Happy new year to you as well Anita!

My goal for this year is to work on my mental/emotional health and learn peace. I’m starting off by having a sober January and I’ve got some friends and family to join in as well. I want my relationship with pain to change this year. I’m tired of the chaos and it has to stop.

In response to your previous post, I agree wholeheartedly my expectation of love is unreasonable, I remember daydreaming constantly as a child in school, and at home about being loved, and that child is still in me stuck chasing that daydream. You suggested I was looking for a thrill or emotional roller coaster ride a few weeks back and I couldn’t agree more. I’m serious about getting myself together, I really feel as if I have no other choice, I can see the outcome if I stay on this path of thrill seeking and living in a false reality. I’m honestly excited about learning calmness. Also, I hope love might be more boring, or calm than what I’ve had in the past, because that would mean something new which probably will mean healthier too.

I’ve been wrestling with the idea that I just want security and something to attach to. I know the Buddhist would say attachment is the cause of suffering. So I’m hoping to learn to let go of expectations, and grasping so hard for what might not ever be there.