Štěpán Pavlas

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    Štěpán Pavlas

    Hi Anita,

    check out my other topic. I have updated it. 🙂

    Also sorry for not answering. I really just wanted to have a break from solving my problems. I am way better now.

    Štěpán Pavlas

    Hello to all of you!
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Harshita, Cloudyair, Amber, Donna & JSquirrel</p>
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>I thank all of you for your kind words, for support and for giving me part of your time to respond! It means a lot.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: center;”>And it is all getting better!</p>

    I am shocked that I wrote this in April … that is only 3 months! And now? My lord, it’s better than ever before. So that I don’t bore all of you here to death, I will cut it short.

    Alright, so this was me: No purpose, no dreams, no desires. Just emptiness and depression.

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    • No purpose? Not anymore. I found out that the only right that we all have is to make our life enjoyable. Nothing else. Just this one. Yeah yeah … right … but think about it. We as a species of living animals (I am sorry to the ones of you who are religious, but I mean this from an evolutionary standpoint. No intention to offend you.), have gone a long way. And every living thing does what it can to meet its needs, and if it is beneficial or enjoyable it devotes to it a little more than it needs. Because why not feel better than I should, right? And the same works for humans. Everything we are doing we do for a good feeling.  To feel good. And that is my purpose.
    • No dreams? Well, that is unfortunately still the same.
    • No desires? How could I even say that? Because I could have said something along the lines of: I long to not have depression, I long to be happy, I long to be out of this state (status quo)… And now? I long to find myself. It is still a long way to go, but at least I know the direction. Know thyself.
    • Just emptiness? Certainly not now!
    • Just depression? Depression is gone. Well… maybe it isn’t 100% gone but I can surely say that I feel ten times better. The medication worked, but what helped me a lot was cognitive psychology. And also the support from my friends and family, my trainer, school teachers, total strangers on the internet and the list of kind hearths goes on.

    So that is it. I am way better. I can manage my own from now on. It is really weird because depression eats you alive, and you just suffer in pain. You are stuck. You don’t see any way out of it. And now? I am just shocked by how strong emotions can be.

    I would love to help all of you, but I am scared to dig into this topic because I want to be sure I am out of it for good.

    Once again thank you all for everything. I wish you all the best you can have, and even what you can’t imagine! I hope you are doing great and if not, I really wish, pray for you and hope so it gets better! Love you all. 🙂


    Štěpán Pavlas

    Hello once again.

    I … am … back.

    And damn! What a change!

    So, I do not know where to start. But! Things have moved a lot.

    The confused love has ended. Confusion resulted in a mistake. I have done a horrible thing, and at that moment it all changed. I found out, that I have been doing this to myself for so long, that I have lost control over it. … And what have I done to myself? Well, I felt sorry for myself, but not for the eyes of others, but mainly for myself. Because the weight of life probably began to fall on me long before, and I was probably afraid (or I didn’t know how) to carry the burden of life. It’s not certain, that this is the main reason. But I know that it played a big role, and I felt horrible for doing so.

    But! A few days later, I told myself that blaming and shaming myself won’t help. So, (and thank god for that) I started to sooth my mind, because that felt like the right thing to do. I started a routine of stretch and positive self-talk for an hour in the morning. And oh my … it helps a lot. Today I went to the psychiatrist for a new dose of medication. I am not sure if the improvement is due to the medication, or something else. But I do not care! The main thing is that I am starting to feel a lot better. Well not ”better”, but it is a lot easier to have (or to work forward to) a positive mindset than it has been in the past.

    I am still tired. And it makes me laugh, how exhausting it is to feel happy. It sounds ridiculous. But right now happiness means a lot to me, so I am really grateful for every bit of laughter I can feel.

    I am on a good track. This is the point, where it can go back downhill, or up. This is the breaking point.

    In a weird way, I am grateful for this COVID-19 pandemic, because it gave me a lot of space and time to work on my mental health.

    I hope you are doing great, and If not, I wish you the best!

    Hope to see you next time! See ya. Bye!

    Štěpán Pavlas

    Ok so I have been super mistaken. The one I take is called Escitil  (escitalopram), and the one I am supposed to take while feeling horrible is the Lexaurin (bromazepam). I got confused because I have not seen my mom taking the pills out of the box, so when I checked what it was, I found the open one (but that was the other one that I am not taking).

    Well, I meant it like that I have never paid some real attention to how they love / like us (yes I have a brother – he is gonna be 19). I kind of went through childhood thinking to myself that parents are just parents (like the people that gave you life) and nothing much else. That is why I didn’t realize that they love me. I never wanted to be part of the centre of attention. Maybe that is why I didn’t bother thinking if they love me (and even if they didn’t, I would not have noticed). But now I know that they loved me the whole time. It is just that you can’t be only a kind parent. I am glad how they raised me, so whatever they did I am not complaining.

    Štěpán Pavlas

    Well, I got prescribed 2. The benzodiazepine is the one I take every day, and the other one is only If I am feeling horrible (like suicidal…). Right now I don’t know what is the name of the second one. I might check tomorrow.

    I think the plan was that now I will take anti-anxiety ones, because of the quarantine home school (so I can concentrate, and not worry about speaking with others), and after it starts working or what, we will start doing something about the exhaustion.

    The new thread is for other members. I know I have you in here, but I also want someone else to respond, so I can get more feedback.

    Štěpán Pavlas

    Hello anita.

    Back with an update. So, as I have been visiting the psychologist, we agreed to try a psychiatrist as the talk therapy wasn’t making me feel somehow better. We went there, and we came out with a paper which tells what you should get at the pharmacy, and also one paper which we will go with to a blood test, because I have been feeling super tired, so the psychiatrist wanted to check if my thyroid gland is doing ok. So we went to the pharmacy, and now I take benzodiazepine (in our country only under the name of Lexaurin) – which only weakens anxiety. As we got the results from the blood test, we found out that I have the liver problem again. I had this once about 2 to 3 years ago, and it was the same that I was feeling tired. Nothing serious but we will email my doctor with the results and ask what to do with it.

    Right now, I am not feeling side effects from the medication (only that I start to have a headache on the sun). But I am not feeling somehow better. Of course, it is said that it will take about a month before it starts doing something. But this medication is only so that I feel better, and we can move on from there. I still have a long way to go.

    I am sorry not answering, but I had really confusing weeks lately. I am kind of getting lost.

    Will be happy to hear from you. Bye for now. <3

    Štěpán Pavlas

    My parents don’t get angry that often. Most of the time, it is due to the fact that they had a hard day, they are tired, something went wrong, family problems and other stuff. In that case, they cool off with time.

    I do not really remember (I notice that I say ,,I don’t know / I don’t remember” quite often), because I really haven’t done anything bad in recent years. When I get a bad grade, my dad is like: ,,how is that possible, what did you screw up? Do you need help in that?”, and my mom is like: ,,that can happen”. Other than grades, there isn’t really something for them to get mad at me. Maybe if they give me some home tasks (laundry, dishes…), and I don’t do it when I clearly had time for it. But just for a while. Overall they don’t get mad at me. I have good parents. But if they do get mad, I am ok with it because I understand that they have a reason for it (of course not always 🙂 ). I know I haven’t answered properly again, but these situations really just do not happen that often for me to have a clear answer.

    Štěpán Pavlas

    First of all,

    I’m sorry I didn’t answer exactly. I wrote it yesterday, and as I deleted it, I probably missed something. I know the question was what I think they think. But unfortunately, I have no answer. I totally understand that it sounds pretty incredible. I have to know something or think something. But I can’t say anything about myself. If I had to describe myself, I would have to think for a long time who I am. I’ve never been clear about this. I don’t know what my character is, I don’t know how I affect others, and I don’t even know what they think. What I wrote about was more like I know they don’t think anything bad about me. Which is probably all I care about. For example, when I realize that my joke was a bit unsuitable (even if it wasn’t), I often blame myself for things that others would throw behind. I feel bad for making myself look dumb, mean and more. It really is that I do not know. I would like to, but I don’t. Sometimes when someone mentions a characteristic about me, I remember it for a while, but after a few days, I totally forget what it was.

    For me, it sounds like you are mad at me because I did not answer correctly. I am sorry for that. That’s because I understood it as asking how I perceive what others think of me (how much I care).

    About the second question. You are probably right about that. Because it seems that I have not experienced true love, so I was confused about experiencing it. So I had doubts. (I am really sorry if I am missing what you want from me because I am starting to get lost in these posts. Sorry.)

    The idea that I forgot how love feels, is really probable. But one thing I want to reproach is that I have not felt love with her when I was 13. We found ourselves in love when we got back from the camp (2019). But I get what you mean. It makes sense. When I asked her recently, she said that she actually never experienced this ”real-love-thing” before, until we missed each other so much.

    But! My parents never told me that they don’t like me or that I am not worthy of their attention. From now with having these issues, I am starting to realize that they really do care about me. They cared before, but I was the one not paying attention to it.  They are trying to make me talk (because I never talked (or expressed my feelings or my thoughts) much). It is not that I do not think anything, that I am just a robot listening to commands. Of course I think and feel. But I never felt some super need to express myself. I am the type of person from Finland (they do not talk much – they find it spoiling the moment of calm).

    But the idea that they did not like me crying, running around or not sitting straight, is a good point. I cannot tell, because I really do not remember. For me, it is not like I hate being called a kid, but it just doesn’t feel right. I find it derisive. Because in our country, there have been years when small children at elementary school had the trend of saying ”kid” (exactly how you read it). I think it came from the internet, and it got really popular. We insulted each other with it. And maybe that is why I find it derisive. Not because I was bullied or something, but more like because it is stuck in my memory that the ”kid” is someone who acts like a baby, sues, cries, cannot do this and that, is weak or really just anything else.

    Štěpán Pavlas


    this whole idea is, that once you understand that love is understanding, the title makes a lot of sense. It is probably more for those who already know this. You can’t understand what it says until you know what is behind it. If you replace the words, it would be like this:,,I got to understand love. And if you do not understand what I just said, you do not understand love. ”

    The message is, that love is understanding, and because of how the sentence is made, once we know how is it meant, it shows its power. (Or just me?)

    Štěpán Pavlas


    I wrote the whole text, and I wanted to check something on this topic, but because the topic is divided, it reloaded the page, so my text is lost … Damn it. I really had a point.

    So about what others think of me. I’m not exactly the type that constantly worries about how I affect others. But I think it’s important that we create a picture of how we actually behave who we are for others. I’ve been having long hair (like Jesus) for about 5 years now. And I do not care if anyone wonders why my hair is long. I really can’t even tell if anyone is looking at me. Because I got used to it.

    It is with others that I can be neutral or positive with people. I can join communities and get along with almost everyone. I can adapt quite well to the environment, even to individuals. I do not like disputes, conflict or unrest, so I try to get along with everyone. But it is definitely NOT that I limit myself and do everything possible to make sure nothing happens, and everyone is happy. When it is necessary I defend my personal space or my opinion. But if possible, I prefer it if nobody prattles about anything.

    I like to discuss. I can argue, but I hate to. I prefer peace with everyone. It’s like that if they don’t care about me, I don’t care about them. But only in the sense of what we think of each other. Of course, I have my own opinion, I think about people, and I also notice how they behave. So I have an overview of who they are, and I kind of realize how I affect others. But I try to keep my head cool, and not to make hasty conclusions.

    But even before I started having these psychological problems, I wasn’t very interested in people. I saw how they behaved, and I didn’t find any reason to socialize. So it is that we do not mind each other, we can cooperate, and I would say that we like each other, but it has its limits. I look for my own, and when I feel the need to get involved, I do.

    So about the second question. By that, I meant that there has never been such a thing I could match the same feeling too. Not a single thing or person. I experienced it just once. I know it could be that first-love feeling, but why cannot it be true that it could be something deeper? Can it be blind love, if we are still waiting for each other for so long? Why wouldn’t have we gave up? – It is because we realized, we felt something special. Not like we had something that no one could have ever had. But more in a way that we knew we match to each other. We are a nice couple.

    Also, I don’t know, but … it just seems weird for you to call me kid. I understand that I actually wrote that I would like to be a kid, at least for a moment, and I wrote like if I was one. But I think I do not like the way it sounds. I feel like that you actually take me as a real kid. I know that I am really young. I am not saying otherwise. But I don’t like to be called kid. I like to be free like a kid, to express as if  I was a kid, but probably my thinking is not childish. So please if you could. Thank you. (It is not that I am mad. I also totally understand how it sounds: ,,I am NOT A KID! ” :D,  but I just want to let you know 🙂 )

    PS: I think the emoticons are quite helping to express.


    Štěpán Pavlas

    Ok, I will wait. Have a nice day!

    Štěpán Pavlas

    No, I do not want to end anything.

    One thing is not clear to me, what is a well-read person? Like I write something and you like to read it? (But hey, thank you.)

    It is kind of funny how I use this kind of slang (but I just feel like doing so, so you can’t stop me! 😀 )

    Well, right now I feel like a kid, but that is actually something I mentioned that I would like to be for a moment! Wow! That is … nice. I don’t know, it just feels great to feel kind of free, to write whatever you want, and not care what others think. 🙂

    So… I am probably going to write like a kid. Because I feel great doing so.

    I am also happy to meet you, and I am also willing to keep communicating with you. Maybe if I come up with some interesting ideas or thoughts. Well speaking of that, I had very interesting thoughts, but I never wrote them anywhere. But maybe if I remember something, or come up with something new, I will create a post. So you can meet me there, maybe. Or if I will have more problems. Who knows. Time will show.

    Speaking of loving oneself, I have these times. But it is super rare. Right now it is not like I hate myself, but I don’t really feel that I love myself either. So I am kind of wandering between it.

    I love love. And by that, I mean that love is understanding. And by saying ,,I love love” I am saying that I understand love because I already understand understanding (wow, who would have thought…). Well, this is messy, but I think you know what I mean. You have to love me in that. 😀

    So by loving love, I love that one person cannot love without something else being there (to be specific: a person). Now when I think about it, we can not live without love.  Love is a fundamental part of the creation of oneself. You and I would not exist, If our parents, our grandparents, our ancestors did not love. Where would we have been without it? Who knows. We cannot understand it, because it is not love. But … why do we even say that we do not understand love. We say that love is complicated, hard, weird, bad, and so on. But for the understanding of what love is, we need to love the love. WHAT am I even saying at this point? Did I go insane? … I don’t know, I just feel like I had to say this.

    I know that in my life there will be another person, to love and be loved by, but I really have to say that from what I have experienced, I can not assign that feeling to anything else, or anyone else. I know I am just 15 years old (almost 16, hurray … :/ ), and I still have a life ahead of me, but if I can be honest, I am scared of the future. I do not know If I will make it that far. I can be proud I didn’t kill myself last week. … I don’t know what I am saying. Sometimes I just think these thoughts and right now I think it is the exact time to share it. Because it is part of me, and you should know about it.

    Thanks for being here.


    Štěpán Pavlas

    ,, All you need is love! *tum-tu-du-du-dum*… ”

    That made me smile, but it also struck me how true it is. All I need is love.  Yeah, it makes sense.  It makes me kind of sad, because now when I understand it a little more, I feel like being pushed into something. Right now it is really hard to love someone, and I understand that it is hard for someone to love me back. But how do you bring more love into the living, with what is going on right now? I never experienced true love until we found ourselves that we have something special with each other. Right now it is hard to even love myself, apart from loving everything else.

    But I am happy how the title of the topic turned out to mean exactly what is going on (apart from the relationship). 🙂

    I understand that you probably do not have anything else to add to this topic, but I still feel that it is not all. Maybe you have to remind me something important, that I need to hear, or that I probably missed from our discussion. I really feel that I probably still haven’t learned what I have to do. I know that I should probably bring more love into my life, or let others bring more love into my life. But I am still kind of confused. I don’t know. I really don’t know what to ask from this point.

    But after all, thank you for what you have done for me. I truly appreciate it from the hearth. (I know that we deserve love when we need it the most, but still, you didn’t have to answer me.)

    So yeah, if you want to say something for the end of this (right now I am having trouble embedding this thought into English), it is probably the best time to do so, because I really do not feel like I have something to say. If you would like to ask me something more, I will answer, but this is probably the end. (Slightly opened end).

    Thank you once again. 🙂

    Štěpán Pavlas

    Hello Anita,
    I read your answer a few hours after you sent it, but I didn’t have a chance to write it off at all. I was kind of absorbed and I couldn’t even think about it. So I’m sorry for the delay.
    So, I don’t really know what to say about my parents.

    My parents raised me well. There was no violence. Generally, we don’t talk much together. Of course, I like them and they like me too, but it could be better. I don’t feel that bond like I love them. Of course, if something was going on I would be worried about them, and so on, but when we all live our lives, and we don’t spend much time together, I don’t have some sort of deep relationship with them. Maybe it’s just in my head, maybe I don’t want to talk to them. It’s not that we don’t do anything together. Sometimes we go to restaurants, sometimes we play a board game, we watch a movie at home, but whatever I try, I don’t always want to do it. It’s really hard to talk about this objectively, and I don’t even know what to say subjectively. I never cared much about it. I know they won’t be here forever, and it would be good to try to get along with them more, just maybe in the future, for now, I’d rather be alone. I don’t feel around them like I have that emotional support. For example, with my ” girlfriend ” I mentioned earlier, I feel more understood and safe. Sometimes I wonder if I’m a good son.
    So if I can summarize it, we get along, but it’s not exactly that. Of course, I’m aware that I’m actually lucky for what I have. There are children who are, for example, in divorced families or are beaten at home.
    I understand that we aren’t born depressed. I know the power of childhood experience (i have read a very interesting book named: Emotional intelligence by Daniel Goleman). But if your question was ‘could your depression be caused by the family?’ my answer is: probably not.

    Štěpán Pavlas

    I am speechless because I really appreciate what you do. Thank you for being here for me, because I’ve been feeling really terrible myself lately. I am an introverted extrovert, so I have no problem talking to people, but I prefer to be alone. But lately, there is enough of that feeling and I really feel the need to belong to someone. I do not mean materially, but rather open to someone and be accepted. It really means a lot to me. Thank you <3
    So I want to make one little adjustment. My depression is not mostly about deep thoughts. I spend more time with melancholy watching what is happening to me. I’m empty. It’s like I’m missing something. Maybe I lost something. Maybe there was a mistake, or I’ve always been like this before. And I know this is just exactly what overthinking is. But I am more describing the feeling that I have other than saying that this is how it is. I just feel sad as if you were looking at pictures of your dead children. So it’s more about the emotions. Sometimes I am really happy (I feel enlightened), thinking that from this day on I will behave differently, think differently, etc. but as I wrote, depression will slap you back into reality. So I have good days, but it’s such a rule that bad days follow.
    It’s really like living in a body trying to survive, but with a mind that wants to die. Unfortunately, depression will give you only two options. Either you are dying trying, or trying dying. You just have to fight, fight and fight again, or you can give up and just want to die. It’s really not easy. Imagine that you have to convince someone that they don’t have depression. But it is you who have it, so you have to persuade yourself to do something about it, but it prevents you from doing so. Of course, it is important to admit that something is wrong with me. And you can’t just play that you don’t have depression. You can’t ignore it. We can suppress it, but that’s only for a short time.
    I’ve read lots of articles, tips and books, I’ve seen lectures, conferences, dialogues, I’ve heard podcasts and advice on how to be happy, how to value things, how to better control your emotions, how to cope with the depression, and so on and so on. But honestly, let’s say it’s all about experience. Yes, we can be inspired by this, take something from it, learn something, and possibly follow it for some time. But nothing compares to going through something. I know that by this I actually responded to myself on how to solve my depression. This should give me hope. But it doesn’t. You no longer have such good sense. You no longer have energy. You’re just tired of trying. You’d rather just kill yourself (and I’m really sorry if it’s uncomfortable to read about it), and don’t have to deal with anything. You want to stop the pain. But you won’t leave because you don’t want to hurt your family. You feel trapped, you don’t think you belong to this world, you are not worthy. You think nobody would miss you at all. Actually, it will become your only way out. Because nothing makes you happy anymore.
    So you can probably imagine that it is more about emotions.

    I have mild scoliosis. At first, I had badly turned feet (inward), so it was the first sign that something was wrong. Actually, at the Youth Olympics, I moved my back somehow. I didn’t do anything about it because I thought it would pass. But it didn’t go away. It was still there, but I could do sports with it so I was still hoping it would pass. But then one day at the training it got worse. I couldn’t even walk. The back pain was also linked to my legs, so when I pulled the hamstring, I got acute pain. So I started going to rehabilitation. Where they actually found my scoliosis. I did different exercises. Breathing, ballooning, stretching, strengthening different parts and so on. So it helped, but it came back later, and that was a problem. I had to go to some magnetic treatment, with electric shocks (which weren’t big, it was more of an electric current to release the muscles). Which didn’t help at all. So I was still going to rehabilitation. I was practicing at home. And in fact we somehow found out that I had a shorter leg. About 2 centimeters shorter left leg. It’s probably because of the deflection of the pelvis, but it doesn’t deny that it’s not there. So we got orthopedic insoles on the shoes to compensate for the difference. I just got them in my new shoes. And I have to admit that you get used to it. But outside my back, I also had a groin problem. So I am generally as crippled. But I don’t complain. Of course, it is a nuisance, and especially in the sport. But it would be selfish to throw it at others that they have it easier. Right now I have nothing with my back. I think I have developed a solid foundation by fighting against the body. But hey, Usain Bolt also has a shorter leg. 😀
    So roughly like this. I really appreciate your answers, and I’d like to continue. Thank you very much once again!

    PS: If you are wondering why am I posting this at these weird times (like 3 am), it is because I live in Czech Republic.

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