Dear Gaia:

I used to feel the way you do a whole lot, being on the outside of life, watching others celebrate life and feeling so very “stuck or deprived of.. life.. left with depression, anxiety, boredom.. loss“- these are your words, but they fit me at your age. You used the word loss. I wrote a sentence to myself at about the time I was your age: “I lost everything before I had anything”, meaning I lost all the things I didn’t yet experience, like first love, dating, having a boyfriend, going out with friends, having fun with people, feeling part of. It hurts and enrages to be on the Outside of life wanting so much to be on the Inside.

I am not celebrating Valentine Day or any other holiday other than having special food in certain holidays, but then, I have special food in regular days. I don’t even celebrate my birthday on the day I was born, I don’t care for other people/ businesses telling me what days are supposed to be special. I allow any day the equal opportunity to be special to me!

I looked at some words in Italian this morning: soffrire (to suffer), gioia (joy),  and the recent terms we’re talking about: regolazione emotive, and disregolazione emotive.

I like it that you added the last line to your recent post, that you are being objective as well, not completely drowning in misery. It takes self discipline to suffer but to not increase the suffering by adding to  it thoughts that make one suffer even more. Thoughts that are true to reality will  make you feel better.

anita