Dear Sofioula:

My summary of (and quotes from) your “Massive update”: “On new year’s eve I left al the past behind. That door closed… So.. I was emotionally stable”. Then you were out one night and met a guy and “instantly felt hard for him”, but he told you things that alarmed you, that he didn’t have an education, that he misused his father’s money to play poker online, that he doesn’t work for much of the year, etc.

First week of getting to know him, you talked “all day everyday through texts” and went to coffee dates. He treated you well: opened doors for you, carrying your bag, paying for everything and so forth. “He nicknamed me puppy because he said I was such a yes-girl”; you “agreed to all his terms, when and where we would go”.

Second week: he was away with his parents, sharing videos and photos with you. You asked him “if we were exclusively dating to which he agreed but was soooo cold.. I could literally smell his emotional distance”. When he returned from his stay with his parents, the two of you “had drinks and then at the back of his car we had a steamy encounter but I refused sex and he was pushing for it”. He then drove you home and you agreed to meet him the next evening for “wine at his place”. Next evening, the two of you “had sex, it was amazing”, he then ordered Chinese and you watched a movie.

The next morning he didn’t contact you, so you called him in the afternoon, “he was sleeping and he was annoyed”. He was later “really cold and distant”. You asked him “if things were ok between us and if he still wanted to see me”. You asked him these questions  “Like a scared puppy, really politely.. said sorry for inconveniencing (him)”, and he told you that you are quick to make assumptions, he questioned your character and threatened, that “if it happens again, we wouldn’t continue on”.

Later on you met and he “was colder than ever.. didn’t look me in the eyes.. downgrade my diplomas and make me fear my career future.. His kisses were faint and his holding my hands also”. The two days after, you asked him out and he refused. Later on he told you that “didn’t have any feelings for me, that sex meant nothing.. saying I remind him of his ex, that he doesn’t want to waste time”. You “asked for a final meetup.. he denied.. Then he vanished.

My input today: you didn’t close the door on the past last New Year’s eve. You closed the door on your ex and opened the door for a new not-really-a-relationship. You took  on the submissive role we discussed before, the same-old role from before, deriving a particular pleasure from it, pleasure in acting sexually and otherwise very submissive to a man (we discussed this dynamic earlier at length).

This new man, like the one before him, treated you well at first, being excited about being with you. I suppose you being very attractive physically (as you shared with me) is part of their initial excitement. But as you proceeded with your game, the two of them lost their excitement and withdrew from you.

What you did with these men was not having relationships, but playing a game of submission. You derived pleasure from it, they didn’t.

Look, it is possible for you to find a decent man and play a  dominant/ submissive game with him within the context of a healthy relationship, so that the game is not everything that is going on, but a limited, mutually respectful and responsible part of a relationship.

What do you think about the suggestion I just made to you?

anita