Dear Gaia:

You made progress being “more present and be aware”, and letting your feelings “express themselves without trying to distract” yourself.

I just read the first post you made on this thread, Sept 2019:”I can be utterly enraged, shamed and revengeful over nothing… there’s no means I can express my emotional storms and mental conflicts and thoughts outside, with someone that either understands or can be trustworthy”-

– why not express it right here on your thread. I know we talked about things but you didn’t express your emotions freely. I think you always tried to contain yourself, holding yourself back. How about this exercise: get yourself ready (maybe being alone in your room with the computer, no interruptions) and type away anything and everything that comes to your mind, all the anger, all the hate, all those “violent thoughts and emotions” you mentioned in that first post of this thread, keep typing away the experience of “feeling pulled and disintegrated by several conflicting parts”.

Don’t censor yourself, type away, and when you are done, relax, then go back to what you typed and make a few edits, just so to take away particular descriptions of violence and adding *** to certain words, like f*** instead of the word itself. Then submit it.

anita