I am speechless because I really appreciate what you do. Thank you for being here for me, because I’ve been feeling really terrible myself lately. I am an introverted extrovert, so I have no problem talking to people, but I prefer to be alone. But lately, there is enough of that feeling and I really feel the need to belong to someone. I do not mean materially, but rather open to someone and be accepted. It really means a lot to me. Thank you <3
So I want to make one little adjustment. My depression is not mostly about deep thoughts. I spend more time with melancholy watching what is happening to me. I’m empty. It’s like I’m missing something. Maybe I lost something. Maybe there was a mistake, or I’ve always been like this before. And I know this is just exactly what overthinking is. But I am more describing the feeling that I have other than saying that this is how it is. I just feel sad as if you were looking at pictures of your dead children. So it’s more about the emotions. Sometimes I am really happy (I feel enlightened), thinking that from this day on I will behave differently, think differently, etc. but as I wrote, depression will slap you back into reality. So I have good days, but it’s such a rule that bad days follow.
It’s really like living in a body trying to survive, but with a mind that wants to die. Unfortunately, depression will give you only two options. Either you are dying trying, or trying dying. You just have to fight, fight and fight again, or you can give up and just want to die. It’s really not easy. Imagine that you have to convince someone that they don’t have depression. But it is you who have it, so you have to persuade yourself to do something about it, but it prevents you from doing so. Of course, it is important to admit that something is wrong with me. And you can’t just play that you don’t have depression. You can’t ignore it. We can suppress it, but that’s only for a short time.
I’ve read lots of articles, tips and books, I’ve seen lectures, conferences, dialogues, I’ve heard podcasts and advice on how to be happy, how to value things, how to better control your emotions, how to cope with the depression, and so on and so on. But honestly, let’s say it’s all about experience. Yes, we can be inspired by this, take something from it, learn something, and possibly follow it for some time. But nothing compares to going through something. I know that by this I actually responded to myself on how to solve my depression. This should give me hope. But it doesn’t. You no longer have such good sense. You no longer have energy. You’re just tired of trying. You’d rather just kill yourself (and I’m really sorry if it’s uncomfortable to read about it), and don’t have to deal with anything. You want to stop the pain. But you won’t leave because you don’t want to hurt your family. You feel trapped, you don’t think you belong to this world, you are not worthy. You think nobody would miss you at all. Actually, it will become your only way out. Because nothing makes you happy anymore.
So you can probably imagine that it is more about emotions.

I have mild scoliosis. At first, I had badly turned feet (inward), so it was the first sign that something was wrong. Actually, at the Youth Olympics, I moved my back somehow. I didn’t do anything about it because I thought it would pass. But it didn’t go away. It was still there, but I could do sports with it so I was still hoping it would pass. But then one day at the training it got worse. I couldn’t even walk. The back pain was also linked to my legs, so when I pulled the hamstring, I got acute pain. So I started going to rehabilitation. Where they actually found my scoliosis. I did different exercises. Breathing, ballooning, stretching, strengthening different parts and so on. So it helped, but it came back later, and that was a problem. I had to go to some magnetic treatment, with electric shocks (which weren’t big, it was more of an electric current to release the muscles). Which didn’t help at all. So I was still going to rehabilitation. I was practicing at home. And in fact we somehow found out that I had a shorter leg. About 2 centimeters shorter left leg. It’s probably because of the deflection of the pelvis, but it doesn’t deny that it’s not there. So we got orthopedic insoles on the shoes to compensate for the difference. I just got them in my new shoes. And I have to admit that you get used to it. But outside my back, I also had a groin problem. So I am generally as crippled. But I don’t complain. Of course, it is a nuisance, and especially in the sport. But it would be selfish to throw it at others that they have it easier. Right now I have nothing with my back. I think I have developed a solid foundation by fighting against the body. But hey, Usain Bolt also has a shorter leg. 😀
So roughly like this. I really appreciate your answers, and I’d like to continue. Thank you very much once again!

PS: If you are wondering why am I posting this at these weird times (like 3 am), it is because I live in Czech Republic.