Dear ninibee:

“I was basically entirely rejected by my mother”- I believe that this statement is .. entirely true.

I believe it is true because of what you wrote late last year in a previous thread: “Sometimes I even felt afraid to be in the backyard, because I did not want her to see me from the kitchen window. I felt very nervous and uncomfortable to be seen by her”-

– Imagine a child/ teenager who is rejected by her mother for wearing blue shirts, so the child, to win her mother’s acceptance, wear shirts that are not blue. Or a child who is rejected by her mother for talking loudly- to win her mother’s acceptance, she talks softly.

But a child who is rejected by her mother for Everything, has no way to be accepted for Anything, so she has to hide all of herself from her mother so to avoid being rejected. So she feels so very uncomfortable to be seen by her mother.

“I would hide my dirty laundry … I would feel anxious when I realized she had come into my room and taken my laundry when I wasn’t there. I would try to wash clothes when she wasn’t home, and would even feel anxious about her moving my clothes from the washer to the dryer”-

– your clothes are close to you, and dirty clothes have your smell in them, your hair and body cells that fall off naturally and stay in the clothes. You felt so uncomfortable about her touching your dirty laundry because you knew that she rejected your very self, your body, your mind, your heart, Everything about you.

Your mother has a negative view of everything about you. Your fantasy mother, on the other hand, has a positive view of you (“Her positive view of me helps me to be in the world”.

Your mother is capable of seeing you as bad  in every way.  Your fantasy mother:  “She is not capable of seeing me as ‘bad’ in any way”.

What I am saying here is not that she told you over time all the things she rejects about you, listing them all. What I am saying is that she listed enough things to make it clear that she rejects you in totality.

And now what, now that I know it, and hopefully you know it, what is there for you to do?

anita