Hi Janine,

The messages we send others through our interactions with them, whether intentional or not, can be complicated. I think a lot can be learned by what may be going on here.

When you ran into this guy in the stairwell and discovered he lived in your dorm building, you had all kinds of thoughts run through your mind…that the two of you could be friends, could read each other’s essays, etc. So you stopped him with the intention of making a connection with him there in the stairwell. In other words, you had a specific goal behind the interaction. But he seemed creeped out by it all, leaving you feeling rejected.

Now let’s look at it from a different perspective (maybe his?). He’s on his way to where he needs to be, walking down (or up) the stairs in his dorm building. He’s got a dozen things on his mind as people often do. In the stairwell he sees a girl who he’s met before but doesn’t really know (you), and she stops him to start up a conversation. So there they both are, standing in the stairwell. Perhaps others are coming and going up and down the stairs, or maybe the two are all alone. Regardless, it’s an awkward conversation, seems almost forced to him. It feels that she may have some expectations now that she’s discovered they both live in the same dorm building, but he’s only trying to get to where he needs to be. He feels uncomfortable.

This “friendship” has started off on the wrong foot.

Another way to have handled this interaction would have been to have simply said hello when you saw him in the stairwell, and then continued on your way without stopping him. No expectations. No forced conversation. You think he’s a cool guy and would like to be friends with him, but you can’t force these things. You’re bound to run into him again and again since he lives in your dorm building, so a simple “hello” would have sufficed at this time.

And as you already know, confronting him publicly on FB was the wrong move. This was an impulsive decision on your part, but it’s a good lesson to learn, that our actions have consequences. So you now have to live with these consequences. Before you make a move, think things through. Learn this lesson.

This will pass but the lesson is a valuable one. Hang in there, Janine. You’ll be okay.

B