focus on daily tasks. I have been actively following the Facebook group “Binder Boys ” because they provide support and advice for transgender men who are working on transitioning. I am also keeping up-to-date on news about the transgender community and reading online links to build my knowledge. Just today (December 31st), I learned that transgender people experience “cognitive dissonance” which is a term to describe that how transgender people perceive themselves in their minds is different from how their bodies look and this causes them to feel disconnected from their bodies which results in symptoms of anxiety and gender dysphoria. Since transgender people experience cognitive dissonance they feel like how they see and identify themselves as in their minds doesn’t match how their bodies look and this causes them major distress known as gender dysphoria. Transgender people identify in their minds as the opposite gender from the one they were born as and it is the mismatch of who they see themselves as and who they want to be in their minds that is different from how their bodies look that makes them experience cognitive dissonance that results in gender dysphoria because they feel like they don’t belong in their current bodies and the discomfort makes them want to transition so that their bodies match how they see themselves in their minds. More knowledge is being amassed on the transgender community and it is fascinating to explore and with new advances in knowledge the world may may gain awareness about transgender people and work on helping them through their struggles. The transgender community has the highest rates of suicide aat 43% which is higher than other members in the LGBTQ community. To put this into perspective,  that means at least one out of every three transgender people will attempt suicide which is pretty significant. Therefore with more knowledge and awareness of the transgender community I hope that transgender people will receive more support and the rates of suicide will decrease.

I am grateful to have friends like you who help me keep striving during the difficult times. Thank you so much Anita for your advice and encouragement that provides a light in the darkness to illuminate my way  when I feel lost. Friends  like you have helped make life meaningful and help me strive to become a better person each. Thank you for being the special soul you are and for spreading your positivity into my life. May the new year bring you blessings of abundance, love and light to heal your sorrows.

I hope that with a daily meditation practice that I can make gender dysphoria easier to cope with and feel less anxious when around people who may question my gender identity. I think that wearing looser clothing helps and I have chest binders that bind my chest relatively well that are much less tighter and I often use them when I am working out because it is easier to workout in them. When I am out in public I will wear a tighter chest binder so that my chest looks completely flat and I will take slow, deep breaths so that my lungs get enough oxygen.

Have a great New Year,  hope things make sense .  Thank  you so much for your encouragement.