@michelle @shelbyville,

Evening ladies,

I have no idea why I no longer receive the notifications to my email when I am being tagged in posts.

I still very much check back on the forum often but have noticed our new ladies here on the forum and just don’t want to interrupt the productive trail of thought – silly way of thinking really so but I guess we’ve got my PTSD brain to thank for that! I’m so glad this is still such a safe and understanding place to come to! It has absolutely been my life saviour at one point and I’m glad it’s being just as effective to others. You ladies are incredible!

Michelle, you are absolutely right. I’ve been in withdrawal mode for a little while now again. I guess the demands of this job aren’t helping as I am constantly so drained from energy I really don’t have the will to do anything other than work and sleep, as if I am already not emotionally drained enough! My family have finally decided that they’ll be going in May. It’s official, date set etc. Shock. It’s crazy because no matter how much you prepare yourself it’s still so sad when push comes to shove. So I’ve made the decision to move back into my family home so I can live with my sister for a while during this transition… Mr A included although I don’t really know if we’ll proceed with that in the end.
The reality is, we are good but we are not good at all. I don’t actually know if there is love like that there per say. I do love him, I think in some way I always will but am I in love with him like that anymore? Who knows. I’ve been trying so hard to figure everything out and it seems I can’t even find the answers to my own questions. I don’t think I’ll find answers in the end.
I’ve decided though to not be so hard on myself about the decisions I’ve made post-trauma (or try not to anyway) because it’s all deeper than I can really comprehend and I guess you can never be angry at yourself for following your heart, which is what I did when we were getting back together. Trauma bonding, a shared trauma, years full of love, an idea of a future together, my PTSD, my shattered self-worth, the idea of being so broken beyond repair that no one will ever want me again, I guess they are just a few out of a long list of things that contributed to my decisions over the last two years.

In a way, I think my PTSD will mean I’ll never really be able to make a decision without questioning it. But this illness is one I’m going to have to learn to live with I guess, I just hope one day ‘enough’ really isn’t enough because I won’t lie when I say it is exhausting every single day.

I hope you are both doing well.

Michelle, you never fail to share with me your greatest life advice. But how is life treating you? I hope you are well and content and happy and no doubt planning another exciting adventure somewhere?

Shelby my love, I wish I could take all this away from you to be honest. I really cannot wait to see the day when I come on here to read how utterly and blissfully happy you are.

I really did think we would be so much further along the line at this point. And yet so much like you I feel I’ve come a long way and yet have not moved an inch really! It’s so frustrating and confusing.

Sending you both the biggest of hugs!