Dear Anita,

This is exactly what I want. To be DASH. To balance those strong energies inside me before they eat me up and I start to loose my mind. I just don`t know how. I tried everything on the book, even swore an oath to never be thye same again. And in the beginning of the new years I was becoming exactly that. Even in the beginning of this last situationship, I had the breaks on and my greater good on mind, actively aoiding the old mistakes and being present and in control. Then, it all slipped.

I went to therapy. The therapist is a young woman and she seems really focused on what shes doing. I dont have my hopes up though. She took my history record and we set up for a next appointment on Saturday. She said the best thing to try with me is CBT and we identified that my main concerns are : 1.submissiveness 2.lack of self trust  3.obsessive thoughts  4.guilt tripping. We also established that my main feelings at this time are: 1.sadness  2.anger  3.disappointment  4.hopelessness. I told her, I want to create emotional & communication mechanisms inside of me in order to A) protect myself from others B) protect myself from my self critism C) engage in healthier thoughts D) understand my worth and set boundaries and communicate my standards.

I had a long talk with my sister who by my surpise is extremely supportive and helpful to my emotional needs 24/7 with patience and kindness. She believes I admire & am afraid of anger thatss why I choose the same type of emotionally unavailable/ controlling guy. She says they all have in common a macho, ultra manly appearance, angry face and a "you will do as I say" attitude.  And it is true. She says Im afraid of making a mistake, the irreversable and the consequences of me expressing anger. That`s why I am so deeply attracted to these guys. And to be fair she is right…

I try to keep my life busy with stuff. I find it helps. I started going to the gym, I started pole dancing and try to freshen up my german. It is going to be journey, but I feel like Icarus , post flight. Those feelings of regret and sadness for trusting a pair of fake wings. My fake wings are my devotion to others, that they can give me my hapiness, complete me. This last experience humbled me in a whole new way. Now just like Icarus, I have to swim, or else…