Michelle,

Thanks for your advice, I completely understand your analogy for genie – it’s a good one. The only thing I would say is that the book wasn’t all horrendous and rubbish and i just reading it because I couldn’t give up on the horrendousness of it. The main character in most chapters was endearing and there were honestly some very good chapters. I’m not disagreeing that the book wasn’t for me, but it just wasn’t so black and white, good and bad elements.

I guess you’re probably right about the recent contact. I’d be mildly curious too if I was in his position with the different turn of events this time round. I deleted his birthday message and NYE message on my phone and I’ve stopped posting on the social media platform he had been viewing. So I’m taking small steps, I know it’s not the full amount of steps needed but it’s what I ca do right now.

I’m a little frightened of getting attached/reliant on new guy. I’ve been trying to maintain a little distance but fail miserably and just end up wanting to talk to him the whole time. Having said that, I also don’t have a life plan or direction going forward currently so my mind is a little bored and that may make me prone to constant contact and stimulation.

I truly believe that my ex would in no shape, way or form entertain the idea of a 4th reunion, he barely wanted the 3rd and indicated his regret about the 3rd reunion when he was ending it the last time. To be honest, the physical connection is an important element for me. I didn’t realise that before I met him that it’s an important factor in my life. I never had that kind of connection with anyone before or anyone since. So whilst I’m trying to become so self loving and self aware that I’d accept being happy on my own…..it’s like a deeper part of me thinks ‘lolz, good luck girl if you think you can survive with a immense physical connection to someone’! I considered the idea of just a physical relationship with my ex (not really a possibility on his part) but nevertheless, I don’t think my subconscious will let me shut down thee niggle of having a couple of bay-making years left. Even though I have current desire nor prospects to have kids, but I have a feeling it would rear its head again if I had any sort of relationship with my ex. Again, not a possibility but this is more to do with the wishful thinking in my head, Anyway, it is what it is, I just have to put up with the sort of…longing. I try not to think about it, but again, stupid lack of direction means I give to thinking about my ex a lot.

Speaking about the work front, I have taken on a short term contract for a project with someone. It’s only 4-5 weeks work and not massively well paid, but it’s interesting and could create further opportunities for me or give me a chance to network. So the busyness of that has started which is great because it gives me a purpose and distracts me enough at times from thoughts of my ex relationship.

@kkasxo – Happy New Year….can you believe we ‘met’ in 2018 and it’s not 2020. And you are totally correct, I was broken as you that year. It’s been a tough old road. I agree, I have come far from those days I first began writing, 15 days after my second breakup. So for anyone reading, YES….the initial searing pain does abate…I promise. So that’s something I guess. The longer term stuff takes a bit of work I guess.

You ask me how I’m doing…..really! You’re so funny and I feel you get me so well! Really…..I’m okay. Not terrible, but not great. i actually don’t really know who I am. What do I stand for, what’s my purpose, what do I really care about? I’ve experimented a lot over the past few months, but it’s hard to fathom at times. I know I’m not where I want to be. I would love to be looking at my ex relationship in the same way I look at exes from a million years ago, but it’s not happening that way. Very different circumstances I guess. I’m sad that I’m not over him I suppose. Also sad that we’re not together in a healthy and fulfilling way, but that’s something I’m trying to work on- things I have no control over and trying to accept that.

Well done on securing work, it’s tough out there right now. But you kept on grafting and I’m sure the future prospect of an income- albeit less than you had hoped for – will allay some anxiety. You’ve been through so much, but it’s not what defines you. It’s part of your story, it’s not all of your story. Hope you can remember that. You have been through some dark and struggling times and these days you’re watching Netflix, cosy in bed and preparing for a new job. No matter which way you look at that, it’s a win for you and your mental health, so I am indeed proud of you and could only hope to have half the resilience and common sense that you do.

I ABSOLUTELY hope 2020 is better to us and will set about making as good as I can myself. Looks like you’re already getting off to a good start x