I can get very anxious, especially when I really like someone, and I ended up being a bit crazy and insecure with him on several occasions (asking whether he still loved his ex, wondering aloud if we were really compatible, jumping to conclusions about what he thought on a few occasions)

He obviously wasn’t expecting this to be a let’s get back together meeting and the impression I got was that he thought it was a good idea we broke up, and he said essentially that I really was just too crazy and insecure (in a nicer way than that, but thereabouts). He was perfectly pleasant but I just came away feeling like he never really cared, like the last year meant nothing to him and like we can’t even be friends now because maybe our friendship wasn’t real.

Hi Sarah,

I quoted the two parts of your post above because there are similar patterns of thought in both of them, before and after the breakup. When you were together, you said you’d been insecure and had jumped to conclusions. Looking back, had he really given you any reason to wonder these things or was it just your insecurities making you fear that these things were happening? If it was simply your insecurities/fears, you can then look at that last sentence quoted and know that that is likely your insecurities talking, too… that you did and do mean something to him, your relationship with him was very real, and I think you can take it at face value when he said that he still liked you but didn’t think the relationship was healthy for you… it likely wasn’t healthy for you. It was bringing out some major insecurities in you, and that can sort of become a self-fulfilling prophecy a lot of times. You have to work on those before you get into a relationship so that you don’t end up self-sabotaging it with insecurities, and if you decide to trust someone, you have to do your best to trust them fully and not let your doubts sneak in unless they deliberately do something that should raise red flags.

 I just can’t believe his feelings, which he said were so strong and which had built up over a year, changed within a week or so. I don’t want this experience to make it even harder for me to trust people than it already is, but it feels like my worst fears were proved right (that he was too good for me and he would leave me). I even booked a holiday next week in November because I thought our “relationship” would combust by now and that I’d need a break.. which is exactly what happened!

Have you ever read anything about the Law of Attraction? We tend to manifest or bring into our lives the things that we focus on, especially when there is great emotion attached (such as fear) or if we have strong beliefs about it. You were focusing so hard on him leaving you that you literally booked a trip months in advance, while you were still with him, to give yourself a break because you were expecting to be broke up by then. You manifested the breakup yourself in time to go on the vacation you planned for the breakup you were expecting… your belief that it would happen was that strong. It’s the perfect example of how it works.

So… my best advice is to learn from this. I know you’re feeling awful now and that’s totally normal with a breakup. Give yourself time to grieve and recover, but then work on yourself and these beliefs you have about people always leaving you. Fear of abandonment is a very, very common belief/fear and there is a lot of information even for free on the internet that you can read that may help you to get past the insecurities and change this belief so that the next relationship you get into (maybe even with the same guy, if you show him over time that you’ve grown out of your insecurities) will be much more likely to be successful. You’ll have a much better chance of a happy, committed, long-term relationship with someone who will stick around if you are able to move past the insecurities and fears that have become a self-fulfilling prophecy in the past and then you WILL be able to trust that they’ll stay if you’re both a good match for each other… but that’s the key. It still doesn’t guarantee that you will always stay with each other because sometimes it takes dating for a while to figure out that you’re not a good match… but when you DO find a good match for you, you won’t let any insecurities/doubts get in the way like before, and then that’s when the guy will stay.