Dear Anita

Thank you so much for your advice. I enjoy reading about other transgender men who have dysphoria because it helps me understand my feelings and feel less alone. There are times when I wonder if my path for scientific research is just so that I can earn steady income to work on transitioning. Although I enjoy learning about scientific studies and advances in scientific technology, sometimes the research reports that I have to write about the experiments for labs that I do can be stressful. I enjoy doing the laboratory experiments and learning new things about DNA structure and chemistry of the molecules in the body, but writing lab reports to analyze the results of the experiments and making sure all the data is reported accurately and in a specific format makes me anxious sometimes. Since I tend to be a creative person who likes to experiment and learn new things, I like the research and the lab experiments part but when it comes to analyzing the results and the graphs that I have of the data collected to put in a report I sometimes find myself doubting myself. I worry that I won’t be able to write the format of the report correctly and I worry that the results that I got may not be ideal and it makes me feel anxious that I am not as smart as the other students who are analyzing the lab data. I think that my gender dysphoria makes me feel anxious and doubt myself many times and I often find myself criticizing myself when I feel like I feel like I’m not doing everything well. Such as if I make a small mistake in a calculation for a graph I will feel anxious. I know that I enjoy the transgender community and feel like I belong there and I don’t have doubts about transitioning even though I am still working on building up the pieces. I know that I enjoy Buddhist wiccan and meditation and it helps me work on better understanding myself. But when it comes to scientific research, I think I like the research and the creative aspects of doing the experiments and exploring the techniques more than I like analyzing things so sometimes I tend to doubt myself as a scientist. There are times when I think that I would also make a good spiritual counselor for the transgender community and with my poems I could spread positivity to them so I consider being a writer. The writing skills helps with lab reports and scientific research essays but I feel like I am more of a creative writer than an analytical writer which is why it takes more time for me to write lab reports than it does to write poetry even though I am interested in both science and spirituality poems. I feel more connected with working on my spiritual self because I want to feel comfortable on the inside with myself which is why I feel like the meditations and the transitioning seems to fit better with me in helping me understand myself. Although I like science, sometimes I feel like although the research is fun it can be too analytical and logical at times and I sometimes want to find a balance between the analytical skills of looking at data and the creative process of experimenting. I think that my main focus in life is to be comfortable with myself and I think that transitioning is the main goal for me and working on my spiritual growth is another. I feel like I just need enough in life for those two main goals to feel like my life is fulfilling. Science is fascinating and allows me to understand the world, but it is a third goal compared to working on my spiritual self and transitioning. This is why I feel like sometimes I don’t really belong in the world because I don’t feel like I have a place in the world since I don’t want any material gain I just want to feel alive in myself.