Hi Eskimo:

You were basically blindsided with a revelation of infidelity. Your mind wants to leave because of you don’t feel like you can trust her, your heart wants to stay because you love her and have built a life with her. You’re being pulled in two different directions. Is it really any wonder that you’re inconsistent?  I think it IS fair that you are in this case. You’re experiencing what is called cognitive dissonance and you’re going to keep going back and forth until you’re able to reconcile your thoughts and feelings back together…. and that might take some time.

I agree with you that if she wanted to work things out, she should have completely cut off contact with the guy she cheated with, whether you’re saying it’s completely over or not. If I were in your position, thinking of her still dating this guy would NOT make me want to go back. How are you supposed to regain trust in her when she’s still choosing to date this guy? She is the one that should be trying to make things up to you, but it sounds like you feel like you’re the one being unfair. Well, in my opinion, you aren’t being unfair and you aren’t the one in the wrong here.

What I think you should do is just take some time to yourself, without talking to her. If you two have kids, then ONLY talk about the kids when you must co-parent and not about the relationship. You need time alone to work through your feelings on what has happened. If you don’t talk to her about it, you won’t have to worry about seemingly going back and forth with her. Once you reach some clarity, then I’d have a conversation with her.

If you don’t already, I would start meditating in the morning and the evening. Meditation generally helps with moving through feelings and gaining clarity. And also please give yourself a break and some credit. You have been through a traumatic thing. Infidelity is traumatic. You are not a terrible person for feeling inconsistent because of it… like I said, you’re being pulled in two directions.. by no fault of your own, I might add. You wouldn’t be feeling like this if she had remained faithful, so you have every right to be inconsistent until you can reconcile your thoughts and feelings, however long that takes.