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Confused love (story + guestion?)

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  • #342274
    Štěpán Pavlas
    Participant

    Ok, I will wait. Have a nice day!

    #342342
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stepan Pavlas:

    It is so wonderful to read the writing of Stepan the kid (“I feel like a kid… write like a kid”). Good to read you going from thought to thought not worrying, if only for a moment, whether you make sense or not. You are welcome here to write anything that comes to your mind, be the kid that you still are at 15!

    I read the two threads that you started. I am glad you did. It has been very slow here in the forums lately, but I hope you get some responses by tomorrow. I  know I want to answer the one about what love means.

    “I still have a life ahead of me, but if I can be honest, I am scared of the future, I do not know if I will make it that far”- I know you are afraid, Stepan, and I do hope very much that you will make it far. The kid in you who expressed himself with such joy in your recent post is a lovable kid. I want to read more and more from him!

    I will be back to your thread Monday morning, in about 15 hours from now.

    anita

    #342424
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stepan Palvas:

    “Love is a fundamental part of the creation of oneself”- well stated.

    I hope you are back to your thread. No one answered your other two threads, but like I wrote to you, it’s been very slow here. I will answer one of them later. Regarding what follows, I ask questions, but remember: you don’t have to answer my questions, it is your choice. I ask because I want to understand you and your situation better.

    1. “it just feels great to feel kind of free, to write whatever you want, and not care what others think”-

    – when you don’t feel free to write or say whatever you want, it is because you worry about what others think of you.

    I wonder what do you believe other people in your life are thinking about you: your parents, peers in school, the girl you shared about, others?

    2. You wrote about the feeling of love: “from what I have experienced, I can not assign that feeling to anything else, or anyone else”-  can you explain this sentence to me, (I am not sure if I understand correctly)?

    anita

    #342668
    Štěpán Pavlas
    Participant

    NOOOOO,

    I wrote the whole text, and I wanted to check something on this topic, but because the topic is divided, it reloaded the page, so my text is lost … Damn it. I really had a point.

    So about what others think of me. I’m not exactly the type that constantly worries about how I affect others. But I think it’s important that we create a picture of how we actually behave who we are for others. I’ve been having long hair (like Jesus) for about 5 years now. And I do not care if anyone wonders why my hair is long. I really can’t even tell if anyone is looking at me. Because I got used to it.

    It is with others that I can be neutral or positive with people. I can join communities and get along with almost everyone. I can adapt quite well to the environment, even to individuals. I do not like disputes, conflict or unrest, so I try to get along with everyone. But it is definitely NOT that I limit myself and do everything possible to make sure nothing happens, and everyone is happy. When it is necessary I defend my personal space or my opinion. But if possible, I prefer it if nobody prattles about anything.

    I like to discuss. I can argue, but I hate to. I prefer peace with everyone. It’s like that if they don’t care about me, I don’t care about them. But only in the sense of what we think of each other. Of course, I have my own opinion, I think about people, and I also notice how they behave. So I have an overview of who they are, and I kind of realize how I affect others. But I try to keep my head cool, and not to make hasty conclusions.

    But even before I started having these psychological problems, I wasn’t very interested in people. I saw how they behaved, and I didn’t find any reason to socialize. So it is that we do not mind each other, we can cooperate, and I would say that we like each other, but it has its limits. I look for my own, and when I feel the need to get involved, I do.

    So about the second question. By that, I meant that there has never been such a thing I could match the same feeling too. Not a single thing or person. I experienced it just once. I know it could be that first-love feeling, but why cannot it be true that it could be something deeper? Can it be blind love, if we are still waiting for each other for so long? Why wouldn’t have we gave up? – It is because we realized, we felt something special. Not like we had something that no one could have ever had. But more in a way that we knew we match to each other. We are a nice couple.

    Also, I don’t know, but … it just seems weird for you to call me kid. I understand that I actually wrote that I would like to be a kid, at least for a moment, and I wrote like if I was one. But I think I do not like the way it sounds. I feel like that you actually take me as a real kid. I know that I am really young. I am not saying otherwise. But I don’t like to be called kid. I like to be free like a kid, to express as if  I was a kid, but probably my thinking is not childish. So please if you could. Thank you. (It is not that I am mad. I also totally understand how it sounds: ,,I am NOT A KID! ” :D,  but I just want to let you know 🙂 )

    PS: I think the emoticons are quite helping to express.

     

    #342672
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stepan Pavlas:

    I will probably need to re-read your recent post when I am more focused, tomorrow morning my time (in about 15 hours from now), but for now, I did read you loud and clear: you are not a kid! Got it. I respect your request to not be called that. You are a 15 year old young man then.

    Will be back to your thread later.

    anita

    #342754
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stepan Pavlas:

    My first question for you was “what do you believe other people in your life are thinking about you: your parents, peers in school, the girl you shared about, others?”- you didn’t answer my question. You didn’t write what it is that you thinks that others are thinking about you, )an example would be: my mother thinks I have a good heart).

    Instead you shared that you’ve been having long hair for five years, you are used to it, and you don’t wonder what other people think about your long hair; you shared that you adapt well to different individuals, that you try to get along with everyone, that you prefer peace with everyone, that “do not like disputes, conflict or unrest”, but you don’t do anything and everything so to avoid conflict, and when it is necessary, you defend your personal space. You wrote: “even before I started having these psychological problems, I wasn’t very interested in people.. I didn’t find any reason to socialize… I look for my own, and when I feel the need to get involved, I do”.

    My second question t you was to explain a sentence you wrote earlier regarding the word love: “from what I have experienced, I can not assign that feeling to anything else, or anyone else”. You explained that “there never been such a thing I could match the same feeling too. Not a single thing or person”, that is, you never felt loved by anyone. So you didn’t love back anyone.. until you met this girl, but you doubt the nature of that love, not sure about it perhaps (“why cannot it be true that it could be something deeper? Can it be blind love..?”), but it was or is something specie because “we match to each other”.

    What I understand from what you shared in your recent post is that you didn’t experience love in your home of origin, or if you experienced it, it was long ago and you forgot how it feels. Maybe your parents tell you that they love you, or show their love in actions, but you don’t feel their love for you, and you don’t feel love for them.

    It fits with what you wrote in your original post regarding the girl: you realized that you missed her, told her about it, and “she felt the same way. I began to wonder what it was, and we both agreed that it was probably love. We really discussed it too much”- you’ve been so removed, at 13, from the experience of love, of mutual love, that it took you time to figure out what it was that you felt for her and she felt back for you. You had to discuss it a lot, too much, as if it was a foreign, peculiar and unfamiliar concept- to-love-and-be-loved-in-return.

    It fits with what you shared earlier about your relationships with your parents: “we don’t talk much together.. I don’t feel that bond like I love them… I don’t have some sort of deep relationship with them… maybe I don’t want to talk to them… I’d  rather be alone. I don’t feel around them like I have that emotional support.. with my ‘girlfriend’ ..I feel more understood and safe”.

    My further input this morning: I am guessing that your parents expressed to you somehow that they don’t like you, that they don’t approve of you, or that you are not okay in their book, not worthy of their attention. Maybe they expressed that they like you like a Thing, not like a Person, like someone that’s just there, not someone that thinks and feels.

    Maybe they didn’t like anything that was childish about you, like when you cried, maybe they expressed disapproval of you when you cried, saying something like don’t-be-a-child! Or if you ran around like a child, they were angry and said something like don’t run around , sit down like an adult! Maybe this is why you hate being called a kid.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #342808
    Štěpán Pavlas
    Participant

    First of all,

    I’m sorry I didn’t answer exactly. I wrote it yesterday, and as I deleted it, I probably missed something. I know the question was what I think they think. But unfortunately, I have no answer. I totally understand that it sounds pretty incredible. I have to know something or think something. But I can’t say anything about myself. If I had to describe myself, I would have to think for a long time who I am. I’ve never been clear about this. I don’t know what my character is, I don’t know how I affect others, and I don’t even know what they think. What I wrote about was more like I know they don’t think anything bad about me. Which is probably all I care about. For example, when I realize that my joke was a bit unsuitable (even if it wasn’t), I often blame myself for things that others would throw behind. I feel bad for making myself look dumb, mean and more. It really is that I do not know. I would like to, but I don’t. Sometimes when someone mentions a characteristic about me, I remember it for a while, but after a few days, I totally forget what it was.

    For me, it sounds like you are mad at me because I did not answer correctly. I am sorry for that. That’s because I understood it as asking how I perceive what others think of me (how much I care).

    About the second question. You are probably right about that. Because it seems that I have not experienced true love, so I was confused about experiencing it. So I had doubts. (I am really sorry if I am missing what you want from me because I am starting to get lost in these posts. Sorry.)

    The idea that I forgot how love feels, is really probable. But one thing I want to reproach is that I have not felt love with her when I was 13. We found ourselves in love when we got back from the camp (2019). But I get what you mean. It makes sense. When I asked her recently, she said that she actually never experienced this ”real-love-thing” before, until we missed each other so much.

    But! My parents never told me that they don’t like me or that I am not worthy of their attention. From now with having these issues, I am starting to realize that they really do care about me. They cared before, but I was the one not paying attention to it.  They are trying to make me talk (because I never talked (or expressed my feelings or my thoughts) much). It is not that I do not think anything, that I am just a robot listening to commands. Of course I think and feel. But I never felt some super need to express myself. I am the type of person from Finland (they do not talk much – they find it spoiling the moment of calm).

    But the idea that they did not like me crying, running around or not sitting straight, is a good point. I cannot tell, because I really do not remember. For me, it is not like I hate being called a kid, but it just doesn’t feel right. I find it derisive. Because in our country, there have been years when small children at elementary school had the trend of saying ”kid” (exactly how you read it). I think it came from the internet, and it got really popular. We insulted each other with it. And maybe that is why I find it derisive. Not because I was bullied or something, but more like because it is stuck in my memory that the ”kid” is someone who acts like a baby, sues, cries, cannot do this and that, is weak or really just anything else.

    #342822
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stepan Pavlas:

    It takes time and effort to know a person, this is why I suggested a long-term communication between you and me. I ask questions, you answer; you can ask me questions about what I meant by saying this or that. This way we improve our communication and in doing so, you get to know yourself better, and I get to know myself better.

    “I can’t say anything about myself. If I had to describe myself, I would have to  think for a long time who I am. I’ve never been clear about this. I don’t know what my character is, I don’t know how I affect others, and I don’t even know what they think”-

    – it is within an honest, long term communication with another, that you learn who you are, that you become clear about who you are, and what is your character. Within such a communication, you get to know how you affect me because you can ask me, and I will tell you. You get to  know what I think because I tell you, and if I don’t, ask me and I will tell  you.

    You assumed I was angry at you for not answering my fist question, but your assumption was wrong. Don’t be alarmed for making the wrong assumption, I made plenty of wrong assumptions in my life. But I learned to ask instead of assuming.

    I wasn’t angry that you didn’t answer, I pointed out that you didn’t, that is all.

    I understand better why you don’t like being called a kid.

    I am wondering, asking, that is: how do your parents act when they get angry at you?

    anita

    #342838
    Štěpán Pavlas
    Participant

    My parents don’t get angry that often. Most of the time, it is due to the fact that they had a hard day, they are tired, something went wrong, family problems and other stuff. In that case, they cool off with time.

    I do not really remember (I notice that I say ,,I don’t know / I don’t remember” quite often), because I really haven’t done anything bad in recent years. When I get a bad grade, my dad is like: ,,how is that possible, what did you screw up? Do you need help in that?”, and my mom is like: ,,that can happen”. Other than grades, there isn’t really something for them to get mad at me. Maybe if they give me some home tasks (laundry, dishes…), and I don’t do it when I clearly had time for it. But just for a while. Overall they don’t get mad at me. I have good parents. But if they do get mad, I am ok with it because I understand that they have a reason for it (of course not always 🙂 ). I know I haven’t answered properly again, but these situations really just do not happen that often for me to have a clear answer.

    #342842
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stepan Pavlas:

    Don’t worry about answering properly, or saying you don’t remember- this is not an interrogation, and it is not a test. I am asking you questions so to learn about you, so to  understand you better. So try to feel comfortable about answering my questions. You always have the right to not answer any of my questions, stating that you don’t want to answer this or  that question.

    Regarding not remembering, if you want to, when you have the time, if you feel comfortable with it, type away what you do remember from your earlier childhood, anything that comes to mind, anything at all- but without your current interpretations of what happened then. Tell me just the facts, as if you had a camera and a voice recorder, filming those scenes from your past.

    (I will soon be away from the computer for a while).

    anita

    #349018
    Štěpán Pavlas
    Participant

    Hello anita.

    Back with an update. So, as I have been visiting the psychologist, we agreed to try a psychiatrist as the talk therapy wasn’t making me feel somehow better. We went there, and we came out with a paper which tells what you should get at the pharmacy, and also one paper which we will go with to a blood test, because I have been feeling super tired, so the psychiatrist wanted to check if my thyroid gland is doing ok. So we went to the pharmacy, and now I take benzodiazepine (in our country only under the name of Lexaurin) – which only weakens anxiety. As we got the results from the blood test, we found out that I have the liver problem again. I had this once about 2 to 3 years ago, and it was the same that I was feeling tired. Nothing serious but we will email my doctor with the results and ask what to do with it.

    Right now, I am not feeling side effects from the medication (only that I start to have a headache on the sun). But I am not feeling somehow better. Of course, it is said that it will take about a month before it starts doing something. But this medication is only so that I feel better, and we can move on from there. I still have a long way to go.

    I am sorry not answering, but I had really confusing weeks lately. I am kind of getting lost.

    Will be happy to hear from you. Bye for now. <3

    #349042
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stepan Palvas:

    Benzodiazepines are prescribed for anxiety disorders. In your new thread you wrote: “I have depression with slight anxiety”. I am surprised you were prescribed with an anti anxiety medication, and not with an anti-depressant. You wrote regarding the benzodiazepine that you were prescribed with, that “it will take about a month before it starts doing something”. This is true for SSRI anti-depressants, not for benzodiazepines. The latter have an immediate sedating affect.

    Were you prescribed with anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety, two medications?

    *Benzodiazepines are recommended only for a short term, a few weeks or so, not long term!

    I wonder what is wrong with your liver.

    I read your new thread, but will not post there because I can post here, and we can communicate on this thread whenever you want to. (It’s been very slow in the forums, not a lot of people replying, but I do hope that other members will reply to your new thread).

    anita

     

    #349044
    Štěpán Pavlas
    Participant

    Well, I got prescribed 2. The benzodiazepine is the one I take every day, and the other one is only If I am feeling horrible (like suicidal…). Right now I don’t know what is the name of the second one. I might check tomorrow.

    I think the plan was that now I will take anti-anxiety ones, because of the quarantine home school (so I can concentrate, and not worry about speaking with others), and after it starts working or what, we will start doing something about the exhaustion.

    The new thread is for other members. I know I have you in here, but I also want someone else to respond, so I can get more feedback.

    #349052
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Stepan Pavlas:

    The medication you are supposed to take only if you are feeling terribly, that sounds like it should be the benzodiazepine, and the one you are supposed to take every day, that sounds like an antidepressant. Can you check, what it says on the bottle and let me know?

    I like it that you started a new thread for other members. But like I said, especially since the pandemic was declared, not many members respond to members who start threads. It is very, very slow here, as far as responding. So don’t feel disappointed if you  don’t get replies.

    A month and a day ago, you wrote regarding your parents: “I am starting to realize that they really do care about me”- meaning, you didn’t realize before that they really care about you. Is it that they were too busy to pay attention to you before, that they behaved as if you weren’t there, as if they didn’t see you, didn’t hear you, didn’t notice that you were there (beyond someone to feed, clothe and shelter)?

    * I will be away from the computer for about an hour.

    anita

     

     

    #349062
    Štěpán Pavlas
    Participant

    Ok so I have been super mistaken. The one I take is called Escitil  (escitalopram), and the one I am supposed to take while feeling horrible is the Lexaurin (bromazepam). I got confused because I have not seen my mom taking the pills out of the box, so when I checked what it was, I found the open one (but that was the other one that I am not taking).

    Well, I meant it like that I have never paid some real attention to how they love / like us (yes I have a brother – he is gonna be 19). I kind of went through childhood thinking to myself that parents are just parents (like the people that gave you life) and nothing much else. That is why I didn’t realize that they love me. I never wanted to be part of the centre of attention. Maybe that is why I didn’t bother thinking if they love me (and even if they didn’t, I would not have noticed). But now I know that they loved me the whole time. It is just that you can’t be only a kind parent. I am glad how they raised me, so whatever they did I am not complaining.

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