How am I suppose to feel better about the situation when everyone is seemingly telling me I’ve done this horribly wrong? should I consider myself a predator? should I walk around making sure I don’t talk to anyone because I will just make people uncomfortable and trapped?  should I make sure I understand myself to be unworthy of kind human interaction?

I honestly try my best to stay out of people’s way as much as possible, for these things are already things I worry about. It is rare, and I consider it a risk for me to say hello to anyone without an invitation from them first.  I’ve confusingly apologized to people after holding he door open for them because I didn’t know whether it was nice or was creepy for me to do so. I am constantly asking myself “was that wrong of me?” or affirming “I shouldn’t have done/said that”. I do not actually ever know if I am doing things wrong or not. Even people who chose to engage me first, I consider it risky to allow myself to talk.

Look, if I could take back every word I’ve said or interaction I’ve had with a stranger, I would in a heartbeat. I do not know how else to get this across. I do not even have enough apologies in me to express how sorry I am to those I have made scared or in other ways uncomfortable.

I already consider my human desire for social connection to be a major flaw within me. I obviously don’t do it right, but I wish it could be understood that I do not mean any harm. I think of myself as something that should be exterminated, for I have the extremely unfortunate dichotomy of wanting to be accepted while being truly unacceptable.

It’s hurt for a long time, it’s going to continue to hurt to keep hearing “yes, you shouldn’t have wanted connection, you were completely wrong in your attempt”.