Hey both.

@Genie.  Awesome news on the running – I did exactly that, including the chanting funnily enough. I also used to end the run being grateful at achieving another one and visualising positive energy filling me & any negative energy leaving. As you can tell, I’m very much a two feet on the ground kinda person but something about the routine and mental practice of this used to leave me feeling much calmer and more hopeful – it sounds like it’s helping you too which is great.

It’s interesting what you say about wasting so much time going back. It’s one of the hardest things to learn I think, is when to let go of something. And still hard to do even when you know you want to. Partly I think the whole sunk cost fallacy thing in particular makes us especially prone to this with emotional situations. E.g. say you start a new book & about 30 mins in, you are hating it. The writing is rubbish, the plot is obvious etc etc. Do you stop? No, we go on….hoping against experience it will get better… 2 hrs later (it’s a long book!) it’s still rubbish and we’re regretting our choice to continue, thinking of all the other things we could have used those two hours for. But do we stop now? No way! We’re halfway through now and we stop we’ll have to admit we wasted that time! So we plough on to the bitter end…….wasting yet more time whilst still hoping against hope it miraculously changes and improves…..at the end of the book you realise it’s part of a longer series, so perhaps the next book will be better… after all, we’ve come this far now….  You get the idea. It seems obvious you should just stop after learning enough to be able to judge that it isn’t the right book for you.  But it feels like you are ‘quitting’ and ‘giving up’ , instead of the reality which is being honest and brave enough to stop and go do something with your time that does actually benefit you.

The exact same goes for emotional investment, it’s just harder to see.  It’s hard to “give up” all those years of investment and hope in the relationship. Moving on means accepting those years are gone. It means giving up on that tiny hope that he may yet change – despite all the evidence to the contrary you have.  You actually sound like you have come a long way already since your first post – being able to accept and recognise he isn’t the right person for you is a big step. If it helps,  I don’t think of my experience as years wasted now – rather as lessons I had to go through to become the person I am today. It sounds like you are already making great strides towards doing the same, well done.  You are 100% correct, this is about you, not him. And the really good news is, “you” is something you can do something about, like it sounds like you are doing so already and on your way. This new guy also sounds like someone who is willing to work with you and help you grow as a person – that is always something awesome to find in life. I hope it goes well. Here as/when I can help more.

@ Shelby.  Funnily enough, a lot of that advice for Genie goes for you too – but you know that already 😉  Especially on the letting go part. Am I too surprised to hear your ex has been vaguely sniffing around, honestly, not really. But do I think it means what I know you hope it means, sorry, no…  You’ve changed the usual pattern of your break-ups and haven’t gone back to him. He’s probably curious about this Shelby who’s managed to go travel and quit her job. And judging by what you’ve said of him – it’s about his usual time to wonder if you’d be up for another round, especially since you guys clearly have a strong physical connection.  But that’s the point of all this self-awareness and self-esteem building work. Just because he may decide he’s ready to have you back in his life for another short period – doesn’t mean it’s the right thing for you. Would you really want to go around that loop again??? A temporary high followed by another huge low and the pain of him telling you again that he’s still the same person, doesn’t do commitment and doesn’t do relationships. He was always happy with the casual thing you guys had going.  If you were in a stronger place and just wanted the physical relationship – also no judgement if you both know what expect and want.  But you know you want commitment and you know you want a real relationship. Neither of you is right or wrong, you just want different things.  And, like the book example above,  everything you’ve learnt about your ex means you know he is not going to be able to give you what you want, even if he wanted to.

I actually think it’s great this new guy has turned into such a good friend. The people we need have a habit of appearing in our lives when we need them, even if they aren’t what we want. I’m glad to hear you say you are aware enough of not becoming reliant on him. Absolutely right.  It’s totally human and natural to want comfort but there’s a huge difference between needing it and just enjoying it when offered. Take him at his word and enjoy the friendship – you are being absolutely honest with him about your feelings and he’s dealing with it remarkably well, so he sounds like a good influence in your life.

Take care both – and you Kkasxo – now back to the manic planning for me!