@shelbyville and @adelaide thank you for replying I really do appreciate any input and the guidance.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed to the point I just felt overcome by my emotions i couldn’t breathe but now even though I’m feeling anger towards myself i also am calmer to at least collect or try to make sense of my thoughts.

Anxiety will always be a part of my life in some form. I’ve suffered since a child with anxiety. It only occurred in a heightened or really destructive way after my last relationship

Those around me who I’m close to and I trust say I am in the wrong for the way I have been treating him and have pointed out something which if I am brave enough to acknowledge will determine exactly what path I take.

l know they are right and being honest for my own good. I’ve never appreciated bias and I often feel therapists or some people (with no bad intention) can sugar coat things or say what we want to hear in that moment to make what we are doing appear not so bad. When really the cold hard truth is what is needed to progress because when you remove your own blinkered glasses facts are facts.

I could ease my own guilt or be kinder to myself by explaining my silly behaviour or actions as a result of my past circumstances but truth is like my close ones have said I am still doing wrong by Jay (my nn for him I dont want to call him friend or boyfriend because he is more than that he’s a human an amazing one too)

The hardest or frustrating part is I don’t want to be doing that to him. I really don’t. Yet I find myself here acting out 🙁 but why? the consensus amongst my close ones is I’m actually falling in love with him unconsciously even if I chose not to acknowledge it properly and I actually think there’s truth in it..

@shelbyville you said the right relationship will not give anxiety but I feel most of my anxiety arises or is rooted in me being scared to acknowledge my actual feelings whereas before I would have allowed it to happen. This is all because the prev man who I thought I’d loved and would never hurt me, did hurt me. I’ve gone past the stage where I pined for him and what I thought was my happy ever after. If someone was to ask me do you still love your ex. I’d say yes a part of me always will. I gave so much of me to him. But I don’t want what we had anymore it wasn’t enough and because it took so long to realise that it has ripple effect on my current life.

When I stop feeding this fear and be rational like I’m trying to right now I see as clear as day.
When I met first met Jay i was in the get under someone to get over someone phase. I thought that would heal my broken heart. Then he walked in and was just different, a breath of fresh air. I wasn’t ready for anything real but at the same time I found I couldn’t not have him around. I was in a very bad place and would pull him in and then push him away. At Christmas when I was at my lowest and at a point I questioned my existence I realised enough was enough I wanted to be happy me again. The time away from him made me still want to reach out to him and my feelings made no sense I thought at the time is this because he filled a void. But today as i type this up and think about him with clearness and time goes on I realise how he adds to my life not takes. He brings me warmth and makes me happy . He supports me. He encourages me to be a better person because he could do so much better than me but he still chose me so I want to be better for him. He is the most patient man I’ve ever met, he makes me laugh and most of all healthy for me, when I don’t give into my insecurities and into my critical thoughts.

You say it’s my own issues, yes they are . I’ve tried working on them. But in life you can’t stop and do things in order. Chaos is something that is often needed to push you or else you miss the opportunity. I know I will regret it if I don’t see sense and let go of being selfish because I want to protect myself. I wasn’t a selfish person in matters of love before I met my ex. I fell for my ex wholeheartedly. It angers me that I allow myself to be overcome by the aftershocks of my ex relationship and everyone sane can see I’m ruining something good. I just don’t know how to face it without anxiety winning.

Jay is more of man than my ex will ever be because in our current state he has shown me more than my ex did over 5 years, he pulled me out of my depths of despair when he could have easily walked away. He stayed when he so easily could have left at such an early stage of our relationship.

I’m tired of the “work on myself” it isn’t moving me towards him I feel it’s hindering me. I just want to enjoy him. I have a person who is emotionally fully available and the way he treats me he deserves the same Genie who fell hard without fear like before. Whether it works or not is another story but to sabatoge it before it’s even begun is foolish of me. I have been selfish and not acknowledged my behaviour.

I give him him crumbs to stick around then end up pulling stunts like the above. You say I shouldn’t be scared of losing him and if I am it means it’s not healthy but are we not scared of losing anyone we care about aren’t all humans like that? If I end up losing him now..will that mean he was toxic for me too? I don’t think so it would mean I let my demons win.

I miss the old me but I can never be her again as part of her died in the 5 year relationship. I don’t know what to do. If Jay decides he has had enough I have to accept it was my selfish actions in trying to protect myself that pushed someone I actually love away. Right now I just want him to hold me but I can’t because I’ve ruined it. I pushed too far.