Dear Anonymous:

You are welcome and thank you for your kind words. Indeed, “Humans are such complex creatures”, but it is possible to dig and locate the simple ingredients in our making. “so much to learn an UNlearn”- well stated, says I. This is what I do here, I learn and unlearn (which is learning) every day.

“do a lot of people develop romantic relationships with people who just feed into that parent/ child relationship they once had?”- yes, because the relationship between a child and her parents are her first and most powerful relationships. The child’s brain is formed during these early relationships.

“I feel embarrassed that this man probably now saw me and sees me as nothing at all”- in reality, it is of no importance whatsoever how he sees you. It is all about how you see you. When person A devalues person B, it is not evidence that person B is without value, it is evidence only to the fact that person A doesn’t see value in person B.

“He has no desire to know me any further than what he already thinks of me”- this is most often the case: people don’t care to get to know more about this or that person. They are not motivated to put the time and energy and patience that it takes.

“it’s possible to be friends with someone you had sex with in the past.. but is it?”- maybe if one is no longer invested romantically in that person. But you are.

“when I find out this guy is dating someone.. I’d like for it to just roll past me, and I’d like to feel peaceful enough in myself”- then find peace in the fact that you had no power to make that big difference I talked about, in the context of your family of origin.

“How do I unlearn this core belief?”, the core belief that you are not good enough. One place to unlearn it is in quality psychotherapy where the objective to unlearn this core belief is stated and a plan as to how to accomplish it is designed and followed, with adjustments and accommodations along the way.

Here on your thread, we can do an exercise, if you want. It is a CBT (Cognitive behavioral Therapy) exercise. You can state the core belief, then list evidence in support of it, and separately, evidence refuting it. If you want, you are welcome to do this next and when you do, I will give you my input.

anita